Jim, did you ever make a 'fulsome apology' to your W about the comments you made on the day her dad died. I can see that something like that happening at such a raw time may have felt 'unforgivable.'

My H told me when his grandma died, his XW did something (can't recall what) and he felt she really didn't care about his loss. I'm not saying your W felt the same, but that combo of critical and vulnerable could lead to that.

My H teased me quite a lot, and most of it I took in good part. However, when things became worse in our M a year ago, his 'jokey' comments had more of an 'edge' to them and they got to me more. He and I have discussed this since BD. One of his bugbears was that I used to wear tatty old pants. And he had a point. He used to go on about it, so I went out and chose some lovely new pants that I really liked. Thing was, he then said - oh, why did you choose those! And I was upset.

It's just a thought, and it may not be DB. But, I wonder if it's worth saying to your W. Hey, I know our M may not be in a great place right now, but I would love for us to get along a little better now that we're S. Even if that's just for a friendly few minutes whilst we exchange the kids. Do you think we could try that? I think it would be great for the kids to see us interacting in a more friendly way too.

It sets a paremeter on how long she needs to be pleasant for - but also means that those exchanges may become a little kinder and give you guys something more to build on..

Last edited by Toots; 02/23/15 01:01 PM.
T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus