The END Hopefully they live happily ever after....

[DFE]

I can't understand myself. How do I think my H still loves me? He's left, D should be final any day, and I still think we will get back together. I was really upset on Wed. We spoke about the kids finances and he could tell I had been crying. Although I denied it he text me afterwards to tell me everything would be ok. I was doing my best to move on until he started asking me to go out with him and the kids a few times. Now my mind is all screwed up. I'm disappointed that he didn't ask me to go out with them on V day. Delusional I know but I miss my family. My boys are with him today and I want all of us together.

Why am I not accepting his decision ? Holding onto hope for what? He's been clear that this is what he wants yet why do I feel it isn't over? Tired of feeling like this!!!

[DFE]

Huge setback today. Is it still a setback even if you aren't trying to put the karruagr back together ? I'm starting to realize that maybe this relationship was never meant to me. Maybe the kids were the best thing that came out of this union.

I got into it with him today over text. He was trying yo be nice and cone by and help kd shovel the snow. I said I took care of it already which he said why. Then he said what do you get out of being a bitch to me. In his defense I was being cold but it's because I feel he is trying to be my friend to rid himself of any guilt. If you wanted to be my friend it would have been whole we were married. I let him have it over text. Told him he wasn't worthy of my friendship and that we just need to be cordial for the kids but nothing more.

I feel abandoned by him but all he's done is not live me anymore. What am I so mad about? Why can't I be his friend? He is trying so hard to be friends but in my eyes it's to take away any guilt he has. All my friends say he's cake eating. I've always let him get off easily. I don't feel he should get off easily with this one. You walked out on your family. I know I'm supposed to make interactions nice so he misses me but I've been nice enough. Too many years of BS with him.

So why do I feel such guilt? Was I wrong for chewing him out? I don't think I can be his friend although it's the mature thing to do. Thoughts? I hate fighting with him. I get such anxiety and depression. Why?

[DFE]

I need advice. My STBX has tried the entire time we have been separated to be "friends". We had a huge blowup over the weekend because he thought I was being cold to him and I obviously didn't want to be friends. I proceeded to tell him that I don't know if he deserves my friendship right now. I don't give away my friendship easily and that his treatment of me the last few years makes me rethink if I can be friends with him.

I didn't stop there. I told him that I couldn't be friends with someone who had abandoned his family and that he is expecting and that I reached out to him throughout our marriage to be my friends but he ignored me. He shut the door in my face. How can he now expect me to be his friend when he has made it clear to me he hates me.

Now he is giving me the silent treatment. Although I want no contact from him we still work together. Or he works for me now I should say. I expect him to remain professional and respond to my work related emails. We are also co-parenting and we need to communicate minimally about the kids. I feel all of our relationship has been on his terms and it continues to be how he wants it.

I now have anxiety because I feel that maybe by saying what I said he is going to make things difficult on me. I feel he wants to be my friend to relieve himself of some of the guilt he may have and I am not participating in it. I am not emotionally in a place where I can have regular contact with him. To me it seems he wants to be cake eating and I don't want any part of it. Am I wrong? I need someone else's perspective. All of my friends think that the lines are still blurred for him and that he doesn't full understand the decision he has made. He can't come and go when it's convenient for him. He can't keep my friendship and some family dinners but throw the rest of our relationship out the door. Advice, thoughts, suggestions are all appreciate. You all always help me think clearly.

[DFE]

Wow I am back. I am tired and beat. I am now officially divorced as of the end of February. I had hoped that would bring me the closure that I need. My ex is really trying to be friends. He asks me to go out with him and the kids all the time and even spent the night last week. When I told him that wasn't appropriate he got upset and said we can determine how we do this and what we make of it.

He is right but my issue is I am starting to think again that I can save this I can make this work. What am I saving? It's done. My mind is getting confused and my heart is breaking again. Every interaction with him is a reminder to me that we are no longer a family.


I just told him that I don't know if I can do the friends thing because it makes it hard to move on. I recognize that relationship and marriage is over but my heart and brain are saying conflicting things. My divorce busting mind says you just let him come and go and build on the friendship and that could lead to reconciliation. On the other hand it keeps me stuck. Will I never move on? What do I do? I still see him as my H and I think he is confused too but as soon as I talk about my confusion he gets mad. He says I have been very honest with you.

Advice?

[Cadet]

Divorce should be the ultimate boundary and if you are divorced and still have NO boundaries something is wrong.

He can't be divorced and cake eat and want you too, along with another person.

I think you tell him that you both need space to work on your own issues.

What boundaries do you have?

[DFE]

Boundaries? I started out saying that I would not allow him to cake eat as the last 2+ years of our lives I feel like he got that from me. I told him that I needed space to move on with my life. I think that upset him as we got into an argument and he left. And now of course all of those thoughts are running through my head going what if he was trying to build on our friendship and see if we can make this work. Did I ruin that? Did I screw up our kids chance of having a family again? The usual thoughts.

I was doing ok but he starts sending me mixed messages and that sets me back. In hindsight I see what I could have done differently and know that I had a good chance of helping our marriage. I just don't want to screw that chance up again.

So to answer your question I don't know what boundaries I have or should have. My DB coach agreed that he didn't sound like someone who was certain this was a right move and to just work on the friendship. I just don't want to be stuck emotionally unable to move on. If he is 100% done then why ask me out as a family or say that we should all take a vacation together?

[DFE]

Cadet
I just read the post about boundaries and need to come up with my own. He is taking up too much space in my head and I am trying to restore something by myself. He is giving me conflicting messages or I am just reading them wrong. Nonetheless I feel weak and childish around him.

My DB coach says to continue with the contact and be friends. If it works out it does and if it doesn't we are friends. He is very helpful and will do whatever I need. He is still there for me but it makes me angry that he may be cake eating. The best thing for my kids is that we have a good relationship but what does that exactly mean?

[Sotto]

What could you do that would help you feel 'strong' and 'adult' around him?

[DFE]

Toots I think I need to detach but I don't know how. If he is happy I am happy. If he is upset I am upset. Every time I think I have detached he comes back in my life giving me mixed signals and I get sucked right back in. I don't know how to detach. I feel like a complete idiot because we are divorced and he has told me how he feels about me. BUT it doesn't help that he says he missed his family or that who knows if we will get back together one day.

[DFE]

So I have done a lot of work and forgave him. I let go of the anger and understand why we are here. I think that's been dangerous though. I have been hanging out with him and my kids more. He even spent the night twice (on the couch). One of the nights he asked if we could watch a movie.

Twice now he has said over text is this a date? Or something like this isn't a date or is it?

He's text me a few times now saying Good Morning beautiful. And has said I am a pretty devil in a flirty way. I am now getting confused again. I am enjoying spending more time with my kids. I like being friends with him more than I like fighting with him. He will always have a place in my heart and I know where I could have done different. In a way I am exploring where this goes too but I don't know what he is doing.

He seems like he is testing us out to see if we can get along but I don't want to let him cake eat. Is that what this is? He is very helpful to me around the house and with the kids. Always there if I need something and I know in my heart that he loves me. Strange I know. He invites me to dinner with him and the kids. Even BBQ'd at my house the other day and made us dinner.

I just don't know what to do. I feel like he is having second thoughts about the divorce but I want him to know that this wasn't a joke. You don't get the best parts of being a family without any of the hard parts. This could also be a way for us to BOTH explore the possibility of a new relationship between us. NEW because the old one is dead.

Thoughts? I just need advice. I thought once we were divorced this merry go round would stop but it seems we are back on going around and around.