Devotion To A Dream

[phunguy]

We talked for some time. She came home claws out, where are the kids? You cannot control where they go and I want to see them etc. I told where they were and that they did not need to be here. Straight from there into her talk about me controlling and manipulating her life. And my family controlling and influencing everything. I told her that wasn't true that she withdrew and I made all the decisions because she was not a partner. She tried and tried to spin things at me and repelled them with the facts as best I could. I told her she had done everything she's ever wanted and that I had already apologized to her for my mistakes. That those days are over. That I will not allow her to talk to me like that and that I had some boundaries that needs to be addressed or she could go start packing. Well that shut her up. I'd not seen her this pissed in a while. My W use to be a firecracker!

I told her there was a way forward together or there was a forward way seperate. She maintains that she doesn't believe change is possible and doesn't want to work on anything. She believes I cannot change. But then says making a small pinching with her fingers that that's the possibility for change. She talked about that she said she's seen changes in me but doesn't think they will last, just like all the other times. We also talked about some of her role in all this. She is deep in denial as far as I can tell. She is clinging to that and her resentments because her world is about to change. I told her she could cling to the past all she wanted but I am moving forward with or without her.

I told W that the shoe was now on the other foot and the only way she's staying in this house is if she ends the A. W says she has told him that she cannot be with him, that she needs to get her life together and focus on her kids. I told her that I don't believe her but I will be willing to give her the benefit of the doubt for tonight. I want access to and to randomly check her phone all emails etc. She agreed. I told her that if I caught her she would have to leave immediately.

From there she told me she's done. She just wants out to find herself. I asked her to explain to me how she sees that as a future. She couldn't she says she just can't see us together, that she has a no belief that anything will work. Nor does she want to try because she has already. I tried to explain to her about what I saw as the cycle of our R, she seemed to understand it after a few examples. I explained that my heart will be only open to her for so long. That I don't know how long that will be. Something tells me she needs to go and experience this pain. I told her she could have a 2 weeks to find an apartment or she could move to her friend's house. Since then she has told me she doesn't think she can get an apartment and maybe she should go to her friends but she doesn't want to be away from her kids. I told he she should have thought of that befor and it wasn't my problem.

Seeing as how she is unwilling to work it out at this point I didn't push it anymore. She apologized many times and we talked about the past a bit. I explained to her that I felt it was pointless to discuss the past but would help her understand things if she had questions, I told her until she is able to be honest nothing will be gained from this discussion. We talked about when she moved out how we'd work out visitation for the time being. I told her lets go one step at a time that I would always make sure she could see her kids as long it was in a healthy way. That if she decided to continue her affair she would not involve our children in anyway and if she did that would be a big mistake.

Theres more but that's where I'm at right now. I'm emotionally drained. I feel that Ive come out of this situation ok. As the day has gone by I can see her struggling emotionally trying to keep it together. The kids will ask or say something and she'll almost lose it. The boy is keenly aware she's in pain and has not been nice to her I told him not to treat his mother that way and that we needed to be nice to her. He agreed and has just sort of left her alone it is obvious he is hurt even being around her. We sat down as a family for dinner and I could see her fighting tears pretty much the whole time. She just told me she wants to talk more later I told her I'm here for her.

I suppose I'm back to DB'ng this week. I'm exhausted.