Was the past 18 years just a waste?

[June315]

I thought I was doing OK. Well, I guess June as a stand alone person is doing OK but when it's involved my H, things are still so fragile. That includes my emotions.

I drove his car to the store today and could not help myself. I snooped. So I found change of clothes, a box of chocolate, a business card from Tiffany & co and a hotel receipt. So he did not go to work that night after all. But Tiffany, really? He can't afford to move out but thinking about buying jewelry from Tiffany. Wow. Oh, one last thing I found was print outs from quick divorce website. So I guess he is seriously thinking about D.

Soon as I got home, he rushed out in his bathrobe. I stayed calm and asked if he was OK. I said I asked to take your car and you said OK. He said he knew.

OK, I held up for a few hours. Then I went to him and said," I'm ready to know. Tell me who she is". He denied. I said I know he did not go to work. He still denied and said he went to work. So he would not tell my anything and was getting very annoyed.

I asked the reason why he cannot ML to me because it will be cheating on her. He said there is no one. He said he is just not there with me.

I have worked hard in the past few days to get here but I am here alone. Alone is such an ugly word. Now I just feel lkike crying.