Hopeless in NYC

[eclipse]

W is going to the circus with daughter and Ace today, and during the morning call about return time started bringing up "official business" again. I was in a rush to put breakfast on the table already, so I politely excused myself. When I dropped D off, W asked if I could come in to talk while wearing that nervous smile of hers. Of course it was a bad idea, but it's true that I used avoidance in the past (on the list of grievances) so I can't keep doing that indefinitely either.

We talked. For an hour. She no longer maintains physical distance and seems quite comfortable sitting next to me. Neither does she exhibit panic when talking. She's..."normal" now. I feel anxiety but maintain composure and a steady, calm voice. I think she hates that. Abridged exchange follows (IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER).

W: Why won't you talk about this issue? You always do this...always leave things in limbo.
Me: This topic makes me sick to the stomach. You are asking me to do something which violates my core values. It took over five years and almost destroying myself to understand what matters in this life--how can you expect me to do something contrary now? It's not like I can just go back to being the way I used to be, and even if it were possible, who in their right mind would want to?

W: You're just being stubborn. You're always being stubborn <insert apples::oranges comparison to work here>. If family really matters to you, you can find someone else and make another one, and I can do the same. I don't want to have another child with you.
Me: How come? Am I doing a poor job with this one?

W: No, you can be a great dad. But that doesn't mean we have to be together. We should never have been together this long and should have ended things when we started fighting a year after we met. The only reason we stuck together is because we both had confidence issues.
Me: But then our daughter would never have been born.

W: You know what I mean. We don't work well together and bring out the worst in each other. And you always wait until things get really bad to make any changes.
Me: You're right, I can't imagine how hard it must have been watching me live the way I have. You shouldn't have to tell me--I've spent a lot of time figuring out where I went wrong. But how could I have known then? How could someone who never planned on being a parent have known that family life could be so amazing?

W: I don't care. I remember how I used to talk about "we." Now I realize how much I hate it. I am my own person and want to think about "me." I have free will and I want to do whatever I want.
Me: I don't really know what to tell you.

W: I'm tired of waiting. I'll give you two months. Do you really want to throw away all that money on lawyers? I've been trying to do you a favor and avoid that. You know if we go to court, I'll get the divorce anyway, don't you? We can split now and maybe in two years we'll be good friends, or we can fight it out and be enemies.
Me: So you're giving me an ultimatum? I don't really understand how that leads to friendship.

W: You're the reason both of us feel stuck. You're just using your emotions, and I'm being logical about this. If I was being emotional like you, I would just go back. But since you're not here I can actually think clearly.
Me: I'm sorry it's taking me so long to catch up with you. I really am trying to see this from your perspective.

W: Here's what I'll do for you. I will come to your next therapy appointment and see if I can help with you moving forward.
Me: Thanks, I will think about it.

In the end, she was annoyed and started taking stabs at me. She also popped some Tylenol and said something along the lines of "I never get headaches, you're gonna cause me to get liver failure." I took the pills too, if only for the sake of comradery. By now they were also running late and she asked for a ride to the train, and I agreed. While we were walking to the car, she kept rambling on and on about how she doesn't need luxuries like being driven around, that she's learned to get by without it. Then she quietly got in. Mind you, the guy she almost ran off with before we got married? Yeah...he had a car, and that was one of the reasons (sorry, teenagers back then).

During our short drive, she started asking about what can I do if I'm not going to give her any paperwork right now. She asked about child support payments...how would I like to start making them, or if I would like to not pay them at all. She also asked if I could at least take her name off the utility bills and the joint checking account. Then she pointed out where that apartment she recommended was located (it was on the way), and mentioned how she didn't want it was too inconvenient for her parents to visit and thought it wasn't too far. And finally, our destination. I told her I will think about everything she said and wished her and our daughter to have a good time.

So I did not try to persuade her to come back...just dissecting the thought process. I realize that judging by this encounter, it sounds like everything is going to hell. But sitting there and actually talking to her normally...seeing her in the daylight...it makes me feel close to her. Of course I can't really show it, but still. I am so screwed.