Cheese Shop 2

[LoisB]

I thought "I don't deserve this" and I made it true.

Listen to me carefully on this one.

I came to this new job with all sorts of insecurities. I was using all my same devices to get through and force my way through the fear...THEN! BAM! I was hit with one thing after another.

I held my ground, but began to waiver a little here and a little there. My foundation began to rock a bit. I got tired. I got really tired. My car payments fell behind. I couldn't make rent. I was forced to reach out to Smokey for support because my attorney wasn't.

That's where, in my opinion, I allowed the Devil to creep into my thoughts. I was already vulnerable. I was scared of having Ohio recreated in N.Y.

I allowed it to eat away at me. I started to give in. I didn't ask for help. I stepped back into my default which is retreat and hide.

Then, all those doubts became realities. And, I got angry.

For me, I get angry with the devil. That rat basteerd got into my thoughts again, just when I was turning things around. S.O.B. I got angry and it helps me to get angry because then I have something tangible to fight against.

I can't, I just can't, beat myself up any more. It doesn't serve me. I HAVE to separate the behavior from my person or I will die. I have to see that my behavior doesn't make me bad or good, it just is.

A clear separation of good and evil helps me do that.

And, I know my mother loves me. I didn't argue that the horrible day was some indication she didn't love me. It was proof that even someone who loves, adores and worships their kid can make, in a moment of weakness, a terrible decision...In my world view, I see a negative force pushing for that evil to come to fruition. In some houses, it does.

Something stopped her from carrying it through. I'm not fool enough to think I'm that powerful. Something greater than us both intervened. If there's a God, why can't there be a Devil?

What about that scares you?