When I was five, I walked in on my mother with the business end of a shotgun in her mouth. She was laying on her bed and set the stage for my father. She was still active in her alcoholism and "thought" this scenario made sense to prove a point. Only, it was I who walked through the door first.
My mother, now sober, can't even go there, can't discuss it, can't express the depth of her shame. I honor her feelings and how hard it must be to live with that. What makes a mother do that? It's not love, even though I know my mother loves me.
In reading this, I cannot help but feel compassion for your mother. To be at a point where she felt that ending her own life was the answer to her problems. It must have been a very, very dark place for her and she was in a such deep despair that killing herself was the only option.
You walking in at that moment was divine intervention. Funny how God works in mysterious ways, right?
Let me tell you something here. After my late father passed away, I begun clearing out his personal effects from his clothes in his closet, dresser, his art supplies, family keepsakes, and a ton of memories.
It was during one of those cleaning phase that I came across a letter that he had written to me (never sent, never shown to me) around the time that he and my stepmother were going through a divorce. Mind you, he's the one that had an affair and his own OW. Facing divorce was a very, very low point for my father because he was losing his "family unit" of me, himself, and my stepmother. In that letter, he wrote of how sorry that he had to "kill" himself, how much he loved me and my stepmother.
If he had followed through with his deep despair, I would have been fatherless at the vulnerable age of 12-13. As I read the letter, I spoke to my father as if he was the room with me, "Dear Dad, how awful that you must have felt. How dark you must have felt...that you had no choice but to kill yourself. My heart goes out to you. I am so sorry that you felt this way. I am so glad that you did not follow through with this. This makes me feel closer to you as I got to see the other side of you...you as a man."
I was not angry at all. I was more....like...gosh, how awful this had to be on you.
You see. No one conspired against my father. He made the choice to live to see another day. And then more....
What I am saying here is that you DO have a lot more control over how you live your life than you realize.
Yes, there are bad things that do take place. It is WHERE you put your attention is what you draw back into your life.
For example, you meet some people and see right away that they're not healthy and toxic. You simply step away and give them no attention.
It is the same with self-talk. When one persists in such negative talk, the more it magnifies in your head. Talk about self-fulfilling prophecy. It is like that with the editor and the other folks.
You had it in your head that they were going to fire you. You had it in your head that you were no-good. You had it in your head that you were a "schmuck."
It goes on and on with Smokey.
It goes on with your mother.
Change how you think and your reactions will be different.
This is what I meant by playing the same tape over and over. It's not serving you well at all.
Your mother was not thinking clearly when she put the gun to her mouth. It was not about her lack of "love" for you. She had hit rock bottom and saw no way out of it.
I am mystified as to why this action was the "proof" that your mother did not love you or the kids. In that particular situation, it was not as a "mother", but as a person. When my father wrote that suicide letter, he did not do it from a place as a "Dad", but as "John." Do you see what I am saying here?
Originally Posted By: LoisB
In my life experiences, I've seen evil and I've watched people I love with everything in my soul...I've watched them turn away from love and choose to get high. I've seen it eat at their personalities until you couldn't even recognize the person they used to be.
Is that inherently evil? Or were those based on bad choices?
Let's be clear here:
I believe in God. The God I believe in is very, very loving and benevolent. He's pure Love.
It's the stupid Humans who do not so nice things. No one forced them to do so. Their hearts were closed off which is why some of them do some really awful deeds.
From a place of strong self-worth, choices will be based on love. You see...when you love you, then you will start allowing positive and nourishing people into your life. Because it is what you WANT in your life.
Heather, have you thought about seeing a IC to work through some of those issues?
