Cheese Shop 2

[LoisB]

Whoa. What if the Jedi Master has walked a completely different path than the Jedi? Then, no matter how wise the Master is in his own life, it's not going to be something the Jedi will get because the two have had very, very different experiences.

The Master is going to be frustrated by the Jedi and vice versa.

Honestly, I'm not looking for a Master at this point. In fact, I'm seeing how I need to step away and draw on the interactions in the real world. These boards were a lifeline to me during a very difficult time and I, today, I just wanted to share some insights I felt looking back on the past few weeks/months.

Growth? I don't know. It's slowly feeling safe to be "out there." SLOWLY>

IMHO: Sometimes life is a combat zone. It just is. It's how we react to it that gives us the choice. When you look at the horrors in the world, I'm not sure the victims had much of a choice.

In my world view, I'm not "pretending" there's evil in the world. I believe it.

I lived for a long time with the mindset that I had a choice in every life event...and, I blamed myself for every bad thing that happened. I acted as if I was omnipotent.

And, in the end, I grew to blame and hate myself for every negative thing that happened...even when it wasn't my fault.

MY tendency is to blame MYSELF for everything. So, when I come on here and vent and digest the events of my life...often, it's with the intention of sorting out what is really mine to own and what's not. My tendency is to BLAME ME. I'm fighting 24/7 with negative messages in my head. I think a lot of people can relate to this.

The reality is...life can dish out some really shiddy stuff, but I have a choice in how I react. Still, it doesn't help me to "pretend" it's not shiddy when it is.

Nobody has control over the flat tire. I mean you can do all you can to make sure you don't get the flat...but, put the right piece of debris in the road at the right time and "Blam."

You have control over how you react to the flat...whether you allow it mess up your whole day. Maybe, you let it get to you for 15 minutes, 3 hours or, maybe you ALLOW it to get you rattled for all but the last 15 minutes of the day. Even, then, I think it's important to celebrate the fact that you were able to turn it around at the end.

I'm sure you have good reasons for feeling the way you do about the "Devil" as do I. It works for me. It doesn't make me weak or wrong. Anymore than I would blame an Agnostic or Atheist for believing how they do. In my life experiences, I've seen evil and I've watched people I love with everything in my soul...I've watched them turn away from love and choose to get high. I've seen it eat at their personalities until you couldn't even recognize the person they used to be.

When I was five, I walked in on my mother with the business end of a shotgun in her mouth. She was laying on her bed and set the stage for my father. She was still active in her alcoholism and "thought" this scenario made sense to prove a point. Only, it was I who walked through the door first.

My mother, now sober, can't even go there, can't discuss it, can't express the depth of her shame. I honor her feelings and how hard it must be to live with that. What makes a mother do that? It's not love, even though I know my mother loves me.

I'm happy to help anyone who is wrestling with demons like these as I make my way. And, as I conquer the next step, I will share what I've learned and what I'm still struggling to learn and what works for me.

I'm sorry if it touched a nerve. I respect your life experiences have given you a different viewpoint. And, I respect the hell outta your professional input. This is in arena where I'm really green.