barely holding on - 7

[u-turn]

It has been a roller coaster and it seems like I have just bought a ticket for a different ride.

W is acting like a completely different person than she has in the last year. She said she feels like she getting back to controlling herself, seeing things clearly, able to make decisions again, she wants to try and figure out how this mess happened... I hope this is the fog lifting as I have heard around here before.

She is wanting to hold my hand whenever we are close to each other. It feels good, but I am cautious.

She hasn't expressed any kind of remorse or even said she was sorry. I don't know if she ever will feel that way, and I really don't need that either. I just want to be sure this is real.

I really don't know if I want to push too hard with a request for a NC letter or transparency yet. I worry that will scare the squirrel off. I am ok with trying to get her to join me on my picnic blanket right now.

I know she has asked me what she can do for me, but if I slam her with these demands right now - I don't know how she will react. I have told her that I have a lot of thinking to do before I know what I need. She said she will wait.

I still do not know if I believe all of this, even though I don't have a definite reason not to (besides past lies and deceit).

I am digging deep into what I think will make this work for me. I really would like to see a NC statement from her as well as full transparency. I would like this to come from her, but I don't know if that will ever happen. Best bet is to work together on this and have her feel like it is best for her and her idea (good luck with that - right?)

We talked for a while yesterday about us - her request. We did have a lot of non-R conversation yesterday - which hasn't happened in a long time.

She told me she loved me this morning and hugged me. There have been other signs that I have noticed that this is actually happening (jewelry that I have internally questioned where she acquired is now gone, less sexy dress this week(sad to say, but I know this wasn't for me anyway)...)

All good signs, now I want to take my time and do this right. NO MORE SCREW UPS.

I feel myself coming out of my detachment and that scares me too. I am starting to have expectations, making internal plans for us. All of this worries me that I am setting myself up for another slap. I want to keep my own personal forward progress too.

If I do make a statement to her, if we do have another conversation, I would like to say that I was ready to move forward with or without you. I am happy to see that you are moving in my direction, but I would like to know what your thoughts are on how we can move forward together and rebuild our trust in each other. (I want this to be her idea).

A major trigger to this whole debacle a year ago was my mishandling of my mistrust, jealousy, and lack of proper communication about this (though I now see that this was falling apart much earlier than this).

I am re-reading DR and trying to learn more before I make any more mistakes.

Thanks for everyone's help here!!!