I am still finding mornings so difficult. I don't know what the heck it is. I have got to figure out a way to make it better in the morning.

Yesterday turned out to be a pretty good day. And after the basketball game last night, I took d14 and 4 other girls "night sledding". It was pretty late, but they had so much fun. They were the only ones there.

I was thinking how nice it was to help these girls create these memories.

Then, morning comes. Its is the same dark, dreadful feeling every day. I remember I used to wake up every day, excited for what was to come. I loved my life, I loved my job, I was a happy camper.

I just wrote a list of things that has happened in the past 20 years. Things that xh has done to me which have been really hurtful. It may seem unfair, but if I am honest, xh has done some things over the years which are really, really mean. It wasn't often. It was sporadic. Nothing to the extent of now... but... maybe they were signs of what was to come? I never really focused on these things, bc I knew that xh had some demons inside that he was trying to fight. I gave him a pass. I knew that he had childhood wounds which affected him greatly. Overall, things were good. Like I said, I was happy with my life. But, these things were very hurtful. And things I would never, ever allow back into my life again.

I wrote them down today. It is not a tally sheet. Not to keep score, or anything like that at all. I think I have just always had a tendency to gloss over these very hurtful things. But, I remember them. I was able to come up with a list pretty easily. I never threw them in xh's face or used them against him at all. My focus was always on making things better. But, there were easily accessible to me this morning.

I guess my thinking was that if I am able to see things more clearly, factually, without excuses or emotion, maybe I can move on easier. I can call a spade a spade.

I just keep feeling, in a way, that I was really controlled... like more than I know. Maybe it is just the abandonment. I don't know. But, this internal fear I have, which I seemed so oblivious to. Maybe not. I don't know. I don't want it to seem like it was awful or scary, bc it wasn't like that. I was like, just these roles we were in. And, I never went outside of that role. I know it wouldn't be good. I know xh was insecure about a lot of things. He would never admit that before. But, I do know that it comes from childhood abandonment, verbal and physical abuse.

And it wasn't until recently that he admitted how horrible feeling insecure is. We were having a pretty honest talk about it. I was telling him how I now understood those feelings of abandonment and how I had never experienced such insecurity before. How I had never even been insecure before, but it was the worst feeling. He actually agreed and admitted it. He has never, ever admitted such a thing.

OK, so anyway. This really wasn't supposed to be about him. It is about me and how I get past this part. Seeing things that I no longer will allow in my life... I am hoping will help me let go- totally.

Right now, this is what I see: an accumulation of all of those things on the list, smacked together, to create the person he is now, with nothing else to offer. It is like that, the errors of his past, have become the only character traits he has to offer. It is now who he is, like it is a full time job and he is working overtime.

I think if I remember the hurt I felt when those things happened, and instead of giving it a pass, realizing that that is all he is right now, I think it will really keep me from trying to figure out everything.

I do think it has gotten worse. It makes me sad, but more than anything, it makes me want to stay so far away.

And the funny thing is, that he really does not get that I want him away. It is all like a game to him. All of his thoughts are so calculated.

Recently we were having a discussion about things that had happened over the summer, and that I had driven past him when he was headed to his house and I turned around and followed him. I said NO WAY! (and that never happened!) I said that, first, I couldn't even go anywhere near that house (even when he was in the apt b4 living w hww, I would take a detour so I didn't have to go past the road!) I told him that I didn't want anything to do with him and that situation. That whenever I would get a text or email or anything, I didn't want it. (I am such a bad example for db). I didn't want to communicate with him. He said, "REALLY?!" and was so surprised. I thought he knew since I stayed as far away from him as possible, I would not even look in his direction, and I NEVER contacted him about anything. I usually ignored his communication, unless necessary. And he was shocked! OMG! Now, who knows... who cares.