Susana (5) - Stay the Night

[Zelda09]

Well done.

So, at the same way you were aggravated with your husband for is casualness,, your joke about going to different Starbucks… Same thing.

You guys are in a really tough situation. Acting as if it has its benefits that you can pretend that you are happily married and start moving things in that direction. Sounds like you had a good morning of that. Wheather either if you admit it right now, he is looking at you thinking of how things might be, if there is hope.

It sounds like your husband has never permitted himself to have negative emotions, like you say, he has a hard time defining what they are. I am glad he had a moment of anger, it's going to come out one way or the other. Everybody here has stuff to be angry about. Everybody was letdown, Had dissallusions, was disappointed. In my opinion, you handled it as best as you guys could after all that. And let him know that it was safe to have feelings that weren't so pretty.

You are doing great, Susanna. Keep air in the house, but it might be time for you guys to have a real conversation about what happened too - not future, but to listen and ask about the past, Acknowledge what you can. The superficiality seems to be frustrating him too. Just a thought.

If you go back to page 1 of my thread, I think you will see that there were periods where my husband got 'hissy' and angry at this stage too. Lots of difficult conflicting feelings for everyone.

Hugs.

[susana4]

I think I really need a little "taking care of Susana" time. I am exhausted between trying to slap on the d@mn PMA all the time and alternately trying to GAL the rest of the time. I am fairly introverted and whilst I'm enjoying my GAL I am also spending too much time around others for my liking.

Losing it and crying this morning was a wake-up call that I need some time to myself.

So tomorrow night, H is out for a work dinner, and it's going to be Susana night. I think I will do a spa night (suggestions welcome, so far just thinking a face mask + nails), watch some mindless TV or a movie, and make my own snacks. I have a few leftovers from H's movie and snax day yesterday, and I'll add in a few of my own favourites (and maybe a girly touch like cocktails).

[susana4]

So, at the same way you were aggravated with your husband for is casualness,, your joke about going to different Starbucks… Same thing. - Ha, you are right, I didn't see it that way but we were both doing the same thing, really!

Thanks Z, one of the thing my DB coach has told me is that because H doesn't allow himself to feel negative emotions, I might have to help him define them. It's tough though, when I ask how something made him feel, and he just says "nothing". As hard as it was to see him angry, it is good that he let that out. He has a tendency to let his anger build up inside in a way that he admits is unhealthy, and then explode all at once with a year's worth of anger. (his words)

Thanks Zelda, I am going to reread the first page of your thread. It might be time. I feel he should initiate it, but on the other hand, with his conflict avoidance, not sure he will. Perhaps when I find the right time to bring up my critical b!tchiness, that will jumpstart a convo. But my gut is that it would be best for me to drop the comment casually, and see if he takes the hook to start a convo.

[Zelda09]

Sorry for typos, voice to text...just wanted to add - remember you said your H has a quota for emotional stretch. You'll know when a good time is to either drop a few thoughts at him or ask if you can talk, if you remember that. Just leave room for an exit, or room for him to decline an invite to talk.

After the closeness you shared after a tough time this morning - I think you are trial piecing in a strange way. Expectations are our worst enemy, but celebrate that you are moving closer over all, no?

You've GOT this. All you can do is your best, and you're doing it, there are no regrets to be had here bc there's no magic word, phrasing, timing if it's meant to be. You're going to be fine - No matter what the outcome.

[susana4]

Small 180 for me tonight...

When I came home I noticed a handwritten note from H on the counter. At first I freaked out because I thought it was about ML (I know, I'm not detached enough if I let it affect me), but then I saw it was about a small handmade plate a friend made me, which he accidentally dropped and broke. The note said sorry and that he had superglued it back together.

About a year ago, he dropped a potholder which had a lot of meaning for me as it was a present. I freaked out completely, was shouting at him and he still brings it up to this day. I let my anger get the better of me and I shouldn't have. But on his part (and what infuriated me so much) was he didn't apologise, he didn't offer to fix it (he just threw it out) and he said he'd buy me a replacement but he never did.

Today, I was calm. I don't know how much of it is down to the fact that a broken plate pales in comparison to our broken M, but I thought "this is only a plate, even though it means a lot to me."

And I appreciated that he was trying to glue it back together, so instead of getting angry, I decided to just thank him for fixing it.

So, this is a small thing but this morning H apologised to me again the plate, and I honestly didn't feel angry. Really proud of myself for the 180, and it totally changed the way we interacted.

H: I'm so sorry about the plate.
Me: It's ok, I know it was an accident.
H: I know it was special to you, I'm sorry I broke it. I looked up the best way to piece it back together and the internet said epoxy or superglue, so I went up the shops and got this superglue. It should be ok.
Me: Thanks for fixing it.
H: It's ok, I know it had a lot of meaning for you. Sorry.
Me: It's ok, you didn't mean to. Thanks for gluing it.
(Then he hugged me)
H: Thanks so much for being understanding.

[Zelda09]

Yup, like you told me, you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself to be perfect...

Do you have a friend you can be with and talk to about this, would that nurture you?

[Zelda09]

^^^!!! (About the plate) YES, he is seeing your 180s.

Smooth and steady now, go give yourself a break (well deserved break), lol, stop torturing yourself!

[susana4]

Zelda - you're right about the emotional stretch. I get frustrated but H *has* made some strides lately and while I get annoyed at his inability to identify emotions he is a lot better than a few months ago. I think the key is to balance the more difficult stuff (like our argument and subsequent convo this morning) with fun, lighter times.

Yes, I know what you mean, we do feel closer even in the arguing. So I will try to take that, not expect anything, but celebrate we can relate to each other better.

Thanks! I kind of want to print "I've got this" and "I'll be fine, no matter what" out and stick it on my mirror because I keep telling myself that all the time. But I think H would wonder what on earth it was about.

[susana4]

Yup, like you told me, you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself to be perfect...

Do you have a friend you can be with and talk to about this, would that nurture you?

Ha yes, as I was typing this out I realised the parallels between what I told you and what I am doing. I think a lot of us on these boards have some perfectionistic tendencies?

One thing I've struggled with is that while all my friends have been great about talking to me about the sitch, many of them are very much of the "D the @*$@(, kick him out of your house" variety. I've been talking to them about my sitch a bit less. I do have one friend who's very much a natural DB-er, her advice is always along the lines of DB advice, and she's very supportive. But she's extremely busy at work this month so hard to pin down for dinner/drinks. I'm going to try again for this week though!

[susana4]

^^^!!! (About the plate) YES, he is seeing your 180s.

Smooth and steady now, go give yourself a break (well deserved break), lol, stop torturing yourself!

I will! Cooking calms me, going to go make some Chinese food for dinner tonight! Thanks for the support Z, hugs.