Enjoying the ride

[Zues126]

You're right Mozza. I did read NMMNG and much of it applied. I met with my IC Friday about two beliefs I have:

1. You're supposed to stick out a marriage and never give up.
2. I need a committed lifelong relationship to be happy in my life.

We discussed that to some extent this is natural and healthy. It's GOOD to remain committed, to not walk out on someone because you don't like the way they load the dishwasher. And it's perfectly natural to want to pair up with a loving partner.

But it can become neurotic. For example, my M was horrible. In terms of a pyramid of needs, I had a M in which none of my needs were being met. We literally didn't speak to each other for many months at a time, no ML, and worst of all no partnering up on life. But even though I was miserable I wasn't going to leave because I was willing to give up everything else in my life for one thing- at least there would be someone there with me as I grew into my old age. Something about having a witness to my life. IC said it was like a security blanket for a kid.

So there is part of me that believes no one could love me, no one could want to stay with me, no one could want to want to fulfill my needs. And I think the need for the relationship is also partially to prove that isn't true. In fact, I think I settled for a woman that I originally thought was below me in many ways because I thought it would make it safe, like "she'd never leave me".

NMMNG talks about meeting your own needs. It also talks about being bold enough to ask for what you want, not taking offense if that's not a fit with someone, but not accepting what you don't want either.

I am working on doing that more. What's funny is that on a DAY BY DAY basis I'm absolutely fine on my own. I'm doing better now than I probably ever have in my life. So it's not the day to day living that's giving me a problem, but when I think that it's possible I'll never have a good R it's still a little scary. That's why I was wondering if I was combating my isolation by telling myself "it will work out someday". When I take that promise away it gets a little spooky for me still.

But I think that one day at a time I am proving to myself that I am able to do this. One day at a time I'm getting more confident. And while I still find it hard to believe a woman would be willing to accept me and remain committed to me, maybe I can change this with time. Fortunately I have time.

Either way I'm not going to walk back into an R with anybody that doesn't meet more of my needs than just being a witness or security blanket. Not only is that not what I want, it doesn't work. I was wrong. Accepting a terrible M and saying "all I want is a witness to my life, please don't leave" means the M will end up bad and the chances are it won't last. However meeting more of each other's needs will not only be more satisfying, it will mean the M is more likely to give me the commitment I want as well.