Nuggets

[tadpole1025]

Thanks everyone.

Wonka, I have joined meetup groups but haven't gone to anything yet. I just can't make myself go....

Just journaling/venting/pouring out feelings/babbling incoherently:

Sorry for the length of this post. Just typing as things come to me:

S28 recently had a birthday and became S29. XW invited him, his GF and our other three sons. S29 and his GF are the only ones that went. I had a good chance to talk to him the other day. He says he is getting pretty tired of the way XW acts around certain people. This doesn't surprise me because she has always been a little pretentious. The thing that really shocked me though: he said XW REFUSED to sing "Happy Birthday" to him. WTF? Seriously, WTF?

He also told me that OM was in the hospital a few days earlier this month. Apparently he passed out and got blood and poop all over the bathroom. I guess he had a bleeding ulcer and was trying to hide it from XW. I don't feel good about it, but it brought me a little joy. I know....it shouldn't have. There isn't a mean bone in my body but....this brought me joy.

I've been in a different place "mentally" lately and not sure if I can explain it. I've sort of been seeing me and my life from the outside looking in. It's almost as if I've been watching a really bad movie for the last few years. I keep asking myself "How did I get here?" "What did I do?" "Where will I end up?"

I'm bummed that my friend at work only wants to be friends at the moment, but I'm glad to have her as a friend. She really is the only one I've got at the moment.

I was doing really well with forcing myself to go out until about December. Since then, I've kind of withdrawn a bit. That is when my rattie died. (My other rat is doing better.) I never thought that it would become so difficult to just leave the house. My sons forced me to have margaritas with them at a local restaurant the other night. Yes it was fun, but I wouldn't have left the house if they hadn't forced me to.

Before MLC, I was well-liked, life of the party, recognizable whenever I went out....a guy everyone wanted to be around. Now, I'm content staying in. I have no desire to leave the house. I've put off getting a haircut for two weeks now. I just have no desire to go anywhere. I've been wanting to join a gym and sign up online, but I'm afraid that it will just be a waste of money because I probably wouldn't go. I just can't seem to get over the hump...

I don't even think there are any women interested in me. Can't say that I blame them, but it would be nice.

This will sound very weird, but it is true:
When I was growing up, I always kind of knew two things:

1) I always kind of knew that my life would change when I was 33 years old. It did, I was 33 years old when my grandmother died. That is when I gained a really close relationship with God.

2) I always kind of knew that I would be alone later in life. Here I am.

Sometimes, I say to myself: "What's the point?" I just can't see myself going anywhere in life. Do I want to? Sure. Do I have the energy or willpower? I don't think so. I'm just so tired. I really need to just get away. Or go away and stay away.

Honestly, and I've thought about this a lot, I would be perfectly content giving up any worldly possessions I have left including car, computer, cell phone....even the roof over my head. Just give everything up and just walk....walk until I found a cave that I could crawl into. I know how to garden so I could grow my own food.

I'm just so sick and tired of the way things have "turned out." I don't know.....sometimes I think that I am on the verge of going through "something" myself.

Sorry for the ramble.

Tad