Susana (5) - Stay the Night

[Zelda09]

Maybe it infuriated you because of a light tone when you've been freaking out? Or it wasn't what you expected or thought he should say? No judgement, it prob would have aggravated me, too,after everything.

Been thinking about you, and in no particular order:

The ML bit - yeah, it's hot to have what you feel you can't/shouldn't; to feel like you're cheating on your H with the strange new version of your H; and all else everyone has cited. When it happened the first time with mine, I felt all of that anger of his underneath. Kind of liked it, bc man that aggressive need is awesome. Later, we were objectifying each other in best way possible. At those times we were freshly S, S with his feet firmly in D camp, then S after he moved back home. Who knows what he thought. What mine thought, or anyone else's has little bearing on your sitch, right? Bc it can go both ways. With me, looking back, it seemed to be a Jenga puzzle of ML-emo conversation-fun- me being the me he fell in love with-ML-(repeat cycle 2-3 times), affection, pullback, a new Jenga piece of a R talk, (repeat cycle) - sex fell off when he started seeing me as W again and voiced commitment (still been better than ever though.)

Let's face it, MWD didn't sell her books bc people want to survive D, but bc foremost we all start with hope. We GAL and detach bc it's the best way to be our best self but the end goal is saving M. After WAS has their fill of space, they gotta have hope for things changing too, if there's going to be a chance...hope for a WAS is seeing change in action.

I think your sitch looks good from here. Your H has been happy to spend time with you, get close to you, stay in your home, text you...ML. You're not a doormat for giving lovers attention, being your strong happy sexy self, ML on your terms. If it comes from a centered place an not a desperate one. If you want him, keep showing him unconditional love without pressure. And yeah, no future R talks until he may mention, but I think at some point you gotta let him know you understand what a critical b&&&$ you were. you can keep that light, too! Criticism is death to a R, right?

So maybe your strategy at this point (above all keep working on you - be strong):

1.act As-if; the Carol Dean chapter. Combo of Sandi's rules, but you're still his wife and you can still act lovingly. (A week after moving home, my H reported to our MC I'd been really "loving" we hadn't been fighting...) a few days later, he commits. Change czn happen fast. I think if you act as-if, it might not change anything but it has it's best chance. W standing, a home environment that he suddenly loses any desire to leave. If you can bring all the best parts of your R back into that place, lose the bad parts, why not? ML if YOU can handle it and enjoy it; enjoy a date if the occasion arises; the snack thing; be loving, keep GAL.

2. All this without giving him power to unseat you in any way.

3. Slow is fast. Little goes a long way, give him time and distance to miss you. Hopefully his thoughts are drawn toward you more and more again. You can't control that, so again, keep your eyes on you. Don't text, call or contact in pursuit, let him initiate most right now. I'm still doing this with my H. Dynamics are still same - when I pull back he gets to put effort in.

4. Protect you. Maybe there is no hope and your H is still people pleasing, etc. Maybe he's not the one you'll be with in five years. Get real comfortable with that Stockdale paradox, imagine the worst, and be at peace with it. Be above it. Carry yourself like the better half that is going to do just fine. If you believe it, you don't have to fake it!

I'll keep thinking of you. Take any and all with a grain of salt, but you asked
Hugs, wishing you a good sleep and peaceful night/week.