As I was leaving I had a major anxiety attack, shaking, thumping heart, wanted to throw up, panic rising I had no idea it was coming no ideas where it came from.
I got over there and at one point had that pre nausea feeling, all clammy watering mouth thick tounge swimming vision. Oh dear retreated inside. Sat away and felt better.
The bra worked, better than the trial run. I think might get used to the damn thing.
Ok so the party gossip, the testicle dude turned up quite late. We talked quite a bit, he's a farm type too. He seems far happier now than before. He talked of his new sheep pup he's training and that was ok as really non sheep people don't understand. It was relaxed and good.
What I learnt is while often I'm better at accepting praise and compliments, today I was crap. I need to learn to say thanks, not go mute! (Bloody mute cow, makes me look rude)
Td said the cheap dress was my colour, I should have thanked him.
Had fun, had a few drinkies. No one abused me on the ride home for being a social outcast. I think the other guests liked me, unlike before when I was told People hated me.
So in all it was ok, no ground breaking news of any kind, but most of life is just ordinary moments joined together. Let's just say the whole day was pleasent.
They did some marriage vows and readings. One was from my first wedding which i needed to hear again. I was almost teary, as some of the guests were.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
Pretty sure is because I feel so uncomfortable. H used to take those compliments and then hammer me with nasty spew on the way home.
H used to also tell me people hated me only only were polite or doing those nice thing like inviting me out of duty. I still guilt and out of place. Like I'm on the outside looking in.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
I know this kind of abuse very well. It erodes confidence and destroys the sense of self.
Whilst you know this is abuse and invalid, the tiny grains of truth turn disbelief into belief. It is intended to isolate the abused. To control, it is truly horrible to be on the receiving end of it. Then to make matters worse there will be intermittent positive interactions with the abuser.
Truly awful Gg and I am sad such a truly lovely person such as Gg suffers with this trauma although the abuser has gone. Abusers target the most generous genuine partners.
It takes a long time to recover and leaves us shaky and incredulous. It is hard to rebuild our boundaries in these circumstances, leaving us even more vulnerable.
Gg you were unlucky, only one quarter of one percent of narcs are covert and they are hard to spot.
I want to just wrap you up in a warm blanket and make sure you are safe to cry this through and recover. Keep on posting Gg, I am reading and listening, to share this uphill journey to recover.
The hurt still burns, raw and sore but it will get better in time and with work. H is no longer there, please let his ugly words go. This will improve in time as his voice fades and then decreases to a whisper and finally silent.
Gg is a beautiful, strong woman with a healthy future to look forward to.
Gentleness V
Last edited by Vanilla; 02/22/1503:04 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I believe I understand a little Gg. My H is not narc BPD but compulsive. One is innate and unlikely to change and the other can be managed. Although H acts like a narc he is wilful.
The only time Nilla cheats is with Liam in her imagination and dreams. Good job H does not have access to those thoughts!
Although since the big diet, my dreams are full of cheeeese.
Weigh in day today, small slips in my regime this week including crashing the two separate hours exercise into one session and swapping my free day from Sunday to Friday.
On the plus side no cheese and alcohol. I did eventually do all my exercise program.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 02/22/1506:52 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Well went to dinner and friend who has poped back from the past.
We had a very nice dinner out. She told me about her m, her husband beat her 3 times per year. Abused her verbally.
It was tough but I know what she has gone thru, tbh. I never knew before. So many arh ha moments. Her h spew was just like mine, they both exploted your secrets to hound you with and use as abuse. In my case an odd fine, in hers drinking and bf when in her youth.
Her h did turn around and become the h they so very needed, after h discovered she had an a. The worst bit, he passed, soon after.
She is going to come for dinner with as regularly. Which will be nice, we both need support and it will be good for both of us. Which gives me another option when the other girls cannot go. I'm getting used to going.
She did talk about the old me being laid back relaxed and talked of how hard it must be to cope with the anxiety.
We will keep in touch. All in all a fun weekend.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
Thanks nilla. It's such a small thing we do for each other but big at the same time.
I am concerned for my friend, while she is a switched on lady she seems to not judge people by actions. She relies on their script.
Being such a good person she strives hard to see good. I feel, just that gut feeling uneasy that she's raw from her h and is looking towards not so nice men. I think blinded a bit by that uforic feelings of lust.
Her h kept her value so low, that anyone that gives her any value seems to send her all jelly. I think to a degree I now see me.
All those pom, is me grasping the first thing that comes by. Seeing her stich I'm going to be a bit more careful. The cute dude is acting cagey, it's not me, it's something about him.
I need to listen, to not only peoples script, but the whole way of acting. Time slow is fast to build something lasting.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
