I'm sorry, phunguy... A lot of us have been there. Do you care to tell us exactly wha t you tih d and to detail your thinking at the moment? I'm not entirely clear if you're still interested to save your M, if you're taking some time to process the news, etc.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Sure. Last night I was in the kitchen and she had left her highly guarded phone there, it buzzed, text msg. I saw her boss' name. I opened up her phone read the text. From her to him: the weekend is almost here can't wait to touch you, missing you very much. Reply: yes, I can't wait for all of you. Some crap about work, see you didn't need me. Reply: Yes baby and we missed u ILUA(I love you alot).
It's so f'n cheesy...
Utterly devastated to have some real evidence that I had been searching for, I quickly sent screen capture text to myself and then emailed it to my email accounts. Then I took the phone up stairs to the bedroom where she was preparing her things for her weekend away at her girlfriends(lie!) I put it in her face and called her some names. She was shocked. Flew off the handled yelling and screaming. S8 still up comes down stairs, this yelling and screaming, it's all your fault, this is why I get in trouble, this is why! Total OMG moment!
I get him calmed apologize and get him back to his room. Wife tries to barge into sons room while I'm talking to him, I barricade the door with my body while she screams at me to open it, yelling this and that to me about letting her in. Screaming that I told him. I didn't tell him anything other than we were having an arguement and that everything would be all right. I tell her to go away after a while she does. We go down stairs I tell her to calm down let's talk.
We talk for the next 30mins or so she gives me some information about the duration, etc. I tell her I will expose the affair to her employer and they will both be fired and I will sue him and her employer. She begs me not to go public. I tell her that the only I will not is if she immediately agrees to give me full custody. She agrees. We talk some more. I tell her I want her our as soon as possible. To take the weekend, come up with a plan. I give her a carrot. I tell her, that my heart is still open to her. That I love and have loved her deeply. That I am capable of forgiving her for her mistake. I know that he is fulfilling emotional needs that I had not recently but in the past I had. She says she doesn't think I can forgive her and tells me she should have asked for divorce earlier. I tell her she's made a lot of mistakes over the last year and that I am uncertain how long I will feel that this might be savable. She says I deserve someone who will love me. I tell her she is very confused and has no idea what she wants, she agrees. I tell her that as soon as the shine wears off of her A, she will be alone. That her boss is already on his second marriage and it is over. That he is using her. She says she's unsure what if anything she will actually do with him in terms of the future. I ask her if she loves him, she says she doesn't know.
I tell her I asked her Monday to be honest. That she lied and she has hurt me more than any mean words I may have said to her. She said maybe she wanted me to find out. I tell her I have now found out and that if she wants to try to save this R she will have to dissolve A immediately. She says she doesn't know what she wants. I tell her to go for the weekend and come back Sunday to tell me her decision. She follows all of this with her same lines, I've lost myself, I need to find myself, maybe I just need to be alone, etc.
I'm going through some tough emotions since last night. I've not slept but 2 hrs. or so. My brain is fried. I'm angry, then sad, then angry, then remorseful, then thinking it can be saved, then thinking it's over, it's all too much for me to take.
Me 41 Wife 38 T20 M13 S8 D3 Bomb 1/26/15 A confirmed 2/19/15
Seriously can't believe myself right now. Never thought I'd ever entertain the idea of forgiving her for an A. Am I weak? Bargaining? Denial? I just want to move from this place of pain I suppose, it hurts and this would allow me to cheaply escape this pain. Where does it leave me? Where does it leave us? Is this really happening? I'm in some kind of bizarre and surreal world. This [censored]!
Me 41 Wife 38 T20 M13 S8 D3 Bomb 1/26/15 A confirmed 2/19/15
I'm sorry you are hurting so badly. Now that the A has been discovered and she knows you know, your game plan may need to change. So take the weekend to feel the emotions of all of this, and when you are able, you need to decide how you want to handle things.
I will just tell you that the longer you "tolerate" her being unfaithful while she's living with you and your children, the longer it may take for her to decide what she wants. Right now, she is operating out of her emotional needs and what seems would be the easiest path to take for herself. You cannot afford to operate out of your emotions, and that is why it is so important for you to have yourself under control.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi2, I will not tolerate it at all. I told her to leave that if she wants to be with him she must go. She called me yesterday after work and claimed she was not going to see him. I told her BS. Sh said she knows I don't believe her but she wasn't. I told her to think about where her heads at for falling for his cheesy BS when I have been pouring my heart out to her. Further that we had some very good days this last week or two and that I knew she had felt it too. She agreed. I told her to get her head together and we'll talk Sunday. She said she would call to talk to the kids I said I'm not sure that is a good idea right now she said I'm using the kids against her. I told her that where she's at right now it is not a good place and she shouldn't be around them. I also told her that I will not allow her to live in our home if she is continuing the A that she needed to be prepared to leave Sunday or to begin the healing. I told her that the only way forward was to draw a line on Sunday and leave the past right there and go forward together and heal these wounds.
I'm out of tears and I can't seem to stop shaking at times. There's a pain in my body I've never felt before it's sickening and deep in my stomach. My brain will not shut off and everything reminds me of her. It's hard to be in our home and see pictures of us and our memories and with our children so we left for a few hours to go to the movies and have some fun. I put my D3 down for a nap and my boy is out playing with his friends. I am trying to be strong for him and show him how a man faces his problems with resolve and and determnation not anger. I hope I can fulfill this promise every day for both of my children. I hope to be the man a daughter can respect and when she's older she will hold up me as an example of the the of man she might seek as her partner.
Some words of inspiration
No matter how you slice your day or dream of places far away or try to set your world apart You always end up where you start
Me 41 Wife 38 T20 M13 S8 D3 Bomb 1/26/15 A confirmed 2/19/15
Hi Phunguy, I'm so sorry things are so difficult for you right now. It sounds as though you are doing all that you can to get through it as best you can. I think at this stage, surviving, looking after the kids and setting your boundaries are about as much as you can do.
You've been very firm and specific with your W and I hope she responds in the way that you hope she will. There are always risks with ultimatums as you know. She may decide to continue the A, and you may S. She may say she will end it and then re-connect with OM.
I guess what I'm saying is that few sitches seem to go the way of the A ending and working on the M at your stage. Sounds as though you're doing as well as you can do in hugely difficult circumstances anyway. Good luck to you. (())
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Thanks Toots. I cannot thank you and the others here enough for all the support. I'm not comfortable speaking with people I know about this some how I feel shame in all of this. I know I've made mistakes but I feel like a complete failure. This board has been my outlet. I can't express where I'm at verbally this helps me get it out. Im reading chapter 10 again and trying to remain hopeful for tomorrow but I am also trying to be realistic that it's probably over. It hurts to even type that out. But that is the place, the start.
Me 41 Wife 38 T20 M13 S8 D3 Bomb 1/26/15 A confirmed 2/19/15
A word of caution. At some point, maybe even by Sunday, she is going to turn this around and try to make it all your fault. You already feel lousy and recognize your mistakes, but she will try to make you feel responsible for her A.
A WAW in an A is very slick about turning the tables, so be prepared.
Oh, and what she said about you keeping the kids from her is script, too.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
She just txt me asking to talk to the kids again. Again I told her that I didn't think it was a good idea I don't want our son to get upset, we've had a good day. She asked me how I was doing and I told her I am very hurt. She said "I am truly sorry I don't know what else I can say" I said saying sorry helps. I asked her if she had ended it? She replied with a picture of her and her two girlfriends saying she's been looking at kitchen remodeling stuff all day. Then saying she's going to the ones house this evening for tacos and drinks. Also that she has been doing a lot of thinking. She completely avoided my question directly, but I suppose she did try to provide me with some assurance that wasn't with him right now. Which makes me think she's full of it of course. I'm not sure how to feel about that. I suppose I iust put some pressure on her and it seems she's still not reached a decision. Or it's all just a pack of lies.
Last edited by phunguy; 02/22/1512:11 AM.
Me 41 Wife 38 T20 M13 S8 D3 Bomb 1/26/15 A confirmed 2/19/15
