Was the past 18 years just a waste?

[June315]

Snowing now. Freezing temperature. I was planning to go out but bc of the weather and bc my H is not home, I decided to stay in. Better to have him see me going out than not, right?

H is supposed to be working double shift. But who knows, really. I'm not calling his work to check. Used to do that but don't want to anymore. He turned of his phone and I did not leave any messages. OK, I'm trying here. He did text and call a few times since last night.

Just finished BD after many attempts. I guess one of the reasons I had a hard time reading it was there are many situations about kids. Well, sort of leave me some strange feelings.

I also spoke to someone from admission of the school I'm interested to enroll. Quite promising. He seemed to like what I told him about me and we will have another interview this Monday. I also contacted my friend who went to school with me 15 years ago but lost touch. I asked her to go to school with me so she might. So exciting for this.

I told my H about school and he said he is very happy for me and thinks this is a good thing. I then told him about talking to the old friend again. He said well this is normal when you have problems at home, you tend to reach out to people.

I am letting go of the illusion that my H is the only one who holds my happiness. No, no, no. I am the only one who can make myself happy.