Susana (5) - Stay the Night

[susana4]

So, I stretched out my GAL to basically avoid seeing H at all, because my emotions are quite raw and I don't want to say or do something I'd regret.

My plans for the day had been a belly dancing class, visiting a friend in hospital, and then a meetup. I skipped out on the belly dancing class and met a friend for coffee for some damage control, then we went to the hospital to visit our friend together. After his treatment, the 3 of us went for dinner (skipped the meetup).

Now I've gone to a coffee shop, planning to stay here a bit and then i'll head back once I think H will have left for his friend's house for dinner. Thought i'd go to bed early, before he gets back.

However, that still leaves me with tomorrow. I obviously can't avoid him forever. :P

I think I need to act (act as if, if necessary) calm and confident and the same as before - warm and friendly, not pursuing.

The problem is my instinct, weirdly, is not to pursue but to RUN the f away, and avoid him. In fact, earlier I was telling my friend I kind of want to just never see H again. Maybe I am as scared of conflict as he is?

I've been thinking about this for awhile, but if/when we S, I think I will go completely dark. H and I have no reason to see/speak to each other (no kids, no house). At BD he expressed the desire to remain best friends and see each other a lot, and I just don't see how that's possible. I couldn't do it, and I don't think he could if we're going to ML like that.

And then earlier today I just kept thinking - oh god, maybe it would just be all easier if I never saw him again. But I think partly that's just an instinct to flee.

My major questions for tonight:
-How do I handle tomorrow?
-What do I do if he brings up the topic of last night's ML again?
-What if he tries to ML again?