Seperated, she is with someone - I'm desperate (2)

[Ahoy]

I would leave it alone. Unless she is asking for direct help with D7 there's nothing for you to respond to. Do not willingly jump aboard the crazy train!

If you feel like you absolutely have to respond, then the message you drafted sounds fine.

[vdubber]

Thanks for the advice Wet and Ahoy. I kept it to D7 as I did want to acknowledge she is sick. S9 was sick a couple weeks ago and I let her know as well. I don't know if she will press me on why didn't I answer or on her getting pulled over but I will ignore any of that. I still wish I knew what was going on that made her have to stop at my house to use the restroom...that's just plain weird but then there is so much I simply don't understand anymore so I just need to throw it in the growing pile of WTF moments and forget about it.

[Ahoy]

Probably she wanted you to rescue her in some way. And she was temperature checking. But as long as she has OM she should not be using you for her emotional support. That is cake-eating, and it's hard for a woman to respect a man who allows that, even if she wants the validation.

[vdubber]

Yes Ahoy I agree. The fact that she tried to call me twice as she was getting pulled over tells me she wanted support from me. The fact that she stopped by and asked about me seemed like a temperature check. The later texts seemed to also be reaching out for support.

This is one of the areas I've really tried to focus on as you are right she has an OM now. If he's so wonderful then leave me out of it. For months I texted her good morning, goodnight, dropped coffee off to her house on my way to work, asked her how her day was, etc... I was support for her even though she had an OM in the picture and I just didn't know it or didn't want to know it.

I believe in her mind she sees my detaching as some form of control or manipulation...as a game of sorts. This is not what it is, but for me to finally stand up for and protect myself. Yes it kills me not to hear from her, she was my best friend from the time I was 16 years old. I struggle with the NC daily but I am really trying my best to hold myself accountable.

I miss her more than words can say but I know the her she is now is not the woman that deserves the man I am. I recognize things about myself that need to change. I need to continue to break the codependency, to be an individual on my own, to get my confidence and self esteem back. To get my own interests and friends. To become happy in my own skin even if she is not there to take the adventure with me.

I do have hope still absolutely, but I think my hope is much more tempered by my coming to grips with reality of my situation. I dread the day I wake up and my hope is no more.

[Sotto]

This.....

"I need to continue to break the codependency, to be an individual on my own, to get my confidence and self esteem back. To get my own interests and friends. To become happy in my own skin."

is way more attractive than this.....

"For months I texted her good morning, goodnight, dropped coffee off to her house on my way to work, asked her how her day was, etc... I was support for her even though she had an OM in the picture"

and that's where DBing is counter intuitive. I think you're doing well VDubber.

[vdubber]

Thanks Toots. Yes I think I finally believe and understand this. It is completely counter intuitive as I had always thought I needed to be there for her, to show her how much I care, to do the little things. That might be good and dandy in a healthy M but not where my M has been and made me very unattractive and needy.

I can look back and see some progress I've made but I'm still a rookie...alot of growth required.

Going to see if I can get S18 out of the house this afternoon to go downtown to an Indian restaurant. A colleague of mine also just arrived in town yesterday so going to see if I can meet up with him for dinner tonight or tomorrow night. GAL is still challenging for me right now but looking for improvement in this area each week.

[vdubber]

Constant reminders. Today a ring arrived that I ordered for her about 2 months ago. Yes when I was in the get everything for her mode. I now have a while pile of stuff in a box that will never see the light of day. Ugghhh..

meeting my colleague for a drink later this evening in fact he wants me to run some errands with him this afternoon so I probably will to kill the time.

I shouldn't let it bother me but my S18 told me today that last night FIL watched the little kids and WAW has asked him to watch them tonight. He knows he has to watch them at her house. That means on her week with kids she gets them all week just before daycare closes at 8pm just in time to take them home and put them to bed and then arranges babysitters for the weekend nights so she can go out. I need to let it go, if her time is more important than time with her kids that's the choice she makes. Remember I have no control and I can choose whatever relationship I want with kids independent of her choices.

Is it bad that I wish she had been issued a DUI last night? Probably so but she needs to face the consequences of her actions which include alcoholism...I was amazed she past the breathalyzer test but then I don't know what she did last night while her dad was babysitting.

Ok enough dwelling on her and her choices. I'm more disappointed than anything as it proves to me where she is currently placing her values and i don't agree with it but again....I need to stfu up and deal with it.

[vdubber]

Went out for dinner last night with a friend that was in town. He and I have alot in common as he has been seperated and living in different houses for 3 or 4 years but his wife is not WAW. Still he can relate and listen. Couldn't get my S18 up and out to have lunch with me so I am out by myself but it's sunny out so feels nice.

W sent me a picture of D7 this morning in one of her play outfits. I just replied with "she's beautiful ". I sure do miss all being together...making coffee, breakfast, reading paper, hearing kids play and laugh. Those days seem forever ago now. I wrote in my journal this morning which helps me, I left another voicemail for L so I can get legal advice, hopefully I will be able to see then this week.

Still find myself wondering what the heck W is thinking and have to try to hit myself with a 2x4 to stop.

Wishing you all a good day, and a day of growth no matter how little as long as it's positive.

[vdubber]

I did pretty good today but everything hit me again tonight and I broke down sobbing. I get my kids tomorrow so this next week after I put them to bed at night i need to continue reading DR. It's hard to see any hope for R when I have no contact with W. The next 2 weeks at work are going to be very busy which is both good and bad as I've had days where I really stuggle focusing at work.

W actually had texted me this evening to remind me there is no school Friday but kids daycare is open, they close at 6 instead of 8 as normal. I just waited 30 minutes and then said ok. I always get them before 6 anyway. It's strange but I almost seem to have a tougher time with breaking down when I hear from her more. I had the calls/texts late Fri night, text about D7 sick saturday..which I actually sent to check on D7...and the picture she sent today along with asking how S18 was doing in school, and then the text tonight about school closed friday. Is it wrong that im thinking it would be easier for me emotionally to just plain not hear from her rather than getting a text or more each day or two? Now that it is her week without kids I doubt I will here from her at all this week. What to do when hearing from her makes me break down but not hearing from her for several days is also difficult as I want her to try and reach out just to know she thinks of me.

Yes I'm backsliding again as I am worried too much about what she is thinking or feeling. I guess I didn't keep busy enough today and time to just sit and dwell on R or rather lack of is not doing me any favors.

[vdubber]

I have been thinking there are alot of things I want to say to WAW and i know that now is not the time but from reading some other threads I think it would be therapeutic for me to write her a letter and not send it...just as a way to feel I've said what I need to since we never had a discussion on what went wrong, what hurt existed and such. I realize this is me putting thought on R but I've been struggling with us just ending things and never having confronted and addressed the issues with each other.

My hope is that I write this out and then let it be and stop harboring the feeling that we didn't try.