I still say, Rzrback, you are trying to hold too tightly. And if your temper doesn't stay down a lot more, S may still be something to consider. Another reason you may not have wanted physical S was b/c you didn't feel like you could control things as well. As I see it, this all works together (holding too tightly, anger, and controlling), but it's working against you.
No doubt I am still trying to control things. The main reason I opposed S early in our sitch was that I didn't want to give her carte blanche to pursue OM. I had images of her escalating her contact with him and even running off to see him when he was in town, unfettered by her meddling husband. If that's not trying to control things, then nothing is. I had also been advised by a friend who was also a marriage counselor to consider trial S as a last resort option. In his experience S just served to make the D more likely.
I the light of day, I feel detached enough to be ready for anything...until she says something that spikes my fear of losing her. I did have a small victory this morning. She woke me up at 3:30am, talking about how sad and disconnected she felt. I was able to use some of the emotional aikido techniques that Wonka suggested. I kept my cool, validated her, and within 10 minutes we were laughing over some funny pics she had posted on Facebook.
Sometimes I wonder what's really motivating me. Is it that I'm really wanting this marriage to work, or that I can't stomach the image of her with someone else? I forget that there were a few times through our M where I would have been the WAS if it wasn't for the kids. Whatever the case, I know there are lots of good things about our current life that I do not want to leave behind, and I certainly don't want to fracture our family. Bottom line, I can't shake the feeling that I would greatly regret losing her, especially if I ended up deciding to walk away. It's that fear that keeps me hanging on so hard. I feel like we have everything that makes a good M with the exception of emotional and physical intimacy. If that could get rekindled, we would be on a good trajectory for sure.
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Even when you are trying to get to the stronger piecing stage, I can see how it could be beneficial, for some, to live separately. Again, these are just my opinions. People have to do what works.
We had discussed a trial S where we continued MC and only dated each other. We shelved that, but it might be worth considering if there's no progress in the next few months, or if I can't get my temper under better control.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
