OK, successful day. It kind of feels like DAY 1 of my new life or something.
I am not sure how to explain it, or what my exact feelings are. But I think for a long time, I was really scared to truly let go of xh. I mean, really. I had accepted his situation in the summer the best I could. He was in a different life. But, I couldn't help but think he got so caught up and felt trapped and didn't want that life. And, he did admit that. However, now, he is making a choice. And, so I can say- well- he didn't do it bc he was trapped. He is making a conscious decision (as conscious as he thinks) to be there.
OK, so now, I am letting go. I have been doing a little more reading on this subject, and see that there is hope for me. (I know, you have all told me) And I'm also realizing that maybe things weren't as rosy as I made them out to be. Not that it was bad, by any means. In fact, I did love my marriage and life. But I now have the opportunity to fix myself, focus on myself, and reassess every tiny aspect of my life. And do exactly as uR stated above.
I feel better. I care less about xh's sitch. You know, at the beginning of the week, I kept getting those little lame texts from xh. It was to keep me spinning. It's a control tactic on his part. If he really cared how I was doing or anything, he could get off his arse and come find out. Not send some pathetic little text. But, there is really no sincerity... only selfishness.
Clarity!
And since Wednesday, D14's bday, and I told him to make his own plans, he is really throwing a tantrum. I have heard nothing and he has not even been around bil at all. Not that I've seen, but I really haven't paid much attention. I can see... a real tantrum. Like, I will show you. I think it is so lame. I think it is so pathetic. It does not bother me. But, how happy can they be living like that?
I had a good day. There was a basketball tournament at the school. (All of the games were super close and a couple went into overtime.) My niece has been here since yesterday and is staying until tomorrow. After d14 game, her team went to lunch. My niece and I went. The kids had a great time. (I had a nice convo with her coach...who mentioned he knew hww... from a couple yrs ago when she was in high school... BARF! He said, "What's your husband doing messin' with that young girl?" I said, "What's he doing messin' with ANY girl?!") But we just laughed it off...
Picked up s17 and his friend and we all went to the games tonight. It went into overtime. D14 had to video tape it with my niece. S17 was with his friends, and I was volunteering there. Even though we were in different locations, I thought about how nice it was to all be there together, doing our thing, but to know each other were there. And how xh is missing out... and pouting over there. Happy times, bud... enjoy it. I know we are!
Kids are home now hanging with their friends. I do wish I had someone here with me, but it feels good to just get out and be around people again. I've been hibernating a little bit. Or... a lot a bit.
We go back tomorrow for more games, and I am looking forward to it.
