I would like to start off by saying thank you for all of your support, but most of all I would like to publicly thank my wife (Aquarian).
Since I have discovered that my wife was posting on this board, I began reading her posts and was devastated by some of them. I told her that I would like her to communicate her feelings with me first instead of reading them for the first time like everyone else, but it continued. I backed off that request as I was finding this to be her true feelings and felt it was more important to hear what her true feelings were rather than have her close up again, as one of our main issues was communicating.
You see, for the past three months I thought that we were making very good progress. Reading the SSM book was great, as I was starting to feel a connection again. When W began initiating, and ML more often, I took that as everything is going to be fine and I was getting on the right track with what I needed to do to validate her, and she was working through what she needed to.
Last week's post was the hardest thing that I have ever had to deal with. My first reaction to this was utter shock, total devastation, confusion, very alone and helplessness. I spent the next few days crying and confused as I didn’t understand why this was happening. In the last 3 months everything seemed to be getting better. I was so devastated that it physically was making me sick.
For the first time in a very long time I finally heard myself talking and until I started to hear myself I couldn’t her. Although my eyes were blurry from all of the tears I began to see what my wife has been trying to say all of these years. Over time when she would try to tell me anything that infringed on the safety net I would talk her out of what she was saying, out of my own fears until she gave in to my feelings and needs and continued to pretend that everything was OK. The more I cried the more it became clearer. I made a realisation that I haven’t been true to who I was and in fact lost touch with who I truly am.
I am beginning to see our relationship and marriage through her eyes and I am beginning to understand how she must have felt and feel the way in which she does. I have been so focusing on only one aspect of our marriage that I lost touch with the rest of it not noticing this wasn’t the issue to begin with. I may be wrong but believe that when she says “she doesn’t want this marriage” she doesn’t want to continue to try and save what our marriage has become.
For those of you who have been following LDWife/Aquarian's threads, you have a picture of our situation. There may be a loss of intimacy in the bedroom but that is not due to HD/LD/ND in our marriage. I realise that there is a loss of desire to want to be close and intimate due to what is happening outside the bedroom. I know that my wife wants to find herself, find her individuality as a person and get back to being true to herself. I also now can see how the pressures of a marriage can be too demanding to allow this to happen and the need for space is needed.
Just as my wife, I too don’t want what our marriage has become, and feel I need to find myself and be true to myself again. I do feel like we have turned the corner to true happiness, but that must begin with both of us being true to ourselves so we can be true to one another.
I don’t feel anger, guilt, but I do feel remorse for the hurt and pain that I have caused her. I need to learn how to forgive myself for this. I feel humbled and empowered to borrow some of the courage and strength that my wife has shown to allow me to be strong.
I need to take a break for now but do have more I’d like to share.
