Wife has been living at parents for 1 month now.

[Young at Heart]

So we have been married for almost 12 years and together for 14 years, I'm 42 and my W is 41, we have 4 kids (17/17/10/8), the 2 older ones are from previous relationships from both my W and myself, they are both girls and we each have custody of them. The younger 2 are both boys from our relationship.

...she told me that she didn't feel close to me and felt distant. I was stunned, blindsided, never saw this coming as we I though were getting along fine.

...Background of our fights is we average a big fight 2x per year ...I've been known to yell, throw things and hit walls every once in awhile. Never hurt her, never threatened her, never towards her....This last fight she did call the police on me when we were yelling, there was no throwing anything or hitting any walls just yelling between us.

...There was never any warning signs that I noticed before this day she told me she felt distant.

... I have learned to step back and look at issues in a different way to not cause conflict with her.

After I was told this about a week later W left home and moved to her parents which is only a couple blocks away from our house. We started counselling and had one couples counselling then since that we have each had a separate counselor. I am enjoying my counselling because it's helping me with my stress from other issues that has potentially caused my anger issues during our arguments and I feel better. My wife has not been very communicative with me but she will talk if we are around each other, it has got better as I was being the pushy one about our relationship and getting back together since I have started reading DR and backed off with a lot of things.

I love my wife and really want this to work, .... I'm leaning a lot from my counselling on how to deal with anger, arguments and communications but it's really hard to put these skills to work with my wife not home. I've learned a lot about myself in the last month and seen how I can act from the outside and I'm very upset with what I've seen, change is definitely happening for me. My W birthday is coming up in 3 days and I want to celebrate it for her but I don't want to be to pushy either.

Well that's my story for now, trying to stay positive and work my way to a better husband and person for my family.

First, congratualations I think you understand many of the issues. Calling the police should have been a clue that she viewed that fight differently.

Good work on the counseling. In addition to counseling for the two of you, may I suggest a few sessions with all your children and step children. Seriously, such a fight and the police showing up and their mother leaving the house has to have had a huge impact on them. It really needs to be discussed, their fears need to be addressed and your wife and kids need to understand that you are sorry for what you did, but that you are changing who you are and want a better relationship with all of them.

You are doing well not to be too pushy. As to her birthday, maybe give her something for herself. For example a spa gift certificate for nails or a massage. Something that doesn't involve you, but is your pamperhing her from a safe distance.

The real holiday coming up is mothers day where you can thank her for being the mother of your chidren and the mother of your stepchildren. That is the one I would even discuss with your counselor.

Good luck.