Quote: I've never been madly in love. This isn't a down wave.
what is MADLY in love?
my h during our seperation (initiated by him) said to me that he never was in love with me, never had those feelings for me that "it" was never there and he whole heartedly believed it...I started to believe it too...it's easy to see things in black and white when you get stuck. Eventually h came home and admitted that he was wrong about not having ever had those feelings for me...of course I still doubted it...doubted it for a long time until just a month or so ago when I was cleaning out my closet and came upon a box of old cards from him to me...nothing extraordianry but there was something about them..the occassinal words he'd written that reminded me and him (when I showed them to him) that he did indeed have those feelings once and on occassion still does.
Again I'll ask you, what is MADLY in love?
is there a possibility that someone might just be MADLY inlove with another if upon recieving a gift that didn't meet their expectations was still happy to be with them?
Neither life nor love are easy and they get even harder when you try to combine the two, if you don't think that's true take a look around this bb...see what's going on in the other forums. Read divorce busting and/or divorce remedy not because you want to save your m but because there is a vast amount of basic information hiding in them.
I do wish you happiness and hope you choose the right path to get there.
Once the butterflies and giggles are all gone, love becomes a choice.
I too would really like to find myself immersed in a relationship where "good stuff" flows through it like a river. Great dream, but it isn't going to happen. Not with my wife, not with anyone else.
Sure, there will be/have been good times and bad, good feelings and bad.
I want to remind you about something you probably already know - feelings, for the most part, are untrustworthy. As intense as they can be, they are certainly NOT a substantial criteria to base the termination of a relationship on. I highly recommend as others here have, that you back up, calm down, and talk to each other. You are unlikely to find the answer to your problems in a separation. Believe me, if CH was abusive and mean, I would be cheering you on to getting some distance between the two of you.
As for masturbating and vibrators, maybe both of you need to realize that there is a lot of potential for fun and good healthy adult interaction BETWEEN THE TWO OF YOU in those two words.
When I was 19 years old, my parents called and wanted me to come home to talk to them. I arrived and sat at the kitchen table with them. My father started telling me that my mother wanted to leave him. I talked to both of them for a while. Exasperated, my father said "Son, tell her she can't do this!" One look at my mother told me that she had made up her mind. I knew then that she was wrong, but I didn't try to change her mind, I didn't think she would listen.
Before she died a couple years back, she told me how many times she had wished she had stayed with my father. She married 7 times after she divorced my dad. She died alone, a couple of years after her last failed marriage. I still wish I had tried to change her mind at the kitchen table long ago.
You folks think long and hard about what you are doing.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
He has a couple right in front of him, with big problems, and he looked right at them and said that if they divorce to try and find a "Better" mate, that their second marriage would have only a 30% chance of success. It is almost always better to work on your marriage then give it up.
Quote: LostLove wrote" What is MADLY in love? Is there a possibility that someone might just be MADLY inlove with another if upon recieving a gift that didn't meet their expectations was still happy to be with them?
For me, "madly" in love is the same as "in love". It's knowing that even when or if someone doesn't quite get something right it's still ok. It's easy to overlook it and see that it was the thought that counts. It's accepting someone for who they are, as they are and embracing that. Feeling Madly in love is wanting to put a little extra effort into trying to make the other person feel appreciated and loved. It's wanting to share your time with them and wanting to see them smile. It's longing for the next time you can touch eachother, even if it's just a hug. It's not wanting to go to bed without saying goodnight and kissing. It's looking forward to seeing that person at the end of the day.
Thank you NOPkins for your thoughts. We've been doing alot of talking.
LuvHubby, yes, I am still lurking about, but H has mentioned the board as a negative aspect to my parents. I'm not sure why he's so threatened by a group of "strangers", but he has told me that he will not be posting anymore. I on the other hand, need to communicate my thoughts to my friends and to as many people who care as possible. Not that everyone here cares, but whoever reads and chooses to follow along, you know?
It's been a tense couple of days. H prepared a bubble bath for me, all candlelit, complete with wine this evening. I'm having a very difficult time. He's been validating quite a bit and seems willing to jump through hoops for me, and it's killing me. I want to be his best friend or as close a friend as possible, but no more than that. I know in my heart that no matter what he does, I'll never be able to truly be his lover again. It's gone. It's been gone since 1997. As painful as it is to say that, I know it to be true. I'm sorry.
We watched a movie lastnight, and something struck me afterwards. I cry in almost every romantic story where the man ends up winning the woman's heart. I've always been a bit sappy that way! I realized lastnight that part of why I cry is because I've never really had that. Sure, I thought I had it, but it's hard to imagine that a man who wins your heart would betray you while you're sleeping soundly in the security of his presence. It's also hard to imagine that such a man could vow not to repeat such a betrayal and then do it all over again one week later. I know many do not agree with my perspective on that, including my own father, but it's still a scar nonetheless and it hasn't healed yet.
I'm honestly not setting out to make H a monster, even if it appears that way. I married him in spite of this, hoping that time and effort might heal and renew my love for him. I then hoped that having his children would help, not to mention how badly I wanted to be a mom. We'll be married for 6 years this August... if I haven't healed by now, doesn't it just make sense that I won't? What I mean is, I don't think it's realistic anymore to hope and try to undo our past. Geez, I need to see my therapist... I must sound crazy.
Quote: I want to be his best friend or as close a friend as possible, but no more than that. I know in my heart that no matter what he does, I'll never be able to truly be his lover again. It's gone. It's been gone since 1997. so now your admitting that it was once there? just want to be clear because you earlier said it was, then said it had never been and are now again saying with certainty that it ended at a certain point so therefore WAS there at one time. So if we are clear on that, I'd like to ask if when you did feel "madly inlove" or "in love" with h, did you think that feeling would ever go away? And if we assume that you did feel that way at one time why can't we assume that with a little bit of effort (even if most is on h's part to begin with (he seems willing to jump through hoops after all) those feelings could come back again. As painful as it is to say that, why is it painful? I know it to be true. I'm sorry. who are you sorry for?
Aquarian,
I want you to know though you may start to think of me as some overly pro marriage pain in the butt, I do understand how you feel...but I also know that things are not always what they seem.
Not that I think it an end all be all marriage saving bullet but I urge you to take a look at the divorce remedy/divorce busting books, even if you only look at what is available on this site. the divorce remedy first chapter
Quote: We watched a movie lastnight, and something struck me afterwards. I cry in almost every romantic story where the man ends up winning the woman's heart. don't we all? aren't we supposed to? isn't that why they call it romance? I've always been a bit sappy that way! I realized lastnight that part of why I cry is because I've never really had that. most of us never really had that..that's why they are called movies and not realities. Michelle has a section called "the media myth" in divorce remedy that discusses some of this. Sure, I thought I had it, but it's hard to imagine that a man who wins your heart would betray you while you're sleeping soundly in the security of his presence. It's also hard to imagine that such a man could vow not to repeat such a betrayal and then do it all over again one week later. the severity of each persons violation depends upon the person viloated. I never thought my h would have an a or leave me..but he did...I'm working at getting over it..but I understand your feelings of his continuing to do it...so the last violation was the last straw? I know many do not agree with my perspective on that, including my own father, but it's still a scar nonetheless and it hasn't healed yet. does the sentimetn "hasn't healed yet." indicate a small ray of hope that you might be able to forgive? provided of course the violation does not ever occur again.
I'm honestly not setting out to make H a monster, even if it appears that way. I married him in spite of this, hoping that time and effort might heal and renew my love for him. I then hoped that having his children would help, not to mention how badly I wanted to be a mom. We'll be married for 6 years this August... if I haven't healed by now, doesn't it just make sense that I won't? doctors often assume that a person who's been in a coma past a certain point will not come out of it...but they do. What I mean is, I don't think it's realistic anymore to hope and try to undo our past. I understand that..so it's easier to undo the future right? Geez, I need to see my therapist... I must sound crazy. I've been around this site long enough and dealt with enough people to know that you don't sound crazy at all. In fact you sound pretty damn normal for someone who's been hurting for a long time and just can't take it anymore. Thing is I don't think you realize the pill (divorce) you are considering taking isn't going to end your pain and infact may only serve to cause you more.
All marriages go through some really dark times. But they don't have to stay there. Heck, some couples have built really good marriages after infedility, so if they can do it, so can the rest of us. It takes forgiveness, and a couple that REALLY wants to work together to create a great marriage. Anyone can do it provided they set their minds to it 150%. It will take time, but never give up hope! Possibly the best part, is the journey you will take together in trying to get there. That is all any of us can ask for, is to make the journey together.
Quote: LL wrote: I'd like to ask if when you did feel "in love" with h, did you think that feeling would ever go away? And if we assume that you did feel that way at one time why can't we assume that with a little bit of effort (even if most is on h's part to begin with (he seems willing to jump through hoops after all) those feelings could come back again. As painful as it is to say that, why is it painful? I know it to be true. I'm sorry. who are you sorry for?
I knew that "in love" feeling would go away. I married him when I had already fallen out of love with him, but I went ahead because I figured it had to be a matter of time before I'd fall back in love. I figured I would heal over time. I was apologizing to my H.
Quote: LL wrote: I understand your feelings of his continuing to do it...so the last violation was the last straw? does the sentiment "hasn't healed yet." indicate a small ray of hope that you might be able to forgive? provided of course the violation does not ever occur again.
He hasn't done it since December and I believe it must have been the last straw. That led me to this web site... looking for hope; looking for support; answers. I "forgave" my H years ago. I would not have married him if I hadn't forgiven him or if I felt that he had intentionally done anything to hurt me. I knew he didn't mean to hurt me, and that is why I chose to overlook and block it out for so many years. That is why it was so easy for me to internalise it and claim it as my problem.
Quote: CeMar wrote: It takes forgiveness, and a couple that REALLY wants to work together to create a great marriage. Anyone can do it provided they set their minds to it 150%.
Agreed CeMar. Problem is, I was working on it 80% and H didn't realize he was only working 45%, or so, until the other day. He hadn't heard my pleas for help. He hadn't heard my love for him. He didn't realize that he was trying to keep me in his pocket and control me. He hadn't heard that he was pushing me away. He thought my lack of libido was something he had to correct with sexual stimulas rather than looking at the big picture, including himself.
I realized lastnight that part of why I cry is because I've never really had that. Sure, I thought I had it, but it's hard to imagine that a man who wins your heart would betray you while you're sleeping soundly in the security of his presence. It's also hard to imagine that such a man could vow not to repeat such a betrayal and then do it all over again one week later. I know many do not agree with my perspective on that, including my own father, but it's still a scar nonetheless and it hasn't healed yet. 