TLEE86. Part III

[Calibri]

I don't know. For some reason the past 2 weeks, Ive been pretty depressed. I don't know what it is or why. I get a feeling of hopelessness and don't want to do anything.

I think you are my male counterpart. For real. So, about two weeks ago -- two weekends straight....I was severely depressed. It was bad. Weekends? I slept. Got up to feed and let the dogs out and went right back to bed and to sleep. I'm started to feeling better -- so I hope that you'll swing that way to. So personal question time. Are you on an AD? If not, would you be willing to look at getting onto one? Mine helped tremendiously.

I want to take time off work, but 1. I don't know if they'll let me 2. I really don't want to tell my boss whats going on especially when Im doing well there and 3. I don't know what I would even do with time off

If I explain the situation, I think I can get some time off. But what would I do? I guess I can go somewhere and get my mind off things..

But I really don't want to explain to my boss whats happening. I don't think Ill get any sympathy (not that I want it) or understanding of whats going on. Plus, I'm actually doing very well at work. I don't want to bring all this extra baggage to the surface. I just don't know anymore. I don't know what its like to be depressed but Im pretty mopey and its hard to force myself to do anything. I miss contact with people, like face to face contact with someone I can talk to about this besides friends on the phone.

Understand completely where you're coming from. Since my BD in September -- I've had to take about 4-5 days off work (not in a row) because it just was just too much to deal with. I've been very candid with my bosses about what's going on -- however, in hindsight, I wish I hadn't been candid as it actually was just thrown back in my face this week. I didn't go to work last Friday due to a horrific migraine. Actually felt really poorly on Thursday and top boss told me to go home if I felt poorly, because I had a busy work week coming up and couldn't be sick. Ended up taking Friday off because I couldn't see from the migraine and was puking from pain. Came in on Monday - and top boss (and this was a total HR violation and has already been discussed) asked what was going on. I explained about migraine and just mentioned that PCP was going to adjust some of my meds because they thought it might be bringing on migraines. Top boss told me point blank that I needed to make the decision if I was going to be divorced or not, get it figured out and pull myself together because I can't be sick in the upcoming months due to a big project going on.

I actually applied a 180 (several actually) and STFU and didn't express my anger right then and there. Later talked to 2nd boss who said top boss expressed that while my work is fine, there's now concern that the physical side effects of stress might be "too much" and now there are concerns if I can actually handle my job and a demotion was brought up. Fan-[censored]-tastic.

So. I would advise NOT telling you boss because you never know how it's going to be received and you never want to put yourself in doubt or your job in jeopardy until it's at a point where your superiors need to know. Just my .02.

If you need a mental health break -- perhaps do a long weekend here or there and go out of town. Camping? Hiking? Get some buddies and do dude things?

Ive got enough people I can talk to on the phone, but it doesn't make the loneliness go away. At all. I know I should force myself to do things, but i just don't have it in my right now to do that.

Ok. I say this with all the respect and good will that I have for you. But, you are hiding in the bat cave dude. I KNOW it [censored]. I did it two weeks ago. And you cannot do this, because isolating yourself will only make it worse. How many times do we have to tell you this? I'm worried about you.

Why do i feel this way these past few weeks?

Because you're tired and run down and feeling defeated.

A number of reasons. First, ever since my W decided not to go to her internship, communication has been pretty limited (limited for whats normal in our current relationship) Why? I don't know.

Ok, I may be in the minority -- but good. And you can be pissed off with that statement all you want. Conversation with your W is bringing you down. You've been mentioning it with several posts. Also, with limited conversation -- she has the opportunity to (hopefully) miss you and not rely on you. Because I believe your conversations are being used by her as a crutch to avoid reality. And honestly? Why would she face reality? She's got your support, love (and money), she's got the dog, she's got a place to stay. She's got whatever she has with the OM/EA, she can just float around under the pretense of "finding herself" (which I believe to some extent she is doing) and there are really no (outright) ramifications to her choices - because she's got support on all sides.

Also, i just keep wondering how long this will take W to make ANY decision, not even one about our M. But she cant even decide whether to work or go to school or anything..its been 5 months and her current plans have evolved into no plans. So she's floundering too.

Armchair psychology moment -- she can't make a decision because she's never had the opportunity to make a decision for herself.

So, she doesn't know how to do it. And in my opinion (my god, I'm full of them today), she'll continue to not make any decisions because a)she doesn't know who the hell she is and b)she doesn't really need to because she's got a roof over her head, food in her stomach, and support from you and her friend.

Yet she can apologize to me and tell me she's sorry I'm going through this??

Oh yes. My H apologizes to me ALL the time about how he's sorry that I'm going through this and it's not his intentions to hurt me. So either he can stop hurting me. Or I can stop putting myself in the position to be hurt. I think you need to start considering the latter.

Part of me wants to just tell her, you left me, you claim you're doing this and that and getting started with your own life, but the truth is, she's not. She never wants to be alone alone, she actually said part of the reason she doesn't want to go anywhere else by herself is because she won't know anyone, she won't have familiar faces. So while she's figuring herself out, she's also playing house with someone else. And his kid, and our dog. So you know what? If she wants to make herself home there, then go [censored] do it. And just leave me the [censored] alone.

So I'm a tough love advocate, and I think you should say something like that to her. But hey - you know, I'm not the model of a healthy relationship right now, so what do I know?

But here's the thing. I think your support and what not is enabling her indecisiveness. You're a fall back plan. She can always go back to you (should she want) because you're keeping the path home paved and smooth (as you should). But (and here comes my proverbial tough love kick to the face -- you've been warned), your W has basically fired you as her H. You're pining away for her. Talking to her. Sending her gifts. Sending her money (I know you told her you wern't going to and what not, but you have been sending her money), supporting her on her "journey". You've morphed from her H to her bff. You keep talking about how your W is amazing and what not, and I have no doubt that she's awesome. But you know what? [censored] that, so are you. And while you should keep the door open for her, should she want to come back, you have to stop putting your life on hold waiting for someone who can't even make a decision for herself. You (and everyone on here) deserve someone who wants to be with you. Who wants to see if it can work. You deserve to be living the life you want. And I know that you want your life with your W. But, right now. SHe doesn't want that. And the sooner you accept it, detach, and move towards the life that you want (knowing that it may not have her in it) the sooner you are going to be in a much healthier place.

I've said it all along, if she walked out on your M. Walked out on you, she doesn't get to get the best parts of you. Does that mean you should just cut her off, and not support her or talk to her? No. But I think you need to treat her like a co-worker or neighbor. Basically -- stop investing the best parts of yourself into someone who (seemingly) doesn't care that you're investing yourself into it.


I'm going to leave you with this quote -- that's been helping me a lot with everything going on in my life. It makes me bohoo everytime I read it, but I find it to be very true. It's from the book "Wild" by Cheryl Strayed.

“There's no way to know what makes one thing happen and not another. What leads to what. What destroys what. What causes what to flourish or die or take another course. But I was pretty certain as I sat there that tonight that if it hadn't been for Eddie, I wouldn't have found myself on the PCT. And though it was true that everything I felt for him sat like a boulder in my throat, this realization made the boulder sit ever so much lighter. He hadn't loved me well in the end, but he'd loved me well when it mattered.”