I don't know if Allen A is around anymore but still reading that thread with OfficerInNeed. Heck that thread is a monster. Something I picked up in there, I need to go back through DR from the beginning and actually have paper and pen out this time. Just something for anyone else on here and I continue to go back and re-read my threads for both reminders and advice so wanted to put that out there for lots of us including me.
I have not temp checked in weeks and I for certain will not be temp. checking any time soon either but would like to chat talk about W for a few minutes and am looking for opinions from vets. It has taken me weeks to understand that I am truly lucky W is still in the home as even a week ago I was trying to figure out if separation was the right move etc.
And I get it took us a long time to get here and therefore will take a marathon to come back. And I have been told multiple times that when W is nice to me like 8 days ago when she was chatty for 45 minutes, it was just to keep my plate spinning.
Soooooooo, what kind of things do I look for while I GAL and 180 etc for me? What would be a "good" sign for a WAW in the dead middle of an affair? IS there even such a thing as a baby step or is it, at least for now, all or nothing as to whether she will leave the affair or not? I keep being me and I need to give that time and I need to come up with some way better consequences slowly without bringing up D...but any advice on....4me, if your wife did this....it would be a good thing....
Thanks Feeling good today, learning a lot about me, learning how I got here and learning that I can potentially effect change solo.
Me:39 W:33 Married 6/07 D6 Found out about affair 9/14
But a more meaningful answer, since it's a very good question and deserves something besides my snark (altho there IS some truth in the snark) . . .
. . . and also because DBing is supposed to be about "doing what works" and we are to try things and monitor the results . . .
I would be looking for:
- your wife treating you kindly and respectfully (notice I didn't say "nice"). Respecting your boundaries, and spewing less often;
- lack of movement AWAY from the marriage. Fewer threats of D, fewer real estate hunts, fewer hours spent away from the family;
- Confusion (and this sort of contracts the first one). Spinning wildly from one emotion to the next, as she begins to question the path she is on;
- all quiet on the intel front.
Those are the things I saw in my wife before she decided to end her affair, and they are pretty consistent with what I've seen in other sitches, too. I'm sure others can add to this, but again -- don't go overboard with the "monitoring" thing. You don't want to lose sight of your own GAL, and hover over your wayward wife. The overall advice I usually give to betrayed spouses is "don't measure 'what works' merely by 'she's being NICE to me.' Rather, watch for demonstrable moves away from OM, and back towards the marriage and the family."
*"nice" is different from "respectful," although they do overlap. If a cheating spouse doesn't react "nicely" in response to you laying out a needed boundary, it doesn't necessarily mean it was the wrong move. In Christian circles, we say sometimes that "the Devil leaves you alone when he knows you're not really DOING anything good!" Same principle.
Unfortunately right now W has not spewed in weeks and weeks. Frankly that is part of our long term problem I will hope to work on with her is I wish she communicated what she wants better and I need to learn to listen better to what she does give me and learn to ask better open ended questions...
Anyway, I get nothing right now. She hardly speaks to me, hardly acknowledges me, in the last week is now leaving in the morning after saying goodbye to D6 and does not even say goodbye to me. Don't know why.. it is what it is but I certainly do not get much of a read on a person that says almost nothing and almost always is gone. The things you say though help as they give me an idea of what to recognize.
Short term, me giving up her laundry etc. has I am sure pushed her buttons so I do not expect her to be pleased about it...and me going out tomorrow night and even using your script on "not knowing when I will be back" will certainly not improve her opinion of me in the short term since I am now essentially taking away a night with her lover for my own enjoyment. But you told me very early in my journey here, the easy way is not the successful way. If it hurts, if it pushes you into new territory....it MIGHT be the right thing.
Me:39 W:33 Married 6/07 D6 Found out about affair 9/14
If you're getting mostly silence and apathy, then the "first things" I would look for would be emotion -- even if it's spew or anger. The ol' "the opposite of love isn't hate, it's apathy" thing.
First she has to give a chit. Remember, when we GAL we are merely LAYING A FOUNDATION. We do the things we needed to do for ourselves ANYWAY, to make ourselves a more attractive partner. The reason we preach PATIENCE so much around here is partly because the physiological reality is that spouses -- when they are wayward -- are almost entirely blocked emotionally to our changes, due to the PEAs washing over their brains.
But . . . when things crash in affair-land, or when some other external event or just internal soul-searching causes them to take a peek? There you want to be, in all of your NEW-AND-IMPROVED glory. When that opportunity comes, you can't THEN go back and do all of the hard work of 180s, GAL, self-improvements, etc. The foundation has to already be there.
4M - IMHO - whilst Starsky kindly posted 'signs' that you may see, it's probably not worth your time or energy watching or wondering about them. That just makes you feel worse, and keeps your focus on W, when it is best kept on you. As Starsky rightly said...and that point is a really important one.
Actually, the more you don't watch and wonder, the better your own life becomes and the stronger place you will be in if and when the A ends (and as you know most do.)
One thing that stayed with me is - I want to make a success of my own life during this tough period. If H and I reconcile, I want to do that from a place of strength and confidence, knowing that I would also be fine alone. That he is truly just the frosting on my cake.
If I've just spent months watching for 'signs' I don't think I'm in that place, because then my life is all about him and I'm still too codependent. For me (and we are S which makes it easier) it helped a lot just to let him go.
How does he feel about OW? IDK Is he still seeing her? IDK Is he flying off to visit her? IDK ...... Believe you me, if the A ends and your W hopes to reconcile, there'll be no missing it.
Last edited by Toots; 02/20/1509:13 PM.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Totally agree with all that, Toots, and I've often thought that MWD's "try/watch/monitor/adjust" advice SOUNDS great, and it of course IS great . . . if one is properly detached! (which, in fairness, she also teaches).
But what if the person is NOT properly detached? I find that often they spend so much time "monitoring" how their walkaway or wayward spouse is reacting to them, that they're not actually out DOING: creating that exciting, passionate, mysterious, busy life that they should be.
It's almost like we'd be more effective if we had some trusted, but disinterested third party watching our situation FOR us, and then letting us know how we're doing! Because when WE monitor it, we get way too enmeshed with our spouse.
