Hi Sandi. Yes I intend on becoming a stronger person, an individual who is not dependant on her for my happiness. Do I still want a M...yes of course. But I intend to work on myself which is required to have any chance at R, but I also intend to become happy with myself and my life regardless of the outcome with my M.
M: 44 W: 45 Married 26 Together 28 D: 22, S: 18, S: 9, D: 7 S: 12/2013, seperate houses OM revealed first 10/2013, stopped seeing him OM revealed 1/2015, been going on for quite some time
So tonight I had dinner with a lady I used to work with that I saw a couple weeks ago at a work bowling event. It was not a date and she is very my senior but we always got along and she is recently divorced and when I saw her at bowling she shared some of her story with me. Tonight was a good night of listening and sharing and talking about things we've learned, steps we are taking to better ourselves, etc... I realized the influence this forum has had on me as I talked to her about setting boundaries, detaching, 180s, codependency, etc... I'm no expert but made me realize I am learning things.
Anyway, it was a good night and therapeutic. Just like in the posts I read on this forum, people have different stories and are at different places in their lives/relationships but there are common themes and talking and understanding you are not alone, and learning from each other has a way of helping heal you.
So I'm off to bed but hope for a good day tomorrow. I always dread the weekend without kids as I don't have any GAL plans beyond going to my nephews bday party tomorrow night. I feel much better when I stay busy...need to work on that.
Last edited by vdubber; 02/20/1505:09 AM.
M: 44 W: 45 Married 26 Together 28 D: 22, S: 18, S: 9, D: 7 S: 12/2013, seperate houses OM revealed first 10/2013, stopped seeing him OM revealed 1/2015, been going on for quite some time
If you're dreading the alone time, maybe you could invest it in coming up with a flexible GAL plan for those weekends you don't have the kids. Could you plan ahead for a few weeks, booking in stuff with friends? Or maybe look at something more regular to link into? I volunteer at a charity bookstore and my 'regular' shift is once a week. But if I have no plans at the weekend, I tend to 'drop in' and do a couple hours for them, which helps me. If you have things like that 'on the go' it can really help those weekends...
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Well then, there you are. Instead of fretting and wishing you knew the outcome of all this........you already do. The outcome is that you will be a better man than you have ever been. As for the future of your M, none of us know about our relationships in the future, which is honestly a blessing when you really stop to think clearly about it.
I have noticed how men want to know the answer, so to speak, before asking the question. When I was in school, guys would have their friends check to see if I would go with him before "he" asked me. In other words, if I said no, he wouldn't bother changing the outcome. No effort whatsoever. If I said yes, he didn't have to fear that all-dreaded "no" and was secure enough to ask me out. Well, it never worked on this girl. I would tell the friend his pal had to ask himself if he wanted to know.
Does any of this make sense to you? You give it your best shot, knowing you will be great either way. The future is not ours to know. As I have grown older, I realize I could have never been able to handle the knowledge of my future. However, day by day, I have dealt with it as it comes.
Make every day count and enjoy the people (who will let you), and don't give up on everything for the few who won't let you. You can't make people love you....and why would you want them, if they didn't love you freely and completely?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks Toots...yes I think I need to do a better job in planning ahead on the GAL activities and look into volunteer opportunities
Thanks Sandi. You are right in that I absolutely have been wanting to look forward and know the outcome. The not knowing is a very difficult thing. I like so many others on here wish I had the DB/DR information years ago and was actually smart enough years ago to realize there were problems and proactively work together on them when I think she would have been willing to do so.
I do intend to be a better man and better person no matter how this turns out and i feel weak to say it but there was a time even a few weeks ago...heck even 2 weeks ago where yes I would have got back with her even if she didn't love me truly and freely. It was anything I could do to have us together. I now know the only way back is through a loving commitment to each other from both of us. I do get sad at knowing she may never feel this way about me again and it confuses me as I just don't understand why and suppose I never will. This is part of me relinquishing control that I never had to begin with.
I'm still dark..NC with the exception of a couple short responses and informing her about taxes. I am still in the "I hope she reaches out to me today" mode, and almost have to slap myself to make sure I don't try to contact her as I very much want to hear from her but I know it wouldn't be helpful right now as she has nothing to say that would make this situation better and it would be a backside for me.
It does feel very strange and lonely to go from seeing and hearing from her via text everyday to darkness. Like part of my life and part of me has suddenly died. I am still grieving and mourning the loss. I do still hope she thinks of me and will someday see me in a loving way again and have desire to work on a R together. But I am trying my hardest to be honest with myself and know that is all out of my hands at this moment and I need to look I the mirror and look inside myself to decide who I want to be...just me.
I hear people say roller coaster all the time and I thought that just referred to the back and forth of interactions with the spouse but now realize it is the emotional roller coaster within yourself as you allow yourself to feel things may get better and then get a dose of reality, then see a small glimmer a d cling onto it only to have it blow up in your face...and over and over again.
I do want to grow old with my W. I do love her with everything I am...haven't found that off switch yet. The most important thing I've done over the last few days is make a decision that I am worth saving. I don't really know well I will do taking those forward steps to discover me and become a better man but I intend to try.
M: 44 W: 45 Married 26 Together 28 D: 22, S: 18, S: 9, D: 7 S: 12/2013, seperate houses OM revealed first 10/2013, stopped seeing him OM revealed 1/2015, been going on for quite some time
I talk a big game and I have the right intentions but I'm very much struggling today with wanting to reach out to her. We were always best friends and she even told my D22 recently that I was her best friend. I know not to believe what she says but struggling with the nothingness that is us right now.
Sorry to rant...just letting it get to me today.
Last edited by vdubber; 02/20/1506:19 PM.
M: 44 W: 45 Married 26 Together 28 D: 22, S: 18, S: 9, D: 7 S: 12/2013, seperate houses OM revealed first 10/2013, stopped seeing him OM revealed 1/2015, been going on for quite some time
i feel weak to say it but there was a time even a few weeks ago...heck even 2 weeks ago where yes I would have got back with her even if she didn't love me truly and freely.
Don't feel weak. It shows you have grown in two weeks. It seems obvious in a lot of posts here on the board that newcomers feel just like you did two weeks ago. But not many will admit they want their S back even if it isn't with love.
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It does feel very strange and lonely to go from seeing and hearing from her via text everyday to darkness. Like part of my life and part of me has suddenly died. I am still grieving and mourning the loss. I do still hope she thinks of me and will someday see me in a loving way again and have desire to work on a R together. But I am trying my hardest to be honest with myself and know that is all out of my hands at this moment and I need to look I the mirror and look inside myself to decide who I want to be...just me.
Even though this is sad, it is also another sign you are growing. From what I have heard people say when they lose a spouse in death (which you've actually described here) it is like losing part of yourself. So I can see how the death of a M would feel much the same way.
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I am still in the "I hope she reaches out to me today" mode, and almost have to slap myself to make sure I don't try to contact her as I very much want to hear from her
It takes time, and you'll do it. You'll be sending us a post that says, "I hope she reaches out to me someday".
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I do want to grow old with my W. I do love her with everything I am...haven't found that off switch yet.
I don't think there is such a switch. Maybe it's one of those that you slowly dim, IDK. If not, then you can you love her from a distance. I don't believe you are required to stop loving her. ((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thank you Sandi. Your words are always encouraging to me and very appreciated.
M: 44 W: 45 Married 26 Together 28 D: 22, S: 18, S: 9, D: 7 S: 12/2013, seperate houses OM revealed first 10/2013, stopped seeing him OM revealed 1/2015, been going on for quite some time
So I wanted to share what has happened since last night. After work I went to my sisters for my nephews bday. I was home by 10:30. This is where it gets strange.
At 1:15am WAW calls me twice. I do not answer. 2nd call leaves a voice mail. No words but it sounded like she was in her car getting pulled over.
2:00am - hear S18 phone ring. He comes in to tell me his mom got pulled over around corner from my place (we currently live about 2.5 blocks apart) and she needed to come in and use the restroom. I thought this very odd. I asked him to please close my bedroom door. I hear him let her in...she asks where's your dad as she says she drove bg earlier and i wasnt home, to which he tells her I'm sleeping and it's 2a.m...that almost made me chuckle. She uses restroom and leaves.
2:15am - she sends me 2 text messages. One saying she tried to call me. 2nd saying she got pulled over for DUI
2:40am - sends me 3 text messages. Saying she wasn't even drinking, they made her take a breath test but had to let her go as she wasn't drinking, that she was on way to store to get medicine for D7 as she had been up multiple times with stomach problems. And that she was so angry for getting pulled over.
I have not responded to any of this and the stopping by 45 minutes after the initial phone calls really seemed strange to me.
I do want to recognize D7 is sick. How do I respond to this? Maybe with "I can imagine getting pulled over was quite stressful. I'm sorry to hear about D7, I hope she is feeling better soon. I am thinking of her".
Is this out of line? I don't want to acknowledge she stopped by as it makes no sense and I think it opens things up for an argument of some sort.
Advice?
M: 44 W: 45 Married 26 Together 28 D: 22, S: 18, S: 9, D: 7 S: 12/2013, seperate houses OM revealed first 10/2013, stopped seeing him OM revealed 1/2015, been going on for quite some time
Hey vdubber, maybe this is a good time to act "mysterious", and don't even acknowledge last night's texts/calls dealing with being pulled over. Instead, perhaps a text to her asking about d7's health, and if there is anything that you can do for your daughter.
Let W think what she will of what you were doing last night. Don't do this maliciously or with a mean-spirit, just deflect any questions by keeping the focus on your daughter.
