train, how are you?

[Train]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!

[Jefe]

Train, something came to mind about 3am this morning. (I still don't sleep much) Understand that I'm not saying this applies to you but it is something I think about.

I have to remember sometimes to not take the infidelity personally. They don't cheat to do it to us, more often that not they cheat without any bit of regard for us at all. Not that that's any better feeling but it's something. They do it as part of an extremely selfish and broken mechanism within themselves. I have to remind myself that it really has little to do with me.

I struggle with this thing too. Hardcore. I have been wasting a bunch of time living in the same thoughts you have been. But like I said before if we move forward choosing to be committed we are going to have to do something else with this stuff. If we move forward choosing to be "justified" we are most certainly going to find ourselves not very committed. At least that's my view of it this morning. I may feel very differently in an hour/day/week/month.

[Train]

I have to remember sometimes to not take the infidelity personally. They don't cheat to do it to us, more often that not they cheat without any bit of regard for us at all ... They do it as part of an extremely selfish and broken mechanism within themselves.

Spot on, Jefe.

But that's precisely what I have trouble with. I can't control H ... or his impulses ... or what's broken about him ... or what his "mechanisms" are.

And I wouldn't WANT to control him. That would make him no different than a robot, and who could fall or stay in love with a robot? Not me!

But the fact that he DID handle two unhappy times in our M by running out and cheating - thinking the grass was greener - makes me terribly nervous going forward. I can't make him "fix" how he responds to unhappiness. I can try to make myself a better, more pleasant, person to be around. I can try to make our M a happier place to be. But who KNOWS what's going to make him unhappy next? Who's to say he won't handle the stress of it by thinking "the grass is greener" somewhere else?

I have to trust that he's learned that the grass isn't greener (perhaps it took him trying twice to figure that out). But trust, as most of us around here can understand, is something I don't have a whole lot of right now.

We're on shaky ground over here. But I think that's what piecing's supposed to look like.

Thank you SO much, Jefe.

[Starsky309]

No, you can't control his base impulses, Train. But you CAN have a great effect on his "wanna," both with carrot ("man, this new Train is NOT someone I wanna lose!") and with stick ("man, this new Train is NOT someone I wanna f%£k with!").

At the end of the day, that's all ANY of us can do.

Starsky

[Train]

Ah-ha, Starsky. The ol' carrots-and-sticks lesson. That's something my spiritual mentor has worked on for several years with me.

Thank you for the valuable reminder, friend. That's good stuff.

[T384]

Train-

Thanks for the update on your life. I hope your D is feeling well

I have no real advice... HeIl I rely on you to help me!!

But thank you for being real and voicing what some of us in this same sitch feel but can't always articulate. I hear you loud and clear and feel you on what you say. I get it.

Keep chugging along. Remember this may be how things are right now but right now isn't forever.

[Jefe]

Remember this may be how things are right now but right now isn't forever.

I needed this today.

[twinmom]

So I ended up getting a assignment at a fine dining restaurant about 30 minutes away... no payment but $200 for dinner & drinks... only catch is have to take a person of the opposite sex... so I ask H if he wants to go with me. First time out out together without kids since BD..... (so almost a year)

And I ended up drunk(had to order 4 drinks, supposed to be 2 each but H doesn't drink so I ended up with all 4) telling H all the reasons why we will never work, almost in tears.... then had to sober up and write a 3 page report, what fun!

What a way to ruin a nice dinner/evening out.... way to go me... NOT!

[Train]

But thank you for being real and voicing what some of us in this same sitch feel but can't always articulate. I hear you loud and clear and feel you on what you say. I get it. Keep chugging along. Remember this may be how things are right now but right now isn't forever.
Sweet T0, thank you so much for this validation, darlin'. And for reminding me that "this, too, shall pass."

The weight is lifting. It occurred to me ... at 3 a.m. TODAY (Feb. 20) that yesterday was the antiversary of BD. Now read that again. Here I thought yesterday was going to be terrible, and I didn't even THINK of BD on Feb. 19!!!

So, yes, I do believe I see a light at the end of the tunnel. (But that suggests, of course, that I'm still in the tunnel.)

What a way to ruin a nice dinner/evening out.... way to go me... NOT!
LOL!!!! I don't mean to laugh, twin, but I am picturing you getting wasted at a fancy restaurant and then just letting it rip!

That gave me a good chuckle.

Honey, I have ruined no less than a dozen dates having unexpected meltdowns the past year. (I'm sure the drinks don't help. But you've earned them!)

I bet that 3-page report is freakin' awesome!!!

[twinmom]

Omg, dealing with a flipping hangover....

Train. I should email you my reports and you can edit them.... I haven't heard from the editor yet telling me my report was full of typos and grammatical errors....

H seems to think the relationship between me and his family is fixable. I don't... even divorcing him I don't see myself wanting to be around his family.