Trying my best...

[Aquarian]

I wrote: I was scared, insecure and impatient. ...His voicemail style ad stated his height, weight, hair colour, etc. and that he was looking for someone to sweep off her feet. I haven't been honest with my H nor myself. I've been living a fantasy; something I thought I wanted and needed. Why waste my H's life and happiness as well as mine? H deserves to meet someone who isn't going through the motions for the sake of saving face, for the kids, for security.

How do you tell your H that you need a little romance to feel special, wanted, needed, longed for? How do you keep telling him after he hasn't heard you? How do you tell him when you're finally at the point where you don't even want it anymore? My first birthday with him, I received a card and a pack of cigarettes. I was in shock. I was in love with him, so I tried to break it to him gently how disappointed I was. He seemed to feel so bad about it that I felt bad for not being happy with what I got and opening my mouth. As far as I can tell, this has been an ongoing pattern that we both have been dealing with over the years. I kept waiting for him to "sweep me off my feet". I would rush right home after work excited to see him and spend the evening together, but I never got the sense that he felt the same way.

I had to ask him to delete his xgirlfriend's and her parents' phone numbers out of his speed dial after living with him for at least a month. I remember feeling jealous and sad when I happened upon an old receipt for a dozen long stemmed roses for his girlfriend's birthday, before we met. I felt like I was second best and that he wished things had worked out between them. I found a photo album which consisted of only photos of her. I asked him if he could throw them away and he did. Then, he asked me to throw away my photos of a past boyfriend and I couldn't even though I agreed that it would only be fair. The difference to me was that my photo album was a timeline of events, not just a boyfriend. His was just of her!

He always assured me that he loved me, but I had doubts in the back of my mind. I certainly wasn't feeling swept. In fact, the only "romance" I received was seemingly when he was horny. I remember telling him when we were dating that sex wasn't everything to me, and he agreed saying he felt the same way. I also remember him pushing for us to have sex and feeling pressured. He told me his feelings get stronger when he's in a sexual relationship. I decided to take my chances and see if his feelings would get stronger, but I don't really remember any significant change. I was the first to say "I love you" and was completely devestated when he couldn't respond... for months.

I fell out of love with him when I was going to a night class just before he proposed. I would go there right after work and wouldn't get home until 11pm. Every night, I'd pray that he'd be up waiting for me... to greet me with a hug and kiss. Every night, I'd get home and he'd be snoring logs in bed. It hurt. I remember wondering how long it would take for him to find out that something had happened to me. Would he be woken by a phone call? Would he find out when he woke up to my not being there in the morning? I felt taken for granted and used.

Enough of the past. That was just the beginning, and it doesn't get much more romantic. Did I have a warped sense of what romance is? I don't think so. Am I needy? I don't think so, I'm quite independent. I married him because I thought I would be foolish to pass on the chance of becoming a wife and mother. I thought time would make him more receptive to my needs and that I would grow to accept him more and more each day. Here we are, about to celebrate 10 years this August, and I'm tired of hoping that tomorrow will be better. I'm tired of having to worry about his feelings. I'm tired of not being myself. I know marriage is work and compromising, I truly do. I just don't want to do it anymore. I was fooling myself to think I could get over the fact that he was disrespecting me and hurting me (mentally) by trying to be sexual with me. I wanted to prove to myself and to him that I could and I think I did a pretty good job of it, but it wasn't making me happy.

SD wrote: Bite the bullet, take Michele's advice and "JUST DO IT". We all love you to bits Aquarian and desperately want you to find your way. Once you are "Just doing it" bring all your worries here and me and the 'dog, CeMar, Dave36, Corri, Tim47 and everyone will be here to help you.

That's what I was doing SD and believe me, I've loved the suggestions, advice and support I've received on here. You've all been so helpful and caring. I truly appreciate every one of you and wish like hell that you reach that happy medium with your spouses.

Tim47 wrote: Do you love H? Does he love you? Do you REALLY think that giving up will solve the problem? Are you SURE there's nothing left to try? Please tell me you're just in a funk!

Yes, I love him and he loves me. Am I in love with him? No. I haven't been for our entire marriage. That's the problem, I don't want to try anything anymore. I never should have gotten married in the first place. I honestly believe that H has a chance to go on and meet someone that will fully love him and want to grow old with him. The thought of us being empty nesters scares the heck out of me. We have little in common. I want him to find someone more compatible. I don't care if I ever meet anyone. I just want to raise my kids the best I can and finally be myself. Is this considered a MLC? I don't think so. This is me being real and standing up for what I think is right. I love my H enough to set him free. I don't love him enough to hold onto him and overcome our obstacles. Bash me if you want to. I can take it.

My H wrote: Well this is the second time that I've posted and I'm having a hard time with this one.

I wrote: My mother always scolded me for masturbating as a child and made a big deal about it. She's got religious/moral issues against it. I ignored her and was just very sneaky growing up. I've always enjoyed masturbating, but while I was LD, I noticed that I didn't feel any urge to masturbate. I'd probably go a few months before it would even enter my mind. Now that I'm "better", I seem to want to masturbate at least *once* every other day... strange huh?

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This post angered him. We had a lengthy discussion about it as he thought I didn't MB. Low and behold he finds out that I do and somehow that's offensive.

I wrote:These last few posts are reminding me of a discussion (argument actually) that my H and I had after he saw my post in this thread. He was upset to learn that I actually masturbate! He had no idea and was hurt that I pleasure myself. I tried to explain to him that I do it for the release, not the orgasm... orgasms are with him. (Oh and I wasn't just saying that! It's true)

He wasn't really comforted by that. I grew up having to secretly masturbate, so naturally it is a private thing for me still. He's upset that I don't want him to watch.

H wrote: My W has a vibrator, she had it before I met her. W's xb gave it to her, so I've known for a while. I guess for me being HD and W was LD/ND for alot of years and to find out from reading it in a post that she would MB rather than ML to me kinda hurt Now that her SD has increased, so has the frequency of her MBing, and that's OK with me and I'm not mad at her for it. I also would enjoy to watch and possibly have it trun into us ML as there is very little variety these days. But even tho, it's her call and if W wants to share that part of her with me then Grreaat! But if not I respect that.

How does me masturbating translate into prefering it to ML especially when I had just spelled out that it's a release and not an "orgasm"? I also told him years ago, that I used the vibrator once and that I prefer my hand. I guess he wasn't listening.

H wrote: Our mariage has been missing something for a long time that both of us seem to be missing (passion, communication, tenderness, quality time together).

This is true. I can't help but think that we never really had these in the beginning though. We didn't even ML on our honeymoon.

HD wrote: You can choose to see everything as a lesson from which to learn. This guy obviously loves you. It took him a lot of courage to come on here and admit who he was. I give him big gobs of credit. In fact, since I am unable to, could you give him a big sloppy kiss from Hairdog?

Yes, it did take courage and I give him credit. I've been giving him credit all along. I told my therapist the other day that I'm tired of not doing the right thing, saying the right thing. I just want to be me.

HD wrote: Pam: Just remember: WWCD. What Would Corri Do?

WWCD? Hard to say. I think she was wiser than me. She probably didn't marry the first guy to propose to her! She probably married for the right reasons; not out of fear of being alone. I can't say what she would do in my shoes.