My father was airborne ranger. I had throwing knives in elementary school and could do better push-ups and pull ups than most men by the time I was 8. He was a good man, but menacing and intense as hell even when sober. His parents always said the army made him this way. We all suffered under a lot of his mid-directed skill sets. Verbal, physical abuse and intimidation.
Not to say this is you. But your W writes as though she felt overpowered and lost trust, self-respect. That's a hard thing to come back from. It might be possible but I think this, over the OM, over her confusion, is the primary issue that keeps her where she is.
I can relate to how you feel about her, also. My H looks like a big and tall model, has a soul that is really very kind and thoughtful as his core. He's intelligent and I'd do anything for him. But he has some serious issues at the same time.
I'm glad to hear you're getting your back up a bit, too. Glad you are drawing lines. She is not any less responsible for what happened, even if you are 1st to make changes!
You asked me how to show it but not give it away. It's a tough balance...especially with the self respect and lines you gotta draw with the OM in your sitch, all while proving you really are addressing the you that wasn't there for her. My gut from far away says maybe you do get a chance to sit across the table and tell her what you acknowledge. And let her see the softer side of you. But hold yourself back in a way that says you are distant too, and don't want to be her emotional H while she is playing house. She's got to FEEL that loss and as long as you're there for her and making this slide away easy, I don't think she gets that opportunity. Looking at you, smelling you, seeing what she loves and respects, seeing hope, but feeling that you're a stranger bc of her actions.
I'm in the middle of being right back in the same hair raising bs with my H that made me scream at him to get the F out months ago. So. One if us can change the dance but I guess ultimately you're going to be confronted with a lot of whatever drive you nuts to begin with.
Just know that you are already better and stronger, more prepared for your next relationship or M.2 no matter what she decides. Big hugs, take care of you. You are worth pursuing and loving. Find your joy in being alive.
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
