Are there any sort of guidelines on how long pullback lasts or is it entirely dependent on the individual?
I think it depends on the individual, the overall health of the relationship, and whether or not there are any significant outside influences. In a healthy marriage? Maybe only a day or two. In wounded relationships, or if anything else is pulling them away? Could easily be longer.
Don't pursue, don't smother . . . but call him out if he is downright sh*tty with you -- cr*p behavior is cr*p behavior.
My guess is that the rollercoaster will continue for YOU until YOU decide to get off.
Basic DB'ing tries to help you get off.
DETACH and GAL.
I understand I make it sound easy and it is NOT.
Thanks, you're right. I felt like I was making progress in detaching while he was on his ski trip last week but now that he's back and we're spending more time together I'm finding it harder to detach. I know I need to though.
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
Are there any sort of guidelines on how long pullback lasts or is it entirely dependent on the individual?
I think it depends on the individual, the overall health of the relationship, and whether or not there are any significant outside influences. In a healthy marriage? Maybe only a day or two. In wounded relationships, or if anything else is pulling them away? Could easily be longer.
Don't pursue, don't smother . . . but call him out if he is downright sh*tty with you -- cr*p behavior is cr*p behavior.
Starsky
Thanks Starsky. Makes sense.
I will call him out on any cr*p. But he's never spewed so far so I'm guessing he will just continue to ignore me/speak minimally.
I'm just not saying much and not initiating any talk. He texted me at lunchtime to say the food was "bloody delicious" and to thank me for the leftovers from what I made last night but otherwise we haven't spoken.
I will be out GALing tonight anyway.
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
You're doing great, Susana! Just keep being your best happy self, let him get a glimpse and come toward you. His pullback isn't anything you caused or can pull him out of - one of these wise vets said something about how he just doesn't know. All you can do is take care of you and let him come to the 'fool' realization if that's going to happen.
Re your tickle fights - we ML (euphuism for the more heated version) a few times during our separation, mostly begun in drunkenness. And then eventually the kissing and emotion started to happen. He wasn't as emotionally divorced as he wanted to be and I count this as a paver in the path back. (Path back to misery currently, but hey.)
The same advice everyone's been beating me over the head with - give yourself some space so you're not hanging on his every word and action. Enjoy your GALing!
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
I have a doc where I save quotes from this forum that particularly speak to me.
I was going through it earlier and I think today when I really need this one:
Originally Posted By: robx
Here's a novel idea.... the WAS that left you because they didn't want to be with you is suddenly spending more time with you, suddenly communicating with you more often, doing things with you, smiling with you, is comfortable with you. Keep doing what you're doing! Don't bring up relationship talk, talks of reconciling, enjoy the moment! Stop worrying about the future, you don't know what tomorrow will bring so stop worry about tomorrow, enjoy today if today is the day your WAS wants to talk with you and share a drink or a meal with you or wants to do something with you & the kids. Be humble and appreciate the time you have with them, don't hasten the process and demand that things have to change and that you need to reconcile at this moment. Consider this a form of dating even if it isn't officially labeled as such. Stop forcing your spouses to have to be with you. If you have to force someone to love you and be with you, do you really want to be with those people? If those same WAS's make moves towards you, to communicate, to spend time with you & your children, to come over, to share a meal, etc. Enjoy that time you have with them, celebrate a success internally with yourself that you were able to accomplish something of such a grand nature when this WAS originally left you and never wanted to interact with you anymore. Stop asking for more, start appreciating what you have and stop believing that you deserve more than what you have - truth be told no one deserves anything, you get what you get in life because you placed yourself on that path to get the results you received. Stop believing you are entitled to something, entitlement breeds resentment and that will lead you down a path of anger & disappointment and poor results.
Rebuild yourself, change yourself for you first. Become a better person for you. Reclaim your individuality. You were an individual before you were a part of this relationship with your WAS. It was your individuality that made you attractive, learn what it is to become you again, enjoy being you, continue pressing forward, personal development is a lifelong process, don't be lazy with yourself, be the best you that you can be.
Originally Posted By: robx
And if you want to truly be "UNIQUE", start by doing things that you normally wouldn't do, start by letting go of the need to control others and realize that you can only control your thoughts & actions. Respect your WAS's decision to leave you, you gave them reason to do so, if you want them back you will need to give them a reason to come back and that doesn't mean calling them and making them feel guilty for their actions. You want the reason they come back to you to be because they want to be with you and you can only promote that kind of feeling in others by making changes in yourself that would allow that kind of environment to exist and know that the changes you make in yourself aren't being done for your spouse, they're being done because you ultimately want to live a great life and you realize how you were living before wasn't great.
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
You're doing great, Susana! Just keep being your best happy self, let him get a glimpse and come toward you. His pullback isn't anything you caused or can pull him out of - one of these wise vets said something about how he just doesn't know. All you can do is take care of you and let him come to the 'fool' realization if that's going to happen.
Re your tickle fights - we ML (euphuism for the more heated version) a few times during our separation, mostly begun in drunkenness. And then eventually the kissing and emotion started to happen. He wasn't as emotionally divorced as he wanted to be and I count this as a paver in the path back. (Path back to misery currently, but hey.)
The same advice everyone's been beating me over the head with - give yourself some space so you're not hanging on his every word and action. Enjoy your GALing!
Hi Z! I've been thinking of you lately. I hope you are doing okay. hugs.
Thanks Zelda. You're right, I can't pull him out of it at all - if anything that would drive him away more. All I can do is be my best self and maybe that will draw him back but who knows.
Ha, yes, the lack of being emotionally divorced sounds familiar. (Sorry about the path of misery - stopping by your thread in a minute).
Thanks. I hope you are planning some GAL for this weekend too!!
At any rate, this situation is a good time for me to practice my patience (skill that needs work!) and letting go/not trying to control outcomes.
I'm trying to approach this from an attitude of curiosity - I wonder what will happen? Hmm, well let's just see. Easier said than done.
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
So I suggested the movie/snacks marathon. He wants to watch battle star galactic which he recently started. I'm not invited because he's already partway through, but that's ok. He said "oh you don't need to" (he always seems to feel bad when I/someone is nice to him)when I suggested the snacks but he had a huge grin on his face and acted like he liked the idea.
I'd suggest that you go ahead and gather up all the snacks. H's nonverbal reaction to your suggestion of snacks spoke volumes! Lay them down the table (or whatever) in his man cave and then smile at H briefly before heading out for mani/pedi. A simple "enjoy your movie!" will suffice when you head out the door.
I'd suggest that you go ahead and gather up all the snacks. H's nonverbal reaction to your suggestion of snacks spoke volumes! Lay them down the table (or whatever) in his man cave and then smile at H briefly before heading out for mani/pedi. A simple "enjoy your movie!" will suffice when you head out the door.
As I guy, let me say that this ^^^^^ is soooooooooooooooo attractive!! If I were single and my girlfriend ever did that for me, it would be the day that I decided "Damn, I need to MARRY that girl!"
I'd suggest that you go ahead and gather up all the snacks. H's nonverbal reaction to your suggestion of snacks spoke volumes! Lay them down the table (or whatever) in his man cave and then smile at H briefly before heading out for mani/pedi. A simple "enjoy your movie!" will suffice when you head out the door.
As I guy, let me say that this ^^^^^ is soooooooooooooooo attractive!! If I were single and my girlfriend ever did that for me, it would be the day that I decided "Damn, I need to MARRY that girl!"
Starsky
I'd have added a nice bourbon just for you, Starsky. Alas...you're married to the fetching Mrs. Starsky.
