Things have continued to go very, very well over the past few weeks. We spent Valentine's Day together, and we went out for dinner another night this week to celebrate the anniversary of our first date (which I suppose means that I need to update my signature, since we've now been "together" for 14 years). I have been STFU for the most part, and I've definitely noticed a postive impact on the R. We've had a couple of little bumps over the past few weeks but instead of the conversations taking hours they've been over in 20 minutes, with lots of good listening and responsiveness and appreciation on both our parts.
As an example--
Yesterday, I had to call H to talk abt our schedules. I asked if he was free on Friday and he said he had plans, but he would like us to get together on Saturday or Sunday instead. After we hung up, I realized that I was bothered by the fact that he didn't tell me what his plans were. So, I called back and said, "I'm going to be silly for a moment, but I hope you'll indulge me. It made me nervous when you said you had plans on Friday but didn't tell me what they were."
He said, "I'm sorry, I didn't know it would upset you. I wasn't try to withhold anything from you. I'm going out for drinks with So and So from work."
I asked him a couple of questions about it, and he answered them. Then he said, "I feel controlled when you ask me those questions, like you are judging what I'm doing or implying that I shouldn't go. I should be able to go out with my friends sometimes and not feel bad about it."
I said, "I'm sorry you feel controlled. I definitely agree that you should be able to go out with your friends, and I hope you have a good time tomorrow night. I have a vision for us, which is that we share our plans with each other, and we are not threatened by each other's plans." I then brought up some examples from the past where I felt like we did this well.
("I have a vision" is language from the MC. H uses it a lot when he wants to get my attention, so I thought I'd try it too and I think it worked.)
He said, "I have that vision too. Can I say one more thing, though? I feel like there's a little bit of a double standard. Back in the summer and early fall, there were a few times when you had plans and you didn't tell me what they were."
I said, "I can see why that would feel like a double standard. I definitely remember what you are talking about and I am happy to tell you now what I was doing then. At the time, I thought I was following your lead and keep some things to myself, but I think we're in a different place now, and I want to foster a sense of openness between us."
He said, "Ok, I understand."
I said, "Thank you for this conversation. I can tell you are really trying to listen and consider my perspective, and I appreciate that."
He said, "I feel the same way. The lack of conflict recently has really helped."
I ended the call and we both said I love you at exactly the same time.
Later in the day he called back. I picked up the phone and said, without thinking, "What's wrong?" I don't get many phone calls from H in the middle of the day. H said, "Nothing is wrong. I just wanted to let you know that I was sorry about making you nervous this morning and to let you know that it is okay that you brought it up. I didn't want you to spend the whole day worrying about it." I said something like, "That's so nice, you didn't have to do that,"and he said, "You told me once that you liked to be reassured after the conversation was over that you hadn't upset the balance, so I'm letting you know." I thanked him for listening and for calling.
Later in the evening he dropped off D7. He looked at me and said, "Are you ok?" and held up his hand for me to clasp. I said yes and asked if he was ok too and he said yes.
Am really appreciating his thoughtfulness/attention to my needs of late . . .
