Quote: I wrote: I admit, when our R was "new" I masked my hangups so I guess you could call me a bait and switch.
When I met my H, I was at a low point in my life... as silly as that may sound considering I was only 21 at the time! Every relationship I'd been in went bad and I was afraid that I'd never meet the man of my dreams. I was scared, insecure and impatient. I wanted to be married before having children and I wanted to have my children before I turned thirty. I'm a bit of a plan freak, I like to map out my life to a fault. I'm begining to realize that I need to chill out and just live like everyone else. It must be part of being a survivor of sexual abuse.
I met my H through a telephone dating service. We both had ads in the singles looking for a monogamous relationship section and we instantly clicked when we first spoke. His voicemail style ad stated his height, weight, hair colour, etc. and that he was looking for someone to sweep off her feet. I couldn't resist that and left a message. We moved in together three months later and have been monogamous since. He proposed 2 years later and we got married 1.5 years after that. We had our first child two years later and then another two years later, our last child. Sounds perfect.
I never realized until about a month ago that I was kidding myself. I haven't been honest with my H nor myself. I've been living a fantasy; something I thought I wanted and needed. I'm now at the point where I'm ready to really wake up and get real. Why waste my H's life and happiness as well as mine? I've been selfish, controlling and dishonest for the past ten years. I don't want to go on for another ten, twenty, whatever. H deserves to meet someone who isn't going through the motions for the sake of saving face, for the kids, for security. I've been living in "quiet desperation" and trying to keep the peace as much as possible.
Following some of the threads on here has been heart breaking. Dave36 strikes me as such a loveable guy, but his latest posts have made me step back and really look at myself.
Quote: Dave36 wrote: I'm now asking myself a very hard question...why do I love someone I'm completely opposite of. I set goals and achieve them. She has never set a goal, but whines about not achieving anything. Her kindness and niceness have made up for all of these things. She runs the house better than anyone I've ever met and she's a great mother. I should consider myself lucky for these good things...but I would trade most of these attributes in for a passionate love-life. At this point it is strictly out of duty as a father, peer pressure, fear of the uncertainty, guilt, lack of money to afford a D. In the WAW examples, the W nags, then stops, then the H thinks everything is great...then bam, the W leaves. I'm seeing this possibility because I think my "effort" is essentially the same as "nagging" because she is interpreting it as "pressure" to do something.
This aspect is killing me...I'm trying to reconnect with W only to find out that she's not someone I should be interested in.
This effort might have been a mistake. ...now I just want to unleash a holy hailstorm of angry words in her direction and have her feel the pain inside me.
I still just cant understand why a person wouldn't want more of that "tingly" feeling you get when you kiss and touch each other. Why deny it. What the F! Are you just plain stupid?
I'm sorry to be such a bummer on here when I was trying so hard to be a good wife, but I just can't do it. I give up.
