Seperated, she is with someone - I'm desperate (2)

[vdubber]

Thanks Toots...yes I think I need to do a better job in planning ahead on the GAL activities and look into volunteer opportunities

Thanks Sandi. You are right in that I absolutely have been wanting to look forward and know the outcome. The not knowing is a very difficult thing. I like so many others on here wish I had the DB/DR information years ago and was actually smart enough years ago to realize there were problems and proactively work together on them when I think she would have been willing to do so.

I do intend to be a better man and better person no matter how this turns out and i feel weak to say it but there was a time even a few weeks ago...heck even 2 weeks ago where yes I would have got back with her even if she didn't love me truly and freely. It was anything I could do to have us together. I now know the only way back is through a loving commitment to each other from both of us. I do get sad at knowing she may never feel this way about me again and it confuses me as I just don't understand why and suppose I never will. This is part of me relinquishing control that I never had to begin with.

I'm still dark..NC with the exception of a couple short responses and informing her about taxes. I am still in the "I hope she reaches out to me today" mode, and almost have to slap myself to make sure I don't try to contact her as I very much want to hear from her but I know it wouldn't be helpful right now as she has nothing to say that would make this situation better and it would be a backside for me.

It does feel very strange and lonely to go from seeing and hearing from her via text everyday to darkness. Like part of my life and part of me has suddenly died. I am still grieving and mourning the loss. I do still hope she thinks of me and will someday see me in a loving way again and have desire to work on a R together. But I am trying my hardest to be honest with myself and know that is all out of my hands at this moment and I need to look I the mirror and look inside myself to decide who I want to be...just me.

I hear people say roller coaster all the time and I thought that just referred to the back and forth of interactions with the spouse but now realize it is the emotional roller coaster within yourself as you allow yourself to feel things may get better and then get a dose of reality, then see a small glimmer a d cling onto it only to have it blow up in your face...and over and over again.

I do want to grow old with my W. I do love her with everything I am...haven't found that off switch yet. The most important thing I've done over the last few days is make a decision that I am worth saving. I don't really know well I will do taking those forward steps to discover me and become a better man but I intend to try.