Gogofo - Learning to go dark

[gogofo]

So here is where I sit. The D papers are in their last iteration. I am not as upset about the papers as I thought I would be. I will be D soon. My STBXW says she is open to dating me again.

Last night after going through the agreement we had a snack and talked about her trip out of town and shared a nice evening together. The tension I felt, or more accurately created, between us seems to be gone. We ended with her feet on my lap.

I had my walk through on my house I am going to by yesterday and it was good. I like the house, not the neighborhood, but the house should be great. I know I can make it a wonderful home.

Sandi had asked above what we can do to help me, I know what it is.

I need to do the work to become a better person and grow and detach and not be so dependent on my W’s feelings etc. I know the interactions I am having with my W right now are helping me feel upbeat, but I want to feel upbeat and get the passion back into my life.

I want to get Gogofo back. If I get him back, then I know I can have a happy, fulfilling life. Maybe the STBXW will be a part of it, maybe not. That remains to be seen. I need to work on me and light the fire under my ass. As far as possible R with her, that will have to be low and slow, like a good BBQ.

I watched the movie “Chef” the other night and it excited me and got me inspired. I need to embrace my passions again. The W has been telling me this for a while.

My passion needs not to be the R between her and I. That was my passion the last year and it killed me and us.

Once out of the house I it will be easier to detach more and work at GAL activities.

Now to building the better me, any and all advice, 2x4s and inspiration is welcome.

[Barrybran]

Well that's a turn of events. It's all a bit out of my league but I agree that you need to do what you can to detach from your wife as well as doing what you can to reignite your passion for life.

[Sotto]

"I will be D soon. My STBXW says she is open to dating me again."

GOSH! What do you make of that turn of events Gogofo? Sounds like you may need some vet advice I agree. Could be that 'facing the end' or 'no pressure' has led your W to see you in a different way.

Pleased for you though....

[gogofo]

What I make of it is that she needed an end to what was going on between us. The limbo of trying to "fix" the M was killing her. Now that the M has/will be ended that wipes the slate clean. We could possibly have a new start to a R without all of the pressure of fixing things.

This also guarantees that I will not be trying to come back to us living together. I was terrible at slowing down and not pushing the pace. This way I am in my own place with my own bills, etc, and we are not trying to sell a house and figure out what happens next.

I know she wants pursued and valued and appreciated. She said we were doing better apart, she was right. She also wants me to find myself and not be so worried about "us" right now.

This D will probably put us in a different mental state. I was scared to open my mouth and vocalize things when trying to reconcile. This did not help the situation. I operated with this feeling that if I messed up or angered her she would not want to try to reconcile.

We are both interacting differently and more freely, there seems to be a weight off of both of our shoulders.

She still seems has feelings for me, more than just a "friend" feeling. I don't know two friends who hug the way we hug when we break down the barrier between us. It is a very tight embrace that lasts longer than a normal hug and is tighter than a normal hug.

In the end this is all mind reading and speculation and things I have no control over. It seems to be a weird situation, not unique, just weird for me.

I do need some more advice and need to work on building myself. I am more excited than I have been to get into my house. Should be a good beginning to the next chapter in my life.

[Zelda09]

Hi Gogofo, thanks for stopping by my thread. I've been catching up on yours a bit.

Sounds like you've been through it with the piecing. Wow, what a journey. Your poor hearts have been through it.

Something occurred to me for whatever it may be worth in the future - the dates your W said you tried - my H believed the important things to our R are little, consistent, foundational. He's right but I'd say he never 'tries' either in the big romantic, sweep me off my feet sense. If you heard of Love languages, this can be very powerful for some of us. I planned a birthday weekend for my H years ago where I flew him back home (cleared day off with his employer, bought tickets, alerted friends so they could get a party going) all without him knowing until we got to airport. That's the kind of thoughtfulness that makes a lot of us feel worthy. I get aggravated sometimes that he would 'phone it in' and not put more effort into special days for me. His low key-ness is gorgeous in most senses except this one, for me. Worthiness shouldn't be attached to this stuff, but we can't help what we prefer. Idk if this helps explain 'trying' in another light that may be useful to you?

Q: did you ever work with a MC in the past as you were piecing?

[gogofo]

Q: did you ever work with a MC in the past as you were piecing?

Quick answer, no. We both said we didn't need it at different times. I will get more detailed later.

Quick update. This last week has been crazy busy. Spent all last weekend, both days, and yesterday moving what was left at our old home into trailers. I am way tired and sore, I don't know why I have so much stuff.

Last Thursday I signed the D papers.
Sunday W and I had another heart to heart.
Today we sign the papers on selling the house. Tomorrow is XW b-day. Friday is my g-ma's b-day and I sign the papers to buy my house. Saturday I start to move in and have a b-day party for my g-ma.

Really busy, but that is okay. I will have a full update later when I have time. Today I have to train my employees all day.

Last night W had a meeting and I was listening to music and being all happy and dancing around the house, even though I was exhausted. The new Black Keys album Turn Blue is great breakup/heart break music. W had to do homework, but I was having fun and enjoying myself. As Train has been saying, I am showing her what she will be missing. More on this later.

But at the end of the night she may have been a little overwhelmed. Oh well, I was light and breezy.

Too bad she thinks she needed to be D'd from me, her loss!

[gogofo]

Super GAL from Friday to Monday night. Spent many hours loading up all that was left at the old house into trailers. Friday night went out with one friend for dinner then met my parents down at the VFW for a couple of beers. My dad found a book on the 199th Light Infantry Brigade that he was in so I ordered it and am excited to read it. Saturday I went out with another friend who is a single dad for some dinner.

The W had ski class on Saturday so when she came to the house on Sunday she was upset and overwhelmed at the amount of work left. She was passed. I told her, yeah this is overwhelming isn't it. She then spewed in stress about me not asking for help, etc, but I just let it roll off my back. We knocked out most of it that day.

Sunday night she cooked a steak dinner and we cuddled with the kids on the couch. Later we were talking and the talk migrated back to R talks.

She said she is excited to see me function on my own. She wants to watch me do the bills, etc because she always did those types of things and felt taken advantage of.

She wants to see what the house will be decorated like because she said I was good at shooting down her ideas.

She said she knows I won't fail, because I don't fail. She said I am a good supervisor and said that is how she felt I treated her in the M, like her supervisor.

She said that the M was okay or decent but she doesn't want to settle for okay or decent, she wants more. She felt she sees a lot of mediocre marriages and didn't want to have a long term marriage like that.

She said I was doing the same thing I have in the past with buying the house. I am getting something that is almost at the edge of what I can afford. I sold three vehicles for down payment money for the house and she said I am ridiculous because I could've had a lesser house and kept the vehicles. I don't share her opinion because I wanted to be rid of them because I lost my passion for working on them. I needed a life change and they were mentally and physically burdensome.

She talked about her feelings for me and how she is still open to the idea of dating me. She does still care about me but is still upset about our R. She didn't like the way I treated her. She felt controlled and belittled but knows it was not on purpose. She said if she felt it was on purpose she would have left long before. She is also upset that she let me treat her that way and that she didn't voice her feelings or opinions more. She said she is not a hateful person and she wants to get over her anger.

We talked about the bad timing of selling the house and trying to move forward during a time when we were not ready. We talked about how we were better living apart.

She also talked about feeling that I wasn't present in understanding and appreciating all she did for us and the kids and the house. Things like if she didn't buy the kids clothes that I would not have noticed and that she paid for Xmas all on her own and I didn't ask or notice. Not quite the truth but definitely how she felt and views the past. She has previously said we started as equals in the M but when we grew she did more and I didn't.

Monday I took the day off and did the rest of the house stuff. The XW (I need to get used to this) spent the day with me and we team worked the rest of it. She went to work and I got the kids.

I ended the day in a super good mood. She came home and I was dancing to music and the kids were happy. I was listening to the Black Keys, who we saw in November and had a great time. I had thawed some Spanish style Chorizo that I made and we had it for dinner. She loves them and remind her of her family's home in Spain, but has admitted she likes mine better.

She offered to make a burrata, fruit, basil and honey dessert when she was done with homework.

She was teasing me that my rent fee was half of my chorizo and pancetta and bacon, and that she is entitled to my future production too. I just smiled and laughed.

She had to finish homework and was stressed so I just relaxed and danced around enjoying my wine and the kids. Put them to bed and then took a shower. I made sure to scrub up well and smell great when I got out.

I then just laid down on the couch and read. She made the dessert and I poured some wine and we chatted while on the couch. She looked a little wore out and stressed but I remained light and breezy. When I left the room she quickly drank the last of her wine and told me she was going to bed. She did this in a hurry which was unusual for her, like she wanted to get away quickly. My mind reading would be that she may have been upset by my upbeat and happy mood when she was feeling stress.

[gogofo]

So I have been trying to remain upbeat and happy around her. Want her to see what she will be missing. I also need to separate my feelings and trying not to read more into the situations we spend together.

I know I am still attached. This is obvious in the fact that I get some peace and hope of the fact of possibly dating her again. I know I need to work on this because my heart wants to take her out on a date the first weekend in March. So let me have the 2x4s about this one because I best get messages this way.

Our interactions together have changed too. We signed off on the house today and went for a little ride and had dinner as a family after. I wouldn't say we are flirting but we have been teasing each other with funny honest slightly mean statements. We used to do this previously in our R when we were good.

This also is an issue for me in reading too much into these interactions.

I know what I haven't done is try to push the situations or her like I had in the past.

Tomorrow is her birthday and I am not invited to attend her family dinner. Doesn't hurt, but just seems awkward. I may have to go to dinner with a friend.

Now you can slap me around but I have earrings that I planned on giving her for her birthday that I bought before Xmas. I think I am going to give them to her by leaving them in her room with a note. Something along the line of "I had these for your birthday and I still want you to have them." No pressure, no anticipated reaction. I really do want her to have them and don't expect anything to change or for her to even address it.

I plan on laying low the next couple of days and pull back since she has seen enough of me for a while and we have been having good interactions.

[gogofo]

Reading some advice on other people's situations, this is where I need to do a lot of detachment work:

* Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring, without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing, demanding or controlling.

I do care about her, but need to separate this emotion from my Mr. Fix-it mentality. I have not wanted to try and help her recently, but I still find myself wanting to fix the situation.

[LITB]

I know I am still attached. This is obvious in the fact that I get some peace and hope of the fact of possibly dating her again. I know I need to work on this because my heart wants to take her out on a date the first weekend in March. So let me have the 2x4s about this one because I best get messages this way.

You know it is more effective to have the cart behind the horse?

Now you can slap me around but I have earrings that I planned on giving her for her birthday that I bought before Xmas. I think I am going to give them to her by leaving them in her room with a note. Something along the line of "I had these for your birthday and I still want you to have them." No pressure, no anticipated reaction. I really do want her to have them and don't expect anything to change or for her to even address it.

Why would we slap you around? You already know not to give them to her, yet you justify your actions.

My BS meter went off when I read "No pressure, no anticipated reaction. I really do want her to have them and don't expect anything to change or for her to even address it."

You really need to be honest with yourself Gogofo. The longer you remain on this path, the slower the process. You have setup camp in the land of attachment, and expectations, even though you have the map to get out.

If you prefer, I can hit you with a 4x4 or driver to get you to the land of detachment and no expectations.

Seriously, think about this. If/When you are calculating every interaction with your W, you are attached. When you begin doing things naturally, then the change is genuine. Not a whole lot of thought needs to go into your actions. True, and genuine change. It's a process.