Susana (4) - Do you have to be confusin'?

[gogofo]

Thanks too for the suggestion on fixing something!
He's actually been saying he was going to fix the kitchen cabinets but hasn't yet, I wasn't going to bring it up though because I was worried it might come across as nagging or that you are trying to replace him.

Any suggestions on phrasing to make it seem not like nagging?

One of the suggestions from a book I read was to grab the tools and start doing the work. Your husband will then feel a little panic and pitch in. This would work for me, not sure about your situation though. With him pulling back it may feel like nagging. Another suggestion would be to ask his opinion on what may be wrong with the cabinet. It could be rough waters to cross right now though.

I was more suggesting to try and include him in the snack preparation. It sounds like he loves to cook so that is even better. My W and I have a strong bond over food and find most of the times we have a great rapport is over food or wine. We had one last night, after going over the D papers (yeah weird situation).

My suggestion was about possibly tapping into his Mr. Fix-it tendencies to boost his ego.

I know I would jump at the occasion to help my W open a bottle of wine if I heard her muttering "this stupid wine opener is giving me fits, ugggh!" I would feel manly that I got to pitch in and I got a glass of wine.

[susana4]

The lump of coal speaks...well, makes noises!

When I told him I was going to bed he actually just grunted at me. Lol!

I realised I never just let him go to his cave before because I didn't know what was going on so it freaked me out and I'd just keep asking him what was wrong.

Now that I understand I actually just find it hilarious.

[susana4]

Thanks too for the suggestion on fixing something!
He's actually been saying he was going to fix the kitchen cabinets but hasn't yet, I wasn't going to bring it up though because I was worried it might come across as nagging or that you are trying to replace him.

Any suggestions on phrasing to make it seem not like nagging?

One of the suggestions from a book I read was to grab the tools and start doing the work. Your husband will then feel a little panic and pitch in. This would work for me, not sure about your situation though. With him pulling back it may feel like nagging. Another suggestion would be to ask his opinion on what may be wrong with the cabinet. It could be rough waters to cross right now though.

I was more suggesting to try and include him in the snack preparation. It sounds like he loves to cook so that is even better. My W and I have a strong bond over food and find most of the times we have a great rapport is over food or wine. We had one last night, after going over the D papers (yeah weird situation).

My suggestion was about possibly tapping into his Mr. Fix-it tendencies to boost his ego.

I know I would jump at the occasion to help my W open a bottle of wine if I heard her muttering "this stupid wine opener is giving me fits, ugggh!" I would feel manly that I got to pitch in and I got a glass of wine.

Thanks Gogofo, that makes sense. I could see how starting to work on it would make him jump in although yes, given that he's in pulling back mode, might not be the best timing.

The cabinet will survive (well sort of, the bottoms fallen halfway out of the drawer lol). So I think I'll just leave it until he comes out of pull back mode and starts coming back towards me (assuming he does).

That's not a bad idea, I'm sure I could accidentally pick out a difficult to open wine bottle really though, H loves a good glass of wine.

[Starsky309]

The lump of coal speaks...well, makes noises!

When I told him I was going to bed he actually just grunted at me. Lol!

I realised I never just let him go to his cave before because I didn't know what was going on so it freaked me out and I'd just keep asking him what was wrong.

Now that I understand I actually just find it hilarious.

Have you read "Men Are From Mars, Women are From Venus?" It's a classic, and really nails the male dynamic. I'm pretty sure that's where I learned about the "rubber band" thing.

Starsky

[Complex]

Hey Susana. Missed some of the sutch but I caught up. Guess we are not DB brother and sister anymore haha. But I'm happy for you your sitch is going into the right direction. You can call yourself lucky you started that early and you are s great persistent smart lady.
But of course it's far from being over. Don't attach yourself too much. It's so hard to keep detavhing when things go like in your sitch. Please focus tho. You don't want your heart to be broken more than once. It happened to me.
There will be a lot more coming up and there's a lot more to it for him to really commit to your M. And that's the only thing you can accept in the end.
And life is long, so is M

[Sotto]

Hi Susana

Sorry he's having a pullback, but it's good to know it happens and expect /accept it after you've had a positive interaction like the comedy night. When it happens, I think the thing to do is go happily about your own business and leave him to it. Let him go to his cave, don't ask what's wrong etc. Otherwise, it may be pressure.

Yes, for the weekend, I'd be tempted to get my tools out and have a go at the easier parts of the cabinet. I'd also be tempted to have at least a GAL plan of my own arranged. And alongside that, I like the movies/snax ideas maybe for one of the days.

And no expectations, you may broach that idea and he may or may not like it. If he likes it - fine. If he doesn't, you can maybe shrug and happily go off and do something yourself. Just another thought....do you think it's worth taking a more cautious/friendly approach on any 'dates' just now? Wearing a lovely red dress and having 'tickle fights' may be a little more than he can handle and leads to pullback afterwards. IDK - and I'm certainly no vet.....but just a thought.

Hope you have a lovely weekend Susana - whatever you end up doing! :-)

[susana4]

The lump of coal speaks...well, makes noises!

When I told him I was going to bed he actually just grunted at me. Lol!

I realised I never just let him go to his cave before because I didn't know what was going on so it freaked me out and I'd just keep asking him what was wrong.

Now that I understand I actually just find it hilarious.

Have you read "Men Are From Mars, Women are From Venus?" It's a classic, and really nails the male dynamic. I'm pretty sure that's where I learned about the "rubber band" thing.

Starsky

Yeah, I read it a couple of weeks ago and spent the whole time going "ohhh I get it now".
Wish I'd read it a long time ago!

Are there any sort of guidelines on how long pullback lasts or is it entirely dependent on the individual?

H still seems to be in pull back state this morning.

I was feeling really nauseous this morning (side effects of ADs) and when H noticed I looked unwell he sat down next to me on the bed and gave me a long hug and stroked my hair. But apart from that, he barely looked at or spoke to me all morning. I just left him alone and didn't say much.

[susana4]

Hey Susana. Missed some of the sutch but I caught up. Guess we are not DB brother and sister anymore haha. But I'm happy for you your sitch is going into the right direction. You can call yourself lucky you started that early and you are s great persistent smart lady.
But of course it's far from being over. Don't attach yourself too much. It's so hard to keep detavhing when things go like in your sitch. Please focus tho. You don't want your heart to be broken more than once. It happened to me.
There will be a lot more coming up and there's a lot more to it for him to really commit to your M. And that's the only thing you can accept in the end.
And life is long, so is M

Thanks Complex. I'm definitely not out of the woods yet. In fact, I feel like I don't even really know what direction my sitch is heading.

Trying to have no expectations, although it's hard. And continue to detach as you said.

I'm sure there's more roller coaster to come!

[susana4]

Hi Susana

Sorry he's having a pullback, but it's good to know it happens and expect /accept it after you've had a positive interaction like the comedy night. When it happens, I think the thing to do is go happily about your own business and leave him to it. Let him go to his cave, don't ask what's wrong etc. Otherwise, it may be pressure.

Yes, for the weekend, I'd be tempted to get my tools out and have a go at the easier parts of the cabinet. I'd also be tempted to have at least a GAL plan of my own arranged. And alongside that, I like the movies/snax ideas maybe for one of the days.

And no expectations, you may broach that idea and he may or may not like it. If he likes it - fine. If he doesn't, you can maybe shrug and happily go off and do something yourself. Just another thought....do you think it's worth taking a more cautious/friendly approach on any 'dates' just now? Wearing a lovely red dress and having 'tickle fights' may be a little more than he can handle and leads to pullback afterwards. IDK - and I'm certainly no vet.....but just a thought.

Hope you have a lovely weekend Susana - whatever you end up doing! :-)

Thanks Toots!

So I suggested the movie/snacks marathon. He wants to watch battle star galactic which he recently started. I'm not invited because he's already partway through, but that's ok.
He said "oh you don't need to" (he always seems to feel bad when I/someone is nice to him)when I suggested the snacks but he had a huge grin on his face and acted like he liked the idea.

Pull back seems to continue this morning so I am making GAL plans for tomorrow.

Hmm yes good point on the dress and tickle fight.
I'd be interested in getting a vets advice here?

For now (as per my DB coaches suggestion) not suggesting any more dates/activities, waiting to see if he does. Of course, he's on pullback mode so don't think he'll be suggesting anything.

[susana4]

GAL plans lining up now.

Tonight: talk (on forgiveness) - signed up awhile back and forgot about it till I saw on my calendar today!
Tomorrow a.m belly dancing class. P.m. Might go to hospital to visit a friend (or Sunday) evening: I'm on a waiting list for Meetup but don't think I'll get in
Sunday a.m. Yoga class (might invite H depending on how I feel/atmosphere)
Monday: dinner with a friend after work and seeing his new flat

Feeling a little rattled this morning by H pullback. Although I expected it, I don't know how long it will continue.