wife during deployment EA/PA Part 3

[Train]

Starsky, What about the the NC that is out on the guy. should i drop that when i let her go? or should i leave the NC up. on one side i feel the NC was tough love but on the other i feel like it has also helped drag the imagination of a fairy tail relationship she thinks she will with him, farther then if they would have just been able to see each other all the time, if i would have just let go of her months ago! i would be farther along in my GAL and building a stronger better me, and for them sooner or later as train said the warts would start to appear!

Rysin, I can't speak for Starsky. But I'll tell you what I think: You have to thread the needle here, buddy, between giving W rope and respecting yourself and your marriage.

As for the NC orders ...

Starsky and I have told you how we handled "exposure" (similar to how you have). When Starsky's W returned to their M, she thanked him for fighting for their M. Likewise, when my H returned to our M, he thanked me for fighting for our M.

(What I'm about to write is likely considered a "thread hijack" because it's more about my own experiences than it is about your sitch. It's also not, by definition, "DBing," but I define "DBing" as mostly: Do what works. And for me? It worked. Anyway, I hope you're able to pull it all together to understand WHY I'm writing about my sitch here):

Make no mistake about it: The "fight" in me - the one H eventually thanked me for - did NOT make H happy AT ALL while he was wayward. In fact, he once literally said to me: "I'll be nice to you if you stop 'going after' OW."

What did he mean by "going after"? Well ....

I contacted her boss because the A started - and was carried out - where she worked ... at a grocery store. I called her boss to ask if the store had a policy about employees handing out their personal phone numbers to grocery shoppers.

Yes, yes I did. And, no, I don't regret it.

The night I found out H had paid $120 for a hotel room for himself and OW? I took the cheapest, most redneck, airbrushed flowers ... and the cheesiest card (signed: "love, your wife") ... I could find to the hotel check-in desk and told the person manning that desk that I was a matchmaker and had matched (insert H's name, who had paid for the hotel room) with the lady he would be entertaining in his room that night. I told the "concierge" that I wanted to surprise the "happy couple" with cheerful flowers and a card for "their first night together as a couple."

At the very moment they were checking in at the hotel and being greeted by a bouquet of redneck, spray-painted flowers and a thoughtful (actually gawd-awful) "love-boat-themed" greeting card, I was at OW's H's house, handing him a folder, at least an inch thick, of cell phone records and text messages I had copied from H's phone while he had been sleeping while still in our home the week before.

I'm not proud of what I felt I had to do to bust my H's A. But I'm not proud of how he walked out on our M and family for a triflin' ho, either. I'd personally rather my so-called then-M go down in flames than for me to feel like I was being trampled on and disrespected so horribly while I sat idly by and "stood" for such a sham of a relationship and M. (Note: That's not to say I don't respect people who CAN and DO "stand.")

I just know that life is short. And there's abundant happiness out here. God Himself gives us a "free pass" to end a M because of infidelity. I have to believe that's because even God knows how difficult it is to bounce back from this sort of Hell-on-Earth.

Why did I just "diarrhea" on your thread about all of that?

Because you asked about whether we think you should drop the charges against OM.

I'm only speaking for myself when I say: HELL NO, you shouldn't.

When I look forward in your sitch - and when I think about you reconciling with your W - I don't see her respecting you if you bow-down to her whiny little demands to "leave OM alone" while she's wayward and CHEATING ON YOU with him.

Here's the easiest way for me to put it:

1. Think forward to a time when you two are back together and she's madly in love with you again, Rysin. Is she going to respect you more for backing down off of those charges because you're caving to a whiny, little brat who wants (what equates to) YOUR PERMISSION for her to sleep with OM while she's M to you? Or would she respect you more - once y'all are back together - for FIGHTING, steadfast, for her and your M by sticking to your morals and your M vows?

2. Think forward to a time when you've moved completely on from your current M and have met and fell in love with someone else. Are *you* going to respect YOURSELF more for backing down and letting your former, cheating W boss you around so she can feel justified in screwing around on you? Or are you going to respect yourself more for FIGHTING for your core, non-negotiable values and commitments?

I've caught flack once or twice on these very boards for handling things the way I did with my H when he was wayward (even though I didn't even start posting here again until I'd already taken those actions). But let's face it: this is an anonymous board. No one here truly knows me. I could leave here tomorrow, and hardly anyone here would know (or particularly care) the difference. What matters, Rysin, is how true I am to ME and to my M and to my family.

I urge you to think the same way. What can YOU live with, brother?

There's a whole lotta life ahead of you.
_________________________
M: 37 H: 41
Married 11 years
S8 & D3; D18 & D17 from previous M
2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart
Piecing: April 2014



A message from Michele Weiner-Davis:

Hi Divorce Busters,

It has come to my attention that some people on this message board are strongly suggesting advice that runs counter to my Divorce Busting philosophy and practice- the notion of exposing a spouse's affair to family members. While this plan may be helpful to one couple, it would completely backfire in other marriages. I have worked with many couples where the betrayed spouse revealed all the information to friends and family with extremely detrimental outcomes. First, when the unfaithful spouse discovered this had happened, he or she decided to file for divorce and it became a final decision. Secondly, there are those situations where the couple began to heal from the infidelity and get their marriage back on track, but the family members undermined the couples' efforts and even "disowned" the betrayed spouse. This made life-long commitments after infidelity a very challenging outcome because few people like giving up their family and friends. So, while I do believe that betrayed spouses need support from loved ones when dealing with such a distressing situation, it is ESSENTIAL that the information about the affair be shared CAREFULLY and with full recognition about the possible risks. I always recommend that, if information is shared, the person with whom it is shared is marriage-friendly, even in the face of infidelity. Nonetheless, it's still important to recognize potential risks.

Additionally, several people have contacted my office feeling that they had been personally attacked for not following this sort of advice. This community was started many years ago and we rarely get such complaints. Confronting others by calling names or pressuring them will not be tolerated. These tactics are not reflective of the Divorce Busting spirit.


Michele