Hey Life. You know, honestly, I wasn't really thinking of it in terms of my decision or his. Really, it just felt more "done" than anything. Like it has reached a point of- over.
I had really thought this before, and that I was done, and he acts done, but, I guess I hadn't felt it like that. And, I didn't even realize that there would be a feeling like that.
I do have a lot more clarity now. Everyday, things become more... I don't know... sane? But, reality bites, all the same. It hurts. Finality is tough. Makes me sick to think how quickly my life has changed and so dramatically. 20 years working to get to this place to have it turned upside down like its... nothing.
OK, moving on.
bea... yeah... I do need to validate myself more. Haven't done it yet... at all. I think I'm afraid to for some odd reason. How did I become this person? I don't like myself very much these days. But, I do know what I am at the core. And I do like that person. I just need to get rid of the rest, for that inner person to come back. Even better than ever.
You know, I am actually noticing patterns with xh. And, things can't be that amazing with hww. I mean, he really isn't fully committed. And, I know he went there last night bc he was mad at me. And I guarantee he will spend the next several days there, if not the push to send him there permanently.
But, that can't be too fun for her, either. Having him come and go as he pleases. And, truthfully, I know she would never acknowledge this, but he was there bc he was mad. He needed someone to stroke his ego. Or whatever...
The coming and going was something that I was so uncomfortable with. And, it took me days to try to get that through to him. But, it was immediately after that when he jumped back in with her. He just can't handle it. That's the truth.
And, I know, someplace in him, what he thinks of her. And, so really, this can't be too amazing for them.
The reason I even bring it up, is bc of this terrible rejection. But, would I want that? Would I want to be in her shoes? No. It's not what I want at all! I know what it is like to have the best of him. And she does not have it.
Clearly her standards aren't that high. She got involved with a married man. So, as long as he caters to her... she is happy. But, he's not the kind of guy to cater to someone for long. Now, he is running on baby guilt. Maybe she makes him feel like a great dad, be he goes to take care of the baby. Well.... my kids could debate that.
OK. Sweet perspective. Rejected... c'mon. For that?
I'm ok. I'm good. I'm hurt, for sure. I'm ticked bc of my kids. But... those things will dwindle, I suppose. My kids will be good. They will have their day when they are able to express this to their dad. For now, they can have the best relationship they can considering the circumstance.
Whew. Vent, vent, vent. That's all I seem to do these days! I am glad I have this place. It keeps it secluded to this secrete place. Where the "listening" end really does not have to listen. Yet, I feel better having gotten it out.
Clearly her standards aren't that high. She got involved with a married man. So, as long as he caters to her... she is happy. But, he's not the kind of guy to cater to someone for long. Now, he is running on baby guilt. Maybe she makes him feel like a great dad, be he goes to take care of the baby. Well.... my kids could debate that.
Mighty ... just a thought here.... well a couple.
You deserve better, you do. I know I have in the past week or so been faced with this ... we all deserve better but deep down we do not think we do. Maybe this is something for you to just give some thought about, I had to face the fact that in a way I am punishing myself ... maybe its because W is not around to do it .. she took my fathers place in that regard ... and now without it .. its like I need to torture a bit. Just something I kind of see with you.
Second part .. about hww. Yeah right now he is there out of baby guilt, or who knows what. What happens when that new baby smell wears off and those diapers actually begin to stink?? She knows he left his wife and kids, deep down she has that fear that he will repeat this, not like dude has a solid track record. She is going to be applying all sorts of pressure and he will bounce ... he will, but honestly you need to get to a place where what he does means little to you ... like I said .. YOU deserve better.
I understand the need to vent here. However, the sense I get from your posts is that you are looking in hww's direction far too much and saying how bad she's ...this and that...on and on.
Why would you even bother having a running commentary on hww? Is this what your life's been reduced to here?
Who is the real Mighty? Who is she? I wanna know this woman better.
Are you a fulfilled woman?
Are you a content woman?
Are you where you want to be as a person?
If you answer "no" to any of the above questions, then get busy living for real.
You know, Mighty, this is a sad thing. It is. The whole last year was a whirlwind for you. Then he tried to succk you back in. It's an awful lot.
You feel how you do. So, mourn the end of your marriage because I dont think you've done that yet. Not really.
There isnt anything at all wrong with feeling sad about it. You just dont want to live in sad.
The thing about that relationship is that it involves two very broken people. And because it does, it really isnt about him rejecting you. It's about him not liking himself. It's about him being in crisis. And she certainly has her own issues.
Hard as it is to get your mind around, it doesnt really have anything to do with you. You did not imagine your marriage and your love for each other. It was there. It was real.
Somewhere along the way, issues that he didnt resolve in his life, caught up with him. This crisis was destined to happen. You could have been perfect. Really. No amount of loving him could have stopped it.
The thing about feeling rejected is that it stands in the way of what needs to get in. That is acceptance and forgiveness. You arent ready for that yet..the forgiveness part, but, it is a necessary part of this process.
He is really and truly fractured, M, trying to find what will make him happy. He thinks a new baby can. The thing is he wont find it until or unless he looks within.
I think he wanted it all. His kids, her, you, the baby. He is all over the place.
It's best for you to get out of the way of all of that. Way out of the way.
I know you are scared, and sad and angry and confused. Who wouldnt be with how he has acted?
So, it is best to just get back on your path. Leave him to his crazy. Take care of you and the kids.
He is going to show anger. He is going to try to get to you. It's what they do...like children.
Let him blow in the wind, M. He isnt worthy of you.
Thanks, Cali. I hope you are right. I don't know if I have the energy for another r down the road. I feel like I put everything I had into the one I had... for a very long time. I know I could have done better. It seems so overwhelming to do it again.
But, holding on to what is not is also sucking me dry.
You are right.
Wonka- no, no, and no. Scary stuff, huh? No more. NO FRIGGIN MORE! I am serious. I wanted to beat it in his head! But I know I cant. I'm sick of it. You are sick of it. Everyone is sick of it. So. It will stop.
This is my time now. It really is. I am at the bottom and the only way out is up. Thinking about any of that will only keep me down and IT WILL DO NO GOOD! He ain't listenin' to me. Why would he? He has to figure it out... or not.
But, I have got to get to... yes, yes, yes, Wonka. And I think you will dig that chick.
Thanks, Cali. I hope you are right. I don't know if I have the energy for another r down the road. I feel like I put everything I had into the one I had... for a very long time. I know I could have done better. It seems so overwhelming to do it again.
But, holding on to what is not is also sucking me dry.
You are right.
I dont think anyone this close to a sitch has the energy for a R, nor do I think it would be even remotely healthy at this point IMHO
I know for me, yeah I get lonely and even this morning I looked at my phone going off for the wake up call and realized how it [censored] waking up alone to a cold hearted device. That being said a R ... of any type, even with my W is the furthest from my thoughts. I decided a few months ago I am single but off the market, even dating W at this point would be like dating a total stranger because that is how she has behaved over the past couple years, I honestly do not know her, and at this point she would not be the type of woman I would introduce to my son. I even told her that once, and meant it. I have in my head the type of person I would like to be with, I am not settling the next round .... not again....ever ... like ever ever
Yeah, the narc behaviour is hard to deal with because they need us to be nice and engage.
They get emtional pay off no matter what way we engage good or bad. In fact if we engage with a narc in a bad way they actually get a bigger pay off.
The best way to engage with a narc is have a picture of a grey boring rock in your head. Don't give them any bones.
So sort of validate wow really, wow that's bad, or wow that's good. Just listen non committal statements. Really true db, it's not about you but about them getting the pay off.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
As I understand it, narcissists generally prefer a positive pay off, but would generally rather have a big negative than a small positive because they thrive on attention.
At the core is a small worthless-feeling person craving for notice, and yes, love, of a sort. That is why they so often run to needy people. It is very very difficult to have any sort of relationship with a narcissist, or someone displaying those qualities.
We need it tattooing on our foreheads: "narcissism is all about them"
