Well, well, well! Look what the cat dragged in! The prodigal son hath returned! Welcome back, friend. Glad to see things are going better for you - I (as well as others) wondered. My situation took a very good positive turn in early summer - we are all back under one roof and doing well. It's good reading when you have time. I am still around....just don't post as much as I should.
I am very happy to hear that you are back together! That is just awesome.
I reconciled with my W in 06 after we were D'd in 05, then we remarried in 07. I learned a lot DBing the first time around, however I didn't stick around the forum. That was a monstrous mistake because I'm right back here again. I opened my mouth too many times making comments about the past hurts.
I hope you stick around because it will keep you on the right path. Don't fall off the path like I did.
Jbird
M 53 W 44 D25 D20 S22 PA 10/95 BD abt 2k EA BD 9/2004 PA D'd 1/05/05 DB'd 9/2004-08 PA ends 02/2005 XW rehab 03/2005 piecing until OM3 June?/2005 Remarried 12/28/07 BD 12/18/14 Sep living together
JBird I am so sorry you have to go through this again. Well, I am trying to take your advice and stick around, because I feel I need to learn more!
I'm going to start a new thread, probably in a different section. Maybe Piecing?
Me, H-34 now 38 W-32 now 35 T-13 now 18 years M-6 now 9 Daughter 3 years now 7 Bomb 11/27/12 - OM 1 year in house separation Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
I will definitely watch for your new thread. Since your back together staying current in piecing will certainly be better than what I did!
M 53 W 44 D25 D20 S22 PA 10/95 BD abt 2k EA BD 9/2004 PA D'd 1/05/05 DB'd 9/2004-08 PA ends 02/2005 XW rehab 03/2005 piecing until OM3 June?/2005 Remarried 12/28/07 BD 12/18/14 Sep living together
I'm glad your w has said she's sorry (yes, she has said that so are you still waiting for a different kind of apology? They won't write one in the sky, so don't think the GRAND APOLOGY is possible.)
She did tell you many times that there were things missing in the marriage in the intimacy arena. She has a high sex drive if I recall, and she felt dissatisfied or undesired there. That's NOT an excuse for the A, but an issue that has to be addressed or you'd both be setting yourself up for more pain.
Originally Posted By: SM34
Dobson's view that a successful marriage is built on its finality. As long as one or both partners believes there is an out clause, the motivation to push through the tough times is just not there...
Well SM, this is not Dobson's site. This is Div Busting. I always say it is great to read whatever you can, but you must choose AN approach to follow b/c mixing them up usually is a disservice to both. MY real point is that NO marriage is without some risk. There is an inherent ambiguity in every relationship, b/c people do change, situations change, people die...
none of us has a guarantee of life with our spouse. The good news is that you can use that "risk" as a motivator to stay on your toes and never take anyone for granted.
I had asked my wife on one of our earliest dates of she thought divorce was acceptable. Her answer was that if someone is unhappy and has tried everything, then yes. I took it as a reasonable answer, since my 20 year old mind was convinced that if we ever got married she would be happy all the time..and more importantly that she would actually TRY EVERYTHING before throwing in the towel.
Of couse we've all understood that in the WAS mind they HAVE tried everything.
You can argue that all you want b/c YOU don't think it was true. SHE DID. Why bother going into the past and trying to agree on it now? Chances are, you won't. I had a lot of trouble accepting that.
My tip for you is, Try to grasp that it's not the past that you both must see the same way; it's the future.
But in our case i think that's sinply not true. She has never suggested we go to counseling, never suggested we sit with some older and wiser family members, or that I should talk to my dad or my mom, or even her dad or her mom to find ways to make her happy. I don't know many women who would discuss their sex life or their unmet sexual needs with ANY parent or inlaw so instead of challenging her to do what YOU would have done, well....I just think this is Unproductive.
Which is why I've always felt that my wife in particular was not a disatisfied as some others I've seen here. She had no prior plan for how to take care of herself without me, had not mentioned being unhappy to anyone, had plans for us as far forward as five years etc etc. I feel she fell victim to not shielding her heart from selfish self centered narcissists such as douche OM. Of course she has her complaints about our marriage, but I just don't think it was premeditated, as mant WAS seem to do.
There is no competition here. How much of this^^ matters to you, NOW?
Perhaps soon ill actually hear the reasons from an actual sane wife who is not under the influence of oxytocin, adrenaline, testosterone, etc... that powerful blend that only comes from affairs.
Reasons?? Other than what she has already said, she may or may not give you more reasons.
Here is MY guess. That no matter what she tells you,unless she says she went insane and won't ever again, you will NOT be satisfied with her answers.
So I'd go back to an earlier point, IF you want to reconcile with her, you will both need to see life together "From this day forward", similarly.
As for your anger and how much pain you were in, compared to hers.
STOP COMPARING. It will never be equal to either of you.
SHE Will feel that her shame and humiliation and her heartbreak are far greater than yours could be (Yes, gross as it sounds her ego is wounded by a man other than you. AND IF she felt rejected by you in the marriage, to HER< the pain she feels now after finally "finding IT" is probably huge, and something you will probably never understand).
My h was alone a lot and had to overcome distance in his R's with our 3 children. To HIM that was a painful thing that I still don't think he connects to HIS choices.
He and I do NOT see the past the same way and it can be very VERY frustrating for the LBSer who assumes when they say they want back in, and make a few comments that sound right
later on you realize they DO think they erred, (we hope) but not as much or as often or as deeply as WE FELT.
Besides, the only "upside" to their knowing the depth of our pain is MAYBE reducing the chance of their repeating it but I'm not sure it simply doesn't make them uncomfortable.
No one can handle shame, for long. And remorse is better than shame, b/c shame tends to convert into resentment. Don't push her away.
And don't welcome her back with open arms without some ACTIONS on her end.
Not things you suggest (unless she asks you what you need from her).
Also, your DB coach advised you NOT to act repulsed by her if there are advances in the intimacy department. I know some will scream NOT to go there.
But aren't there some fairly convenient safety precautions you could take IF the time comes? (Not knowing her exact STD diagnosis, leaves me making assumptions).
Anyhow, here is what I KNOW.
You have to forgive her, or let her go. After all this work and time, I think not forgiving her will bother you a lot.
Forgiveness is often a learned skill; I had to read about it, talk about it, etc.
Maybe some Marianne Williamson exercises can help you as she has a book on anger.
See if this story helps illustrate the point I’m trying to make, however feebly. It's a true story.
THE COLONEL
I grew up with a neighbor who was a retired Army Colonel. He had been a POW for several years, in Vietnam.
He and his wife had 5 kids. Years before they moved into our neighborhood, the Colonel had had an affair with some OW.
How did I, a young 17 y/o girl neighbor, know that the Colonel had had an A?
Oh, I knew b/c everyone knew that b/c "Mrs Colonel" made sure we all knew, so we would not think he was such a great guy.
There were times I wanted to ask the Colonel about his POW experiences. But Mrs. C- would steer the topic away. I truly believed for years, that she was protecting him from a bad memory.
Then l learned that she simply didn't like him getting that type of attention.
At the time we knew the family, the Colonel was kind, funny, handsome, strong, and really just a great guy. Yes, we DID admire him.
In contrast, She was a bitter woman, who made a snide remark for her h at every turn. From how he over cooked the grilled meat, to undermining the value of a reference letter he wrote for my h. She could NOT give that man a kind word in public, to save her soul.
She never praised him in front of her kids, or us, and she would undermine any compliment others would give him. She inserted doubt into anything positive near him. She seemed to live to make him pay. I'm not exaggerating.
She was NOT kind to him at all. Seemed like she never let him forget what SHE had endured & what HE had done to her.
Today, 30 years later, only 1 of their 5 kids is married, their only son. It's his 2nd or 3rd marriage. The 4 (beautiful) daughters are ALL single. 2 never married, and the other 2 keep on getting married, repeatedly. The choice that Mrs C- made was the worst of all choices. Don't make the choice she made.
She could have divorced him. She could have gone to counseling and therapy, to learn how to forgive him.
But instead, she made the worst AND most tempting choice; she stayed married AND stayed miserable.
She never let Colonel forget his sins.
She held it over his head like the sword of Damacles.
She threw it in his face (or threatened to) every time they fought. It was always hanging out there...dangling nearby.
She did NOT Forgive him and she did not even try to. Not in a serious humbling way.
Ironically, from where we sat, from what WE saw, HE was the victim and she was the wrongdoer!!.... So she was not a woman we sympathized with. She should have let him go when she found out about the A;
OR as soon as she realized she could not forgive him; OR she should have learned how to forgive.
She could have left her children a beautiful legacy. She COULD have taught and passed on to them, the concepts and practices of true forgiveness, real redemption, deep love and full commitment.
Instead, she passed onto them suspicions, distrust, cynicism, bitterness and big time grudge holding. She did not think he "deserved" forgiveness -- so she overlooked how many others were affected by her choice not to forgive.
I wish she had heard what I heard a few years back, which was
"Holding onto anger, to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire,
----- to get smoke in their eyes."
Good luck SM
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Me, H-34 now 38 W-32 now 35 T-13 now 18 years M-6 now 9 Daughter 3 years now 7 Bomb 11/27/12 - OM 1 year in house separation Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
The prodigal son hath returned! Welcome back, friend. Glad to see things are going better for you - I (as well as others) wondered. My situation took a very good positive turn in early summer - we are all back under one roof and doing well. It's good reading when you have time. I am still around....just don't post as much as I should.