Hey Life. You know, honestly, I wasn't really thinking of it in terms of my decision or his. Really, it just felt more "done" than anything. Like it has reached a point of- over.
I had really thought this before, and that I was done, and he acts done, but, I guess I hadn't felt it like that. And, I didn't even realize that there would be a feeling like that.
I do have a lot more clarity now. Everyday, things become more... I don't know... sane? But, reality bites, all the same. It hurts. Finality is tough. Makes me sick to think how quickly my life has changed and so dramatically. 20 years working to get to this place to have it turned upside down like its... nothing.
OK, moving on.
bea... yeah... I do need to validate myself more. Haven't done it yet... at all. I think I'm afraid to for some odd reason. How did I become this person? I don't like myself very much these days. But, I do know what I am at the core. And I do like that person. I just need to get rid of the rest, for that inner person to come back. Even better than ever.
You know, I am actually noticing patterns with xh. And, things can't be that amazing with hww. I mean, he really isn't fully committed. And, I know he went there last night bc he was mad at me. And I guarantee he will spend the next several days there, if not the push to send him there permanently.
But, that can't be too fun for her, either. Having him come and go as he pleases. And, truthfully, I know she would never acknowledge this, but he was there bc he was mad. He needed someone to stroke his ego. Or whatever...
The coming and going was something that I was so uncomfortable with. And, it took me days to try to get that through to him. But, it was immediately after that when he jumped back in with her. He just can't handle it. That's the truth.
And, I know, someplace in him, what he thinks of her. And, so really, this can't be too amazing for them.
The reason I even bring it up, is bc of this terrible rejection. But, would I want that? Would I want to be in her shoes? No. It's not what I want at all! I know what it is like to have the best of him. And she does not have it.
Clearly her standards aren't that high. She got involved with a married man. So, as long as he caters to her... she is happy. But, he's not the kind of guy to cater to someone for long. Now, he is running on baby guilt. Maybe she makes him feel like a great dad, be he goes to take care of the baby. Well.... my kids could debate that.
OK. Sweet perspective. Rejected... c'mon. For that?
I'm ok. I'm good. I'm hurt, for sure. I'm ticked bc of my kids. But... those things will dwindle, I suppose. My kids will be good. They will have their day when they are able to express this to their dad. For now, they can have the best relationship they can considering the circumstance.
Whew. Vent, vent, vent. That's all I seem to do these days! I am glad I have this place. It keeps it secluded to this secrete place. Where the "listening" end really does not have to listen. Yet, I feel better having gotten it out.
