Yesterday was National Drink Wine day or something of the sort, correct??? Well, I am officially in Drink Whine mode. I hate this-I do. I don't know what is wrong with me. I just want someone to want me and to be all about me. I am so envious of you who "feel good" and have put yourselves out there and are dating. I am happy for all of you. Really, I am. And I think this has taken a much bigger toll on my ego than I have acknowledged.
A friend of mine is going thru a D. She was married 10 years and no kids (fertility issues). She said she doesn't want to die old, alone, and bitter with cats gnawing at her face. That isn't my fear. That insatiable desire for someone to want me is raging and I want it to go the pho away. I cannot describe this feeling but I feel like I am driving the crazy train full force.
I'm sorry. I will work through this in time (I freaking hope). And I know I need to dig to my colon for patience...I just hate this feeling of no clarity? Anxiety? Loneliness? (even though I am rarely alone). I know I have vented a great deal lately and this doesn't help me address the real issue of I think I have always felt is I was in a R, then somehow I was "ok" or "acceptable." I never look at others not in a R and think there must be something wrong with them, but I do for myself.
I am typing this with tears streaming down my face because I just want to get through this. I thought I would be so much stronger by now and I feel ridiculously weak. ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
