If we own the story then we can write the ending

[Andy125]

Thanks Cadet the couple of threads that I have just read have been super helpful. I think that is a great way to greet newbies. Personally speaking when I first came to the forum I felt overwhelmed and in a complete tailspin. I had picked up DR and was reading it, but there in the trenches I felt it was really hard to apply the concepts, while dodging spew balls. I wish I had read both the validating and the setting boundaries threads earlier on. They really put things in perspective.

Speaking of boundaries (and you all know I have struggled with this one both early on and now) I actually set and stood up for one today. It was met with spew, but in an effort to shake it off my spew coat I'm going to post it here:

A couple days ago it was discussed with the W about coming by to pick up some more of her things. She also tried to float at me the day she was moving out about staying at the house to watch our friends kid and along with me D5. This topic has come up numerous times and I have said no each time.... sometimes taking a few days to think about it. Well this morning I got a text about my W wanting to stop by to "pick up some toys for D5, to play with today" and wanted to know when I leave the house. I knew this was coming, and anticipated, so I told her when I usually leave but could hang around for a little extra if that would give her enough time to pick up the toys (and as I new some of her things too). That time came and as my W collected her things, she asked if I would be home this afternoon. I told her no, and then the inevitable question came "is it ok if i come by and pick up more of my things" (she needs to drop my D5 off at school which is right around the corner). My response "no", followed by me grabbing my spew coat cause here it came. Despite spew, and attempts to manipulate my emotions, I remained calm, offered her another time that she could come over when I was home, but remained firm on the no. WOOHOOO! win for me I actually enforced a boundary that has been pushed at repeatedly for almost a week. The house is now my kids and my space, she choose to leave and while I am sympathetic to her getting her things, it is our space now.

guys/gals this is a huge 180 for me, for the last year and a half I have just let all my boundaries be violated. I've complied, been a push over, and let me W manipulate me till I dropped one boundary after another. It became an accepted behavior, something that I have hated, and felt so disrespected about. The honest truth is that it was allowed by no one other then me. Over this whole ordeal I have blamed my W for disrespecting me... but again the truth is that it was me that allowed it. So 180 time, no sorry with all the due respect no you can not come over when I am not home. At first I let it get to me once I she had left, but now I'm feeling a lot better about it. This will go in the books as a win.

I was really worried that last night I was going to miss my kids terribly. I did, however something unexpected happened. It felt really good to have a night off, no one to be accountable to except myself. Over the last year that has been something else that I have sacrificed, my own space. In an effort to placate my W I have absorbed more and more of the responsibility for the kids. That allowed her to retreat into her own world. I later learned that that time taking a "nap" was really her laying in bed talking and messaging the various OM. Also when the kids did go to the grandparents so I had a break, the evenings were usually spent with my W texting OM. Last night was the first in a long time where it was just me, I ate what I wanted enjoyed watching what I wanted on TV, studying and relaxing. It was an unexpected perk.