Quote: If you want to make real deposits into your husbands love band, YOU MUST BE THE AGRESSOR. When the woman is the agressor, the sex counts for about 10x more then when I am the agressor. Womens sexual hangups are THE CAUSE of SSM's.
You truly can not love a man the way he needs until you love his penis. Read the "Secrets about every man that every woman should know". You really do have to get very cozy with a mans penis to have a GREAT marraige.
I don't necessarily agree with everything you say here, which is why I'd urge Pam to check with her H to see if this is really what she wants. I like to be the aggressor (sorry, I like "initiator" better) about half the time, as long as when I initiate, it is met with loving acceptance. And I knew from the start that my W didn't like to give BJs. I accepted that. What I didn't know or expect was her rejection of my giving her oral sex (which I love, and miss) and her general LD/ND problem. It's been six months now, and I miss it so bad.
Hairdog, who snuggled with his wife this morning and avoided touching her erogenous zones, as directed.
I have read some experts that say in many marriages, it's not the frequency that is the problem, but who initiates it. Initiating sex SHOWS that you are desired. My wife has not initiated sex in 8 years. If I have to initiate the sex, I will hardly even give her credit for having sex. In terms of the love bank concept, I would say that if my wife initiates sex, she gets a +10. If I initate sex and she allows it, I give her a +1, if I am rejected, give her a -3. So the only real way for my wife to actually get positive units for the love bank is for her to initate. Remember, this is not about sex, this is about "Complete Sexual Fullfillment". The "DESIRE" of the wife is FAR more valuable to me then the actual act of sex.
Quote: The "DESIRE" of the wife is FAR more valuable to me then the actual act of sex.
But can't she show her desire in other ways besides initiating? In SSM, Michelle says that a lot of women don't feel any desire until after the foreplay begins.
Seems like it's a pretty hard target for Ms. CeMar to reach. Maybe you ought to cut her some slack, pal.
I'm confused, does that mean you never want to initiate sex again? You want her to do it all the time? Whats wrong with both of you initiating at different times?
CeMar, My wife is like yours and has never initiated (except once on a hillside in Yorkshire in 1980). Recently while trying to talk about SSM subjects she told me that she has often initiated sex but I have not responded. I tried to press her on exactly when this had happened because surely I would have noticed. She said "oh it happens all the time" and would not be more specific than that. I have given this some thought and come to the conclusion that she must occasionally feel in the mood and lie there waiting to see if anything happens and this feeling feels to her as if she is initiating even though there are no outward signs obvious enough for a man to read. Because I have had so many knock backs I daren't initiate anything unless it is a) The last friday in the month. b) The month has an "r" in it. c) we hav'nt had an argument in the last few days. d) Her bath water was sufficiently hot and bubbly. e) I hadn't given my self an HJ in her (slightly less hot by the time I get in it) bathwater etc.etc. so on those occasions when she feels receptive and in her mind she is initiating, I have left her wanting. So I guess if I initiate and she accepts then it must mean that she has initiated herself internally - if that makes any sense - and so should she score perhaps as much as +5? SD
I think you hit one nail on the head here. Alot of people don't give very clear signals. Maybe thats something alot of couples should talk about. I know my H isn't very clear with his signals. There were times in the past when he just gave me a little peck (kiss) and to him that was initiating.
Since I make all the moves in regards to sex, how would I ever know if she desires me (i.e. Loves Me)? Remember, I see desire and love as the same thing (like most HD men). I am not expecting miracles, but some initiation is really necessary for the health of the marriage. My wife sees sex as her wifely duty, and I do not want this at all! Willingness to have sex is actually a turn-off for me. Heck, it almost begins to feel like rape. It's really all about desire!
I initiate 100% of the time. People that desire sex, initiate sex. SO when a women does not initiate sex with her man, she is sending a VERY clear signal that she does not desire him, and therefore she does not love him. This may not be what she intends, but this is the way most men actually see it. I could not possible love some woman and NOT desire them sexually. So since she does not desire me, I will always see this as not loving me. So initiating is the most important way to show that you DESIRE your spouse.
SD So that was you and Mrs. SD on that hillside in Yorkshire 24 years ago. I thought it was a couple of odd looking sheep.
I know when my wife initiates, because she either 1)grabs Mr. Happy; or 2) says, "do you wanna fool around?" Actually, the last time we ML was in September 2003, right after my vasectomy, and she grabbed Mr. Happy and said, "let's see if this thing still works." I thought that was actually pretty cool.
But I don't get the "internal initiating" thing your W does. I'd either let it drop, or say, "If you ever initiate sex, and I don't seem to be responding it's because I am not aware that you are initiating sex, or I'm asleep, or I'm dead. If I'm not aware, please make me aware. If I'm asleep, wake me up. If I'm dead, call the undertaker."
Frankly, when she told you this, I'm surprised you didn't let the teddies fly out of the pram!
We've established that we will try to be together once on the weekend and once during the middle of the week. Because it's rare that we can be spontaneous, she will need to agree to a time. She's against real "scheduling" like "every Sat pm". So I said, then let me know which night or let me know a window of time for me to initiate.
I did ask that at least once a week, she initiate by giving me a warning hours in advance. My story was that it would drive the "anticipation" levels up, but the real reason is that it will get her into 2 habits...1. thinking about sex earlier in the day. 2. Learning to to "mentally" prepare herself and psych herself up throughout the day. This will increase the "sex thinking" during the day
I think the overall goal of the LD should be to increase the amount of "sex thinking".
She said that if I want to initiate, that I will basically need to ask "which night this weekend?" or something. Hmmm. Once again...the anticipation is there because it's known in advance.
