Gogofo - Learning to go dark

[gogofo]

Update post:

The last couple of days have been busy. Spent the weekend packing up the old house into a trailer and the last couple of days have been busy at work.

The W and I ended up having a heart to heart on Sunday night. I was wore out and tired from two days of hard work and decided that I wanted to have a bottle or two of wine. I then got out the chocolates and gave her the same line she gave me and we then shared them together. Lots of organic talk between us and it was an enjoyable time.

The talk slowly got to R talk. The gist of it was that I am against the D and think we can work it out. She asked why I was so against the D, she voiced that it didn’t necessarily mean the end of “us”.

She said that she is excited to see what my house will look like when she isn’t the one decorating it. I never had many design ideas for our houses, but I was good at telling her no.

She said that we only had two dates where I really tried. One was the very first date we had when trying to get back together in the beginning of May. It really was a great reconnection we had. I took her for a drink, then to a dance performance, and then to dinner, then for a walk in the dark to a swing where we sat and cuddled in the dark holding each other. The second time she referenced was the amazing weekend we had around Thanksgiving. We stayed at a nice resort and had an amazing time as a family and as a couple.

I would disagree that these were the only times I really tried, but what her message was is that she still felt taken granted of. This is why (I assume) that she felt we were doing better when living apart. She said I had to try during these times, and she was looking forward to seeing me on date nights. She wants to feel wanted, and worthy, and something worth fighting for.

We talked more about feelings and where we went wrong or what had happened to us. We both think that when we had our first son that things significantly changed in our M and we both failed to respond. I told her how happy it made me to see her hurting when we were at the house on Saturday. She said she knows it made me happy and she was actually thankful that I did not try to console her. She said she did not know what she would have done if I tried to hug her.

She let me get away with things that aggravated her and I didn’t know they did. We both were letting things go that needed addressed in our R. I told her that I need to learn lessons with a hammer, I don’t “get” or understand subtle hints or suggestions.

We were just being open and teasing and she was being feisty and I was being silly, basically like when we first got together. This dynamic we have is very good for the both of us and what created our love. I told her that she was being “mean” and I liked it, this part of her personality was very attractive to me.

Her feelings seem to be that she needs to get a D to end the relationship and all that it might have been. In the past she told me that part of her felt that she needed to D me to date me again.

We kept talking and the discussion turned to our future, etc. and that she felt the D wouldn’t be the end of us. I asked her “Do you mean you would be open to dating me again?” She instantly responded, with lots of feeling, “Yes, and you better bring it.” So I told her I would take her out on the first weekend in March after I get my house together a little bit.

During most of this discussion we were holding hands and being emotional. When the discussion was over, way too late for a Sunday night, we embraced very tightly for a couple minutes. I also did get a candid moment from her and that there may be feelings for me inside her still. I was leaning in and talking to her and she said something to the effect of “I’m not ready to kiss you yet” to which I laughed because I wasn’t going for one.