TLEE86. Part III

[TLEE86]

I don't know. For some reason the past 2 weeks, Ive been pretty depressed. I don't know what it is or why. I get a feeling of hopelessness and don't want to do anything. At all. I havent felt this way since BD. I want to take time off work, but 1. I don't know if they'll let me 2. I really don't want to tell my boss whats going on especially when Im doing well there and 3. I don't know what I would even do with time off

If I explain the situation, I think I can get some time off. But what would I do? I guess I can go somewhere and get my mind off things..

But I really don't want to explain to my boss whats happening. I don't think Ill get any sympathy (not that I want it) or understanding of whats going on. Plus, I'm actually doing very well at work. I don't want to bring all this extra baggage to the surface. I just don't know anymore. I don't know what its like to be depressed but Im pretty mopey and its hard to force myself to do anything. I miss contact with people, like face to face contact with someone I can talk to about this besides friends on the phone.

Ive got enough people I can talk to on the phone, but it doesn't make the loneliness go away. At all. I know I should force myself to do things, but i just don't have it in my right now to do that.

Why do i feel this way these past few weeks? A number of reasons. First, ever since my W decided not to go to her internship, communication has been pretty limited (limited for whats normal in our current relationship) Why? I don't know. Also, i just keep wondering how long this will take W to make ANY decision, not even one about our M. But she cant even decide whether to work or go to school or anything..its been 5 months and her current plans have evolved into no plans. So she's floundering too. Yet she can apologize to me and tell me she's sorry I'm going through this??

Part of me wants to just tell her, you left me, you claim you're doing this and that and getting started with your own life, but the truth is, she's not. She never wants to be alone alone, she actually said part of the reason she doesn't want to go anywhere else by herself is because she won't know anyone, she won't have familiar faces. So while she's figuring herself out, she's also playing house with someone else. And his kid, and our dog. So you know what? If she wants to make herself home there, then go [censored] do it. And just leave me the [censored] alone.

But this isn't what I really want.

Im sorry i havent posted too much on other peoples threads, just been pretty down lately. Ill get around to it. but thanks for reading.