D14 & I had fun last night. She had me laughing so much I was crying. I haven't laughed like that in a long time.

But I feel like I am crashing. I'm ok, but I feel this strange tension now. Not having xh here for a birthday is really tough. Like the nail in the coffin. I knew exactly what he was going to do. He hasn't stayed at hww's this week, and I knew he would last night. And it's fine. Doesn't bother me so much.

I was right on. I didn't look to see later, but I knew it. I was fine with it. But for some reason, today is a little more difficult. Almost like crashing from a high or something.

I have still been doing a little reading about narcissism, and things are jumping out at me. In fact, it is bringing up memories that I stuffed away. I had a tendency to focus on the good- ignore the bad.

But I don't know. It's just so crazy. I feel like he is gone for good. I mean, I think it and know it, but I guess I'm now feeling it or something.

Today is just different. Yesterday was different bc I felt a little better and more in control of my emotions. Today I just feel empty, afraid, rejected. Something g like that.

I do have a lot going on today, and tonight my fam is coming over to celebrate kids bdays. (We have 1 fam party for them bc their bdays r 6 days apart.)

I think the pursuit/distance dance is over. I just feel that. I also feel that I will get squirted by anger now- on a whim.

I don't know what else to do about this. I am upset bc it impacted d14 birthday. Xh said he was going to take the kids Sunday (he told d14). S17 got bent out of shape. He said he can only handle xh in small doses and can't be around him too much.

Ok, so another day. I do feel relief to be out if all their drama. It is so toxic and energy suuking. I can't believe my xh is living this life. It is so unreal. He hated drama and is now acting like a teenager and with someone who acts like a teenager.

Oh- speaking of... Xh recently went from a blackberry to iphone. He didn't know much about the iphone, and I was showing him. But, I noticed on my verizon call log, his number was no longer showing up. I couldn't tell if he was contacting the kids or not. I saw there is an app for the iphone to block his number from showing up on the call log. That is such a teenage behavior! OMG!

I don't wanna know anyway...

But I know sometimes he manipulates. But his deal. I will protect my kids best I can.