wife during deployment EA/PA Part 3

[Train]

Yeah. What Starsky said. I especially liked this, because I picked up on it, too:

(notice her interesting comment about "being a man" buried in the middle of her rant up there ^^^)

I can't stress enough how important attraction is here. And this is so, so, spot on: defending your position is only weakening you further in her eyes ... it's killing attraction, and ATTRACTION is the first step back towards reconciliation.

Starsky has already pointed out that you guys are wayyyy misconstruing (I was going to use a far more vulgar word that characterizes a lot better what you two are doing to it) "Plan B." But let me see if I can go into some detail about how Plan B works:

As you know, a true Plan B is going completely dark ... but NOT to give your W permission to continue in an A. THAT, to the contrary, is what we call an open M. Plan B, essentially, is you stepping completely out of the picture with W to leave her with a more positive impression of you (because, technically, you're supposed to employ "Plan A" - being the best Rysin you can be and making positive changes in yourself - first). And in Plan B, you absolutely DO NOT condone her A, but you *do* step back and allow OM to meet all her needs. Meanwhile, YOU get your sh!t in order. You become - genuinely, and not just to woo W - the best Rysin you can be. In this process, you will naturally begin to detach from W and her choices. You will begin to feel better. You will become more confident. You will care less about what your W eventually decides. And all this <------ is attractive. (I know it seems backwards that your W will find you most attractive when you get to the point that you really don't care which way the wind blows your M. But you just have to trust me on this.)

Anyway, while you're getting your life together, you're letting OM meet all W's needs. If their A follows the normal trajectory of an A, he's not going to be able to meet her needs for long, Rysin. As I believe I've gone into with you before: He will start seeing her warts, and she will start seeing his. That's when As blow up: when two fundamentally-selfish people - who are thinking only of themselves - start playing a little game of tug-of-war: OM cares only about himself. W cares only about herself. You do see how that likely won't last, right? That's why most As end.

Plan B doesn't mean you sit back and WAIT for all that to happen. It gives you time and space to work on you and for the A to blow up. And when it blows up, there's a handsome, confident, genuinely happy Rysin standing there. (Please note that I did not say "waiting" there.) That's who W is going to see. And instead of comparing you to a hot, confident, smooth-talkin' OM, she'll be comparing a self-absorbed, whiny OM to YOU. You essentially flip the script. And that's where/how we are brought back to this: ATTRACTION ----> RESPECT ----> LOVE ----> RECONCILIATION

***

Listen Rysin. I don't like how you let W pull you into the R talk; that's a given. But it's in the past. I'll be honest, though: I don't read the "doom and gloom" that you're feeling when you recounted the discussion. Maybe she's trying to "nice" you into dropping the charges against OM. That's definitely possible. But most cheating spouses spew a lot more venom than I read from her; most are ready for a D *yesterday*, and they'll tell us LBSs that real quick.

Your W, IMO, dropped some valuable hints for you in the convo. She's on the fence about D. And she wants you to handle things like a MAN. (Does this sound familiar??? )

So give your W what she's asking for (except dropping charges against OM; once you've committed to that, you're best to stick to it): Give her time. And handle things like a MAN.

And, yes, get to a L. That doesn't mean you have to take any action right now. But knowledge is power.