Ok, here we are mid March and I figured the easiest way for me to figure out what was missing, was to recap my sitch... go through my posts and comment on anything that jumped out at me. Amazingly, it has helped me, so I hope it helps anyone to see this "LD"s perspective.
Quote: How am I supposed to try to save our M and work on my LD when I can't even imagine ML anymore. How can he ever make me trust him again? How can he be so sure that he can make me fall in love with him again?
These are my words in January 2004. I've come a long way baby! I have not rejected H and imagine ML quite often now, to the point of initiating more often. I trust him again since he has not disrespected me. What I AM having a hard time with is the fact that he doesn't seem to be putting much visible effort into making me fall in love with him.
Quote: I think part of the problem (in general) is the fact that H only seems to engage in foreplay in bed.
This hasn't really changed either. Sure, we hug and kiss but I don't get the impression that he wants to ML to me or finds me attractive outside of our bedroom or when it's not evening. I need more words of affirmation during the day. His emails really helped but I haven't received one now for about a week or so.
Quote: Morninglory said: I had to analyze why I felt attracted or repulsed by my H, what specifically were triggers.
Quote: I said: He treated me like his Queen; he didn’t drink or do drugs; he didn’t go out with the boys; he wanted to spend any free time with me; he wanted to be a family man and devoted husband; he wanted to be my best friend; he was a hardworker. He was the boy nextdoor, without a nasty past. He was innocent and pure. He was worthy of my full love. I completely trusted him. I knew he would be a loving husband and a doting father. He would be a father that our children could go to and feel safe and loved with. He would take care of me and always love me.
Qualities that attract me to H are: -Sends me an email or calls me from work (from time to time) to let me know he's thinking of me -Respects my sexual hangups (doesn't ask for bjs, initiates majority of the time, more later...) -Perceptive of when I'm feeling down and comforts me -He's a hardworker with a strong work ethic -He's somewhat firm and doesn't do things just to please others; he's true to himself/his values -He doesn't go out with the boys; he's not a drinker -Encourages me to be a good mother -Compliments my aquarium, how well the fish look, etc. -Encourages me to find more hobbies -Supports my aspirations -His sexual stamina and desire to please me -His acceptance and love of my post-babies body -His acceptance of my quirks
Qualities that need work on are: -"Forcing" me to spend time alone for myself instead of me feeling as if I need to make sure it's ok. -Taking the kids out so they can spend time just with daddy -Spending more quality time with just me -Letting me know he loves me with words of affirmation rather than just wanting to ML -Trusting my intentions
Qualities that repulse me are: -Procrastination -Laziness -Insecurity/Mistrust -Questioning my intentions
Quote: I feel loved when: I am shown appreciation and affection. I am romanced and wanted, trusted, listened to, and my feelings are validated. I am treated as a woman and not a possession. My expectation in regard to this is that it should not have changed when I accepted his proposal.
Hmm. Again, I don't feel loved when the only affection I seem to get is sexual attention in bed. I'll have to expand on this.
Quote: He mentioned that he's felt good for the past few weeks and isn't necessarily going to cancel his therapy, but doesn't think he needs it. He thinks he's figured everything out and he knows what he has to do. I just listened and was saddened that my fears were coming to light. I was afraid he wouldn't think his past behaviour was a huge problem. I was afraid he'd think the only change he has to make is to give me control of our sex life. I was very afraid he wouldn't finish the books our therapist suggested.
This is big for me. I discussed this "issue" with my therapist on Monday. I told her how I resent feeling like the one who fixes things. It's always up to me to do something. Even when I do do something and work towards a goal, it seems like H just continues without any change or effort. For example, back in December, we discussed how we needed to reconnect by going out on dates. We couldn't think of anything to do other than dinner and/or movies, so I suggested we each make a list of 10 things we like to do and then we could compare our lists and figure out what would be fun together for our dates. I've suggested "lists" like this before but nothing ever makes it to paper... so I'm waiting for his list and I guess he's waiting for mine. This is very frustrating. It's always up to me what I want to do. I was telling my therapist, I would love H to surprise me and be spontaneous once in a while. He has mentioned a few things he wanted to do, but they never pan out! I love skiidoing, but we've never went. He talked out going to a dinner theatre for Valentine's... but we didn't do that. He needs to stop talking about things and just do them. That will turn me on.
Quote: He validated my feelings by saying that all these years he'd been listening to me, but he just wasn't HEARING what I was telling him. He thanked me for carrying the burden of our sexual crisis for so long and told me how proud of me he was. He knew I was a strong and determined woman when we met, but now he really knew it! I explained to him that in December, when he had apologized (so genuinely) I thought he was where he is today (January). That is why I was so devasted and unsure of our future. He understands finally and we're working together now as a team rather than opponents.
These must have fed my words of affirmation because I reverted to a full fledged HD until I realized my love tank needed more fuel.
Quote: From H's letter:I was starting to feel self-conscious about my role as a lover and inadequate. I told her that I don’t know how to turn her on anymore and that I need her to tell me what it is that gives her pleasure and will turn her on. I don’t recall what her response was but I know it never helped us. We began to talk about our lack of love making, she again insisted that it was not me, that it was her and how she wasn’t feeling sexy about herself.
It's too bad he saw this as solely a sexual problem and not a relationship problem. I wasn't very good at communicating that my needs weren't being met (QT and WOA) because I didn't realize it then... all I could tell him was that it wasn't him, I found him attractive, but I didn't feel sexual/sexy. This seems to be a common pattern in this forum. I honestly thought it WAS all me back then.
Quote: I have just come to realise that I’m the luckiest guy on the planet as I still have a beautiful, sexy, loving wife who still wants to work out our problems. I had feared that I might have screwed things forever, but her courage, determination, love and her will has given me hope. I have given her a mountain to climb and I’ll be damned to let her do this on her own. We will climb this mountain together, and I THANK her for that.
What more could a girl ask for?! That went straight into my love tank! I don't feel like he's not letting me do this on my own though.
Quote: MPT said:The criteria for success is no longer whether he feels loved, but whether you feel your sexual self growing and developing. If it's not, then use him some more. But you're the one who hired him as your personal trainer and you have some expectations of him. The big question is do YOU want to develop your sexual side more fully and completely for your own sake?
I definitely do, and that is precisely why I chose to see a sex therapist. I missed being sexual! I knew it wasn't normal or healthy. I also wanted to dig in and find out if it really was just me or our marriage.
Quote: MPT said:You can take all of this and flip it on its head for the HD person showing a true interest in their spouse in ways other than sex. It's not just about LD and sex. When they approach this with the idea that there is a real benefit to their own growth and development, then they will begin to put in the self-motivated, sustained effort that it takes. They’ll want to explore new ways and depths of knowing their spouse and finding out how their own life can grow as a result. The criteria for success will be developing more pathways to feeling connected to their spouse and growing within themselves, not more sex.
I love this quote - thank you MPT!
When we met our spouses and were in that "infatuation" phase... what made them stand out? He called every night just to hear my voice and ask what I did and how it went. He cared about what I was doing. He was interested. Lots of words of affirmation were used.
What made us anticipate our dates together? The buildup of not being able to see or touch him everyday. The anticipation of spending the weekend together in orgasmic bliss!
That went straight into my love tank! I don't feel like he's not letting me do this on my own though.
