Maybe a breakdown of our particular pattern is in order. During the day is close to "normal". She's not as warm as she once was, but we can talk, we spend time with the kids or doing our normal "life" things. On weekend nights we might even curl up to a movie. Things are "fine" as far as that goes...until bedtime.
When we get into bed, the lights go off, and activity cease for the day is when she crashes. Not every night, but often. The rhetoric is predictable. She feels disconnected from me and wants to feel connected to someone. That in and of itself usually starts the conversation and we will both keep things calm. But then the conversation degenerates. I have the bad habit of pointing out the good times we have had in our relationship. She'll talk about the things that are wrong as she sees them (much of which I actually agree with) and I'll point out things that I think are right between us. When I start losing my cool is when she starts blaming me for all that's wrong in our M. She still holds me responsible for her EA. She pays lip service to her role in our drifting apart, but in the end it is my fault. All of it. Granted, her rhetoric does change from day to day depending on her mindset. Sometimes she's more fair-minded and willing to listen than others.
Bottom line, she knows we're good on paper. Good friends, good parents, we do love each other, etc But she doesn't feel that "connection". When I ask her what that connection looks like to her, it basically comes down to that she doesn't feel sexually attracted to me. Se craves that sexual connection and chemistry, doesn't feel it with me and doesn't know how to get it back. Therefore she's no longer in love with me, she needs to toss me away and start over with a new man she can have that connection with. She says she WANTS to feel that way towards me, but doesn't know how to get there.
When I'm calm, I'm too detached and she says I'm cold. If I'm not calm enough, then I'm bullying her. I can't seem to find that middle ground. I've suggested restricting our R talks to the MC sessions, but that's "shutting her down" and we're sweeping things under the rug if we don't drop everything and discuss our marriage when she feels like it.
GAL activities? Scuba certification appeared on both our goal lists in MC. She's reluctant to do it at the moment because we're knocking out some debt, but that's progressing well. I'll take the lead on getting the classes set up shortly. We're also going to take a short overnight trip to a nearby city here soon. I wanted to do something that was fun, casual, without romantic pressure (she's had some anxiety about that, so jetting off to Bermuda was out :)) We'll head over, go to the aquarium, eat at a casual seafood restaurant, spend the night, have a nice brunch somewhere, and head home.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
