Tootling along.

[jim0987]

*He was made redundant yesterday
*He'd known it might happen (industry downturn)
*He's started looking, but may be out of work for a while
*He thinks we should start selling the family home
*He can't maintain house and flat in longer term
*We should figure out what to do & do it together

*Last year he did something very stupid
*He's still very sorry that he hurt me
*He forgot what was important in life and got all caught up in something
*I'm a special person and he's never been as happy again as he was with me
*But, he doesn't think we can ever go back now
*Hard as it is to say, he needs to tell me he'll continue into a new stage in his life now
*But he doesn't know what it holds for him

*He hopes I won't take his email as presumptuous
*As though he might decide what's best for us
*He didn't intend it that way
*He knows I have my own life now
*He hopes it is happy and only wishes the best for me
*The more he things about it, he wishes he'd put things differently
*He hopes I understand it isn't always easy to write things

reposting these bits because its ultimately what we are talking about here.

Hi Toots, I hope you dont mind but im going to offer my typically ill informed opinion but i hope it helps in some way.

On the house front, i think wait until you've spoken to your solicitor. if he asks say its because you want to understand this from a legal perspective.

so looking at his first email there are a few questions that it raises for me (NOT suggesting you ask these to him)
1) what is happening with the A, the intimation here is that its over but you cant know
2) he forgot what was important - So what does he think is important
3) he doesnt think you could go back - why not? and Toots, would you want to?
4) what does he want from the new stage of his life

The second also raises some questions for me
5) why does he think its presumptious?
6) if he wishes he put it differently, how does he wish he put it? What is he really trying to tell you here?

I clearly cant answer these but i think they are important questions. I dont know if you can tell more from the actual emails and your knowledge of H

I'm not convinced restating your position/boundary is the right way to respond to this. it feels a bit like out of kilter and for once im struggling with an appropriate movie based metaphor to explain. I guess sometimes stating this stuff doesnt always project confidence, just being self assured does.

my feeling is that you want to be warm but self-assured, reassuring but detached. personally i would try to engage with the content of his emails. Something like

'H

Don't worry it wasnt presumptious. I understand that things are uncertain for you at the moment and that you are just trying to figure out whats next for you. And if you feel that you wanted to say something differently then please do, I know how hard I find it sometimes to express exactly how i feel.

I think you're right and that together we should figure out the best plan for both of us with regard to the family home. we can try and find some time to talk about it sometime after the middle next week if that suits, i'm afraid i'm stacked up until then.

Thank you for your kind words, I too was happy while we were together. If there is anything this last year has taught me it is how to appreciate the value and happiness in my life.

Toots'

I might be way off, but i though its better to consider different options.

my memory is failing me and i dont have vanilla's notes. Can you remind me what his complaints were about the marriage (the ones you can believe)